Name:Harrison Location:United States

The Original Lovable Little Fuzzball

Here's the straight stuff.

The adventures of Harrison are true.
Try a few of his Crunchy Bites for a taste.
--Alpha Human Mom

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

I like this guy

I really do. He's got some great stuff on his blog. Like this entry about importing French leeches. I'm not too sure what leeches are, but if the French are sending them over here they must be pretty crappy.

[Leeches are freshwater, blood sucking, parasitical worms that some people think have beneficial medical uses--AHM]

[Bloodsucking parasites? Like fleas!! Shit! I knew the French hated us, but isn't that going a bit too far?--H]

Okay--forget leeches. He also had a great post about the new anti-barbequing building code in Washington state. Anti-barbequing? Geeze am I glad AHM decided not to move to Washington! A summer with no rib bones is like a day without sunshine. Oh yeah--Washington has bunches of those, so I guess they might not notice.

Anyway, like I said before, I like this guy--except for one little problem. His mascot. He's got a fe-lying for a mascot.

"Allan over at the Barking MoonBat Early Warning System suggests that I need a mascot and that Beamer my cat would make a great mascot. I agree with him, and asked Beamer if he would consider it. Of course he said yes,…"

Well, of course he would. Those fe-lyings are just worming their way into all parts of the blogsphere. [Like leeches, right?--AHM] Arrggghhhh! I'll bet that Glenn Reynolds person has a cat too. I mean there must be some reason people call him the "puppy blender."

Still--Mr. Minority has too many good posts to ignore. As long as Beamer keeps his distance…

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 1:26 AM


Tuesday, June 29, 2004


Scroll down to see Michael Moore in a former (future?) life. [He should be so lucky--AHM.]

And may I just add I am damn glad one of the youngsters dropped AHM's digital camera in the water bowl. I'm safe until she gets another one. (Yeah, yeah--your check's in the mail, kid.)

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posted by Harrison at 12:44 PM


Squirrel Terrorists

Homeland Security is falling down on the job. The squirrel/cat conspiracy is getting waaay too bold and will go to any lengths to undermine American resolve. Now they're protesting our brave soldiers in Iraq! It's time we brought in the big dogs! (Er--Cosmo? Out there anywhere? This is your bailiwick.)

Bettendorf, Iowa - A couple has finally discovered what was happening to the yellow ribbons they were tying to the trees in their yard in support of their son and other troops in Iraq. "The ribbons started to disappear. Every time it disappeared, I would hang a new one," said Bob Saskowski, who tied the ribbons with his wife, Alexis.

"It went on for eight months. The last straw was when three ribbons disappeared in three days. So Bob Saskowski appealed to his neighbors through a memo, asking them to talk to their teenagers about respect and patriotism and asked for their help.

"My husband and I were ticked," said neighbor Patty Kenyon. "And we all decided if this person was going to pick on Bob, they can pick on all of us. And we literally put ribbons up and down the street."

"The ribbons kept disappearing, but only from the Saskowski yard.

"Finally, the couple set up a video camera, focused on the yard. Six weeks later, they caught the culprit on tape. The ribbon was being shimmied slowly down the trunk.

"At the base, the squirrel pushing the ribbon, bit through the ribbon and took off with it."

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posted by Harrison at 12:23 PM


Sunday, June 27, 2004


A few days ago I linked to a series of pictures showing a mother duck leading her flock of ducklings into danger. Well, here's the whole story from the photographer.

"i did go down the grate and rescue all but one of the ducklings. i couldn't get to the last one, and it wouldn't come to me (2 others i called to came to me). and i have the pictures because it happened super fast. […] i did my best to save them, and that's all i could have done."

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posted by Harrison at 12:52 PM


Saturday, June 26, 2004

What the F***?

Everyone is catfighting over Vice President Cheney telling Patrick Leahy "F*ck Yourself" and I sure as hell can't figure out why. I hear language like that every night when the Troll Cats try to infiltrate my territory. (Worse, really, except those dumb fe-lyings haven't figured out SOB isn't an insult to me.) Did Cheney use the eye-scratch attack? Did he go for the rip-an-ear maneuver? Was there blood on the Senate floor like there was when the Demo-cats got pissed off?

From what I dug up in Hugh Hewitt's background post, Leahy and the Troll Cats are not too different--smarmy suckups.

"Regardless of how you view the Vice President's choice of words, the confrontation is a very interesting one.

"Dick Cheney was slandered by Leahy himself this week with the outrageous allegation that Cheney was profiting from Iraq reconstruction contracts.

"Like a man of honor, Cheney called Leahy on it in a face-to-face confrontation. (Dueling is prohibited, so this is about as confrontational as one can get within the bounds of the law.)
How did Leahy react? Not with honor. He neither defended nor apologized for his scurrilous slander. Instead he whimper about attacks on him from third parties, a sort of reaction one would expect from the Uriah Heap [sic] of the United States Senate. If Leahy had an ounce of integrity, he'd have either answered Cheney with vehemence on the alleged wrong-doing by Cheney, or have offered an apology for getting carried away. He did neither.

"Cheney's dismissal of Leahy was rough, but in the language the sort of person like Leahy understands."

Hewitt has a great suggestion, too, plus a transcript of Dick Cheney's interview with Neil Cavuto.

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posted by Harrison at 12:43 PM


Friday, June 25, 2004

Never in Nine Lives…

…would you read about a fe-lying doing this:

"A bloody shooting spree in Toronto by a mentally ill and heavily armed man was averted by a stray dog the man took to, the Toronto Star reported Thursday."

"At a park, he began preparing his arsenal when a dog approached his car, and he played with it for some time. He told police he loved animals very much, and decided if the city had such nice dogs, the people must not be bad either."

A cat, on the other paw, would probably disguise itself, help load the guns, then run like hell when the kitty litter hit the fan. Or, just as likely, skulk in the underbrush, hissing encouragement.

[A Liver Snap® to Cosmo]

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posted by Harrison at 12:05 AM


Thursday, June 24, 2004

Things I'd say if I spoke English

It's really "Things That I Would Like To Say Out loud At Work" that one of AHM's friends sent to her. There were 40 of them, but the top finishers IMEO are…

Winners Puppy Bitch… What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

Winners Puppy Dog… It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

Reserve Winners Bitch… Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

Reserve Winners Dog… And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

Winners Bitch… Chaos, panic & disorder - my work is done here.

Winners Dog… If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Best of Winners... How do I set a laser printer to stun?

And the Best of Breed is… Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

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posted by Harrison at 12:47 PM


Girl-illa My Dreams…

[You do know that joke is at least 97 years old--or 679 in dog years--AHM]
[Yeah, well I didn't hear you coming up with anything better--H]

This guy really needs my advice.

"A gorilla sex video is getting regular play at New Orleans' Audubon Zoo. It's not the sort of video found all too easily on the Internet, but sex education for a gorilla guy who grew up in a bachelor crowd. Twenty-one-year-old Casey came to New Orleans two years ago on permanent loan from the Como Zoo in St. Paul, Minnesota.

"The hope was that he might impregnate one or all of the Audubon Zoo's three female lowland gorillas - Binti and Fanya, both 28 years old, and Binti's 8-year-old daughter, Praline. Curator Dan Maloney says the females really like Casey -- but he gets a little intimidated by them. He says one problem may be that Casey had been living only with other male gorillas."

Okay--AHM says I can't go there in case the French are listening. So…

Listen here, Case old man. First you've got to talk to those zoo people. Tell 'em you need privacy and a double bed with fancy sheets. Or a king size bed, maybe. Insist on it. And music, of course--not videos. You don't want her comparing you to those buff XXX movie studs. (I'm partial to "Venus" from The Planets, but In the Halls of the Mountain King might fit your situation better.)

Yeah, I've been at this business for years and let me tell you, ya' gotta' woo the bitch--er--girl-illa. (Shut up, AHM.) Don't let her intimidate you--you got what she wants, boyo. A little macho chest-thumping is what you need to do. (Just remember to thump yours, not hers.)

Take your time. Use some finesse, some foreplay. Grunt a few sweet nothings into her ear while you groom her head. Don't just dive straight in to the heavy stuff. Oh, and no matter what they're showin' you on that T.V., don't go for the three-fer. That will only lead to major trauma--yours.

Dug up at Dave Barry's Blog.

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posted by Harrison at 10:38 AM


Wednesday, June 23, 2004


Now this is just embarrassing.

"Scientists have developed a serum to reduce methane gas in burping sheep, cows and other ruminants to combat global warming, a German magazine reported on Monday.

"The Hanover-based monthly Technology Review will report in its July issue that Andre-Denis Wright, a molecular biologist at Australia's CSIRO Institute, has found a vaccine that reduced the methane emissions of sheep by eight percent."

I was going to make more snide comments about Germans--who really deserve it--but it turns out this serum was researched and developed by an Australian! Shit. (Oops, better not or I'll be dosed with some crappy concoction.)

I'll let you in on a little secret--I'm a sheepherding canine. Oh sure, some of those other guys get all the attention, but my Australian ancestors were specifically chosen to herd sheep. And I gotta' say, I never heard word one from any of the oldsters about sheep belching being a problem. 'Course when my dad went into show biz, we lost touch with much of the clan, but Grand Dam Bitch can't remember any stomach gas issues and she's really, really old.

Sometimes I don't know who's more frightening--terrorists or the catassholes who worry about burping ruminants causing the next Ice Age.

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posted by Harrison at 9:14 PM


Thanks Cosmo

For the vote of confidence. We big dogs gotta' stick together to keep the world safe from the squirrel/cat conspiracy.

Maybe sometime I can have tee shirts and mugs with my picture on them just like you. Just me. Only me. No one else. (Wha'd'ya' mean "play nice?" I do all the work around here anyway, why should I share?)

[Because I pay the bills, that's why--AHM.]

PS. So where do I apply for a regular gig over there at NRO? Have your people call mine--we'll do lunch…

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posted by Harrison at 8:49 PM



How these fe-lying terrorists can cause disruptions in our everyday lives! They're becoming experts at blending into the population and using innocents to further their dastardly agenda. Here's just another example of how fe-lying terrorists will stop at nothing to confound and confuse the police, using this sort of ploy to distract from the real job of rooting out potential attackers.

"(Reuters) -- The southern French city of Marseille called off a three-week hunt for a black panther on Tuesday after the animal sighted by several residents turned out to be a large house cat."

Oh, wait. It's the French police… Never mind.

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posted by Harrison at 2:20 PM



Finally revealed! Undercover pictures of how radical Islamic imans lead their flocks.

Dug up at Dave Barry's Blog.

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posted by Harrison at 2:02 PM



…of a fe-lying terrorist in training. Oh, it's passed off as a simple "game," but this gives everything away:

"[…] Put a rolled-up paper napkin in one of my sneakers. He likes to push it down to the toe and then pull it out again. Sometimes I have to shake out my sneakers and shoes before putting them on. I get surprised on a regular basis, because I usually don't bother to check to see if he's dropped cat toys in my sneakers."

Uh huh. Shove a rolled up napkin into a shoe then pull it out again. Clever fe-lying, lulling his bedazzled dupe into a state of cute-kitty euphoria. But you know he's working on the real thing. Just look at that face in the picture. And he's already secreting toys in the same shoes without warning. How soon before it's something else?

"[…] He also fetches. I throw the rolled-up napkin, he chases it, I say, "Bring it here," and he picks it up in his mouth and trots to my feet. Mostly. Sometimes he drops it six or seven feet away from me and still winds himself around my legs, expecting to be petted as his reward."

Eewwwww! He fetches? This fe-lying is really in deep cover. Must be planning something huge.

"That's the other neat thing about Tig. Every trick he does, he does only in the expectation of having a bellyrub or an ear-scratch."

Can those 72 kitty virgins be far behind?

"And boy, does he love having that belly rubbed. That's all I needed to do to teach him to stand up on his hind legs on command. Yes, really. Yes, I have a cat that stands up when I say "Up!"

What a hairball. We can only hope his scheme is uncovered in time to avoid…what? Keep those matches and lighters waaaaay up high in a locked cabinet, please.

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posted by Harrison at 1:35 AM


Saturday, June 19, 2004


I don't see me anywhere on the list of comparisons. Can't be much of a contest.

"A Czech condom manufacturer has been distributing penis-measuring postcards in thousands of pubs and clubs.

"The cards issued by Pepino condom company have a centimetre scale to measure length and four openings to measure girth, according to Czech daily Lidove Noviny.

"They carry the slogan "Be a man, measure yourself. It's worth it," and award points for length and girth. It encourages men to add up their total to see how they measure up and which group they belong to.

"The lowest category is 'primates', followed by 'jackals', 'boars', and 'bulls' at the top. The company wants the target audience of 15-30-year-old men to send text messages with their details. They'll then be entered into a prize draw."

Dug up at Dave Barry's Blog.

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posted by Harrison at 7:25 PM


Friday, June 18, 2004

Pigs Aren't More Equal

At least not in Nebraska. I've driven through Nebraska once (according to AHM), but I'll be damned if I remember a thing about it. Not this, anyway.

AHM has a friend who sells houses. (The lady also lives with a cocker spaniel who can no longer cock his leg in a manly fashion. Whenever Pluto shows up, Hemingway spends a lot of time going from leg to leg, humping like mad just to show off. Pluto falls asleep.)

Anyway, AHM's friend repeats old sayings a lot--like "Location, location, location," and that sort of stuff whenever they talk. She must know her business, though, even if she isn't very original.

"Eleven landowners who said strong odors from nearby hog operations were all but intolerable are entitled to monetary damages, the Nebraska Court of Appeals said Tuesday. The landowners were among 18 who sued four hog farms in Nance and Boone counties on allegations the operations constituted a nuisance. In a 2002 order, a Boone County district judge said the farms were indeed a nuisance but that the plaintiffs failed to show they should get damages.


"Omaha attorney David Domina, who represented Progressive Swine Technologies owner Jim Pillen and his partners in the case, could not be reached to comment Tuesday."

This is why everyone needs canine assistance. A fe-lying would never alert you to such a problem.

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posted by Harrison at 11:08 AM


Thursday, June 17, 2004

"…Some Animals Are More Equal Than Others."*

And I am most equal of all.

It's payback time for those lederhosen and Dirndls!

[Bavaria and Austria are not the same, Harrison--AHM.]

Okay, okay. But those Austrians are no slackers when it comes to--ah--unleashing deranged people and policies on the world. They gave us Adolf Hitler, didn't they? But this bit of legislation takes the liver treat.

I know this is old news, but after this story, I had to post about it.

The [new] anticruelty law, one of Europe’s harshest, will ban pet owners from cropping their dogs’ ears or tails, force farmers to uncage their chickens, and ensure that puppies and kittens no longer swelter in pet shop windows.

Good idea about the pet shop laws--get rid of the outlet for those effin' puppy mills.

But how long before we start hearing stories about a rash of "back alley" croppings?

And uncaged chickens? Sounds like a fox smorgasbord to me.

*"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others." George Orwell, 1945, Animal Farm

[Smorgasbord is Scandinavian, remember? And smoked eels gave you gas--AHM.[

[Did not. That was Heddy. Everything gave her gas. The California EPA wanted to emissions test her--H.]

Damn Heddy's lucky we're not in California any more.

Air quality regulators want to reduce pollution from cows.

"Air quality regulators are proposing what they say would be the first attempt in the country to regulate pollution from cow manure.

"Cows in Southern California dairies, especially around the farm community of Chino, produce 1 million tons of manure every year, according to the South Coast Air Quality Management District, which is proposing the new rules."

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posted by Harrison at 11:46 PM


The Smoking Gun

Ah ha! More proof cats are working paw and claw with terrorists. Their radical brethren disguise themselves as ordinary kitties to move freely among our society, then, wham! They attack innocent civilians when least expected.

"Officials said Cheryle Swink found what appeared to her to be an ordinary stray cat near her home in Mims, Fla., and brought it inside.

"The bobcat then bit Swink.

"Local 6 News reported that she then put the bobcat in a box. When her husband came home he realized that it was a bobcat and the pair called animal control officers."

Animal control? Hell--they needed to call Richard Ben-Veniste on the 9/11 commission to investigate this egregious lapse in intelligence information.

Dug up at Dave Barry's Blog.

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posted by Harrison at 10:36 AM


The New Look of Germany

This explains a lot of their problems over there. Get a load of this gay blade! This guy should be drafted into the war on terror. Can you imagine an Islamic terrorists seeing something like that coming at him?

"Dogwear designer Hildegard Bergbauer, who also makes Tyrolean mountain hats and rainwear for canines, said the leather outfits were best suited for dachshunds and other small dogs but also looked good on poodles, spaniels and boxers.

Come to think of it, there was that cute little French poodle I met who would just die to have that hat. [Enough with that poodle, buster!--AHM]

“There are lederhosen for the dogs and Dirndls for the bitches,” she said Wednesday. “The idea has gone down really well. People think it’s a lot of fun.”

Did anyone ask the dogs!?

Dug up at Dave Barry's Blog

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posted by Harrison at 10:24 AM


There Is a God

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Except He's apparently living in Nebraska…
Well at least someone, somewhere has the sense to leash the cat!

"LINCOLN, Neb. June 15, 2004 — If city officials get their way, cats roaming the streets here freely may be a thing of the past. Attorneys are drafting a cat-at-large law aimed at eliminating strays by requiring that cats be on leashes when not on their owners' property. Officials have cited both health and annoyance concerns."

Damn, are they ever. The Troll across the street has cats and they're a f'ng pain in the butt. 'Course that's all you can expect of the Troll. He's a registered pervert. Must get off watchin' the little buggers go at it 'cause there's always another litter--er--littering everyone's yard.

"City laws restricting at-large dogs has been on the books for 40 years.

And they say there's equal rights in this country.

"I have had people complain because the neighbor's cat was doing its business on their deck or backyard and say 'What can we do about it?'" said Ed Schneider, president of the board of health.

Cat shit far and wide… I know the problem. When AHM finds it, she piles it on a trowel and flings it back into the Troll's yard--where it belongs.

"Debbie Borner, vice president of the Cat House, wondered if the law would be practical. "Have you ever tried to walk a cat? You go where they go," she said.

The idea is to stop them from going wherever they want, you stupid broad! And has this so-called "Cat House" been pawed over for subversive activities. Or--er--other kinds of activities?

"Weverka argues that cats don't need to be walked. The law simply requires owners to keep their cats inside, or have their cats restrained when taking them outside the home."

The more restrained the better. They get in my territory, they're cat sushi.

Found at Barking Moonbat.

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posted by Harrison at 10:11 AM


Tuesday, June 15, 2004


A human who gets it.!

"If you want to know who's going to emerge victorious [in November], all you really need to do is find out how many people have cats living with them and how many have dogs. The cat people, I have decided, will go overwhelmingly for Kerry; the dog lovers will do the same for Bush.

"It isn't simply that women, who often prefer felines to canines, tend to vote Democratic. It really goes to the nature of the animals.

A truly superior woman like Alpha Human Mom (who has to be superior to even be AHM) will always prefer canines to fe-lyings. Silly Human Female only pretends to be a dog person, but is really an undercover cat person. She actually admits to voting for Jimmy Carter!

"Cats are finicky. Which is just a Madison Avenue euphemism for being snooty, snobbish and stand-offish. Dogs are honest, friendly and loyal. Just looking at them makes people feel good.

Like I said before we're totally straight up in the canine universe. (Yeah, I said this before too, but you can't hear it too many times…we guys can keep it up for 45 minutes!) There's us and there's everyone who's not us. Cats are not us.

"Cats speak French. Or are you going to insist that "meow" doesn't sound like something nasty a Parisian would say behind your back? Dogs speak English, and they're plain spoken.

Damn! How did he find out? I thought I kept pretty quiet--only let out a "yes" or "no" when it was really important. And as far as the French go, someday I'll tell people my experience with that cute little French poodle I met at a show. [Nothing happened. He just likes to brag. --AHM]

"A dog, if he were a human neighbor, would be the kind of guy who'd come over and fix your plumbing. A cat, if he were your next door neighbor, would borrow your lawn mower, and not only would he not return it, but would try to sell the thing at his next garage sale.

Welfare pimps…

"Even politicians who disagree with his policies all seem to like President Bush.

Canines know which humans to listen to. Fe-lyings are too busy grooming themselves to hear anything but a can opener. Hell, maybe that's why so many of them are super-fat! Arrragh! Maybe that's the reason AHM calls Demo-cats "Fat Cats!"

"In fact, the only apparent difference I can distinguish between Kerry and a cat is the latter's ability to clean itself with its tongue. But, I'm taking nothing for granted. For the next few months, I'm definitely keeping my eye peeled for hairballs."

So should this be retitled "Kerry Zen?"

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posted by Harrison at 1:03 AM


Sunday, June 13, 2004


Research Shows Dogs Understand Language

This is something new and different? The only reason we're called "dumb animals" is because we can't speak English very well. And where are the pc police on that insult I'd like to know. I'm not too sure I like the idea our cover's been blown all over the news, though.

"As many a dog owner will attest, our furry friends are listening. Now, for the doubters, there is scientific proof they understand much of what they hear."

We've been understanding humans for centuries, which is more than I can say about humans understanding us. Look how hard it was for Lassie to convince humans Timmy had fallen in the well for the umpteenth time. You'd expect they would have figured it out after the first 387 times, but nooooo.

To be honest, most times humans aren't saying anything worth crap, so why make the effort to answer? (Except for the Jack Russells. They never shut up. Always runnin' their yaps! And it's always "Look at me, me me. I'm great. I’m cute. Gimme a treat. I can bounce higher than a ball. Where's the ball. Throw the ball. See me eat the ball.")

Let's get real, here. How many answers are there for "Are you my good doggie?" "Yes," "no," and "if you think I’m telling you about the mess in the corner, you're nuts."

"German researchers have found a border collie named Rico who understands more than 200 words and can learn new ones as quickly as many children."

Border Collie, eh? Figures. They're such suck ups. In obedience class they were always the ones with their paws in the air saying "Pick me, pick me…" Always wanting constant approval--pathetic. I am a champion. I know I am a champion. I don't need someone always telling me I'm a champion since it's obvious I am a champion. Got it?

"Patti Strand, an American Kennel Club board member, called the report "good news for those of us who talk to our dogs."

"Like parents of toddlers, we learned long ago the importance of spelling key words like bath, pill or vet when speaking in front of our dogs," Strand said."

Yeah, AHM used to do that until she figured out we could spell too. Damn kids let the cat out of the bag just before a walk. (So far they haven't figured out we can tell time, though. Okay, AHM has a suspicion--kids again.)

"Thanks to the researchers who've proven that people who talk to their dogs are cutting-edge communicators, not just a bunch of eccentrics."…

I'm not too sure about that "cutting-edge" business. Most humans never get beyond "cute doggie" or "get the ball." (And what's with that? Hell, you threw the damn thing--you get it!) It's not like we have political debates. Oh, AHM occasionally lets us know who's who but it's not like we can vote or anything. We should, of course. We could nose out the behind-the-scenes shit on any candidate. Mostly we just listen.

"…Paul Bloom of Yale University urges caution. "Children can understand words used in a range of contexts. Rico's understanding is manifested in his fetching behavior," Bloom writes in a commentary, also in Science.

"Bloom calls for further experiments to answer several questions: Can Rico learn a word for something other than a small object to be fetched? Can he display knowledge of a word in some way other than fetching? Can he follow an instruction not to fetch something?"

Rico's got a good thing going. Why bother with the hard stuff when all you have to do is prance around with your toys?

Of course we can do more than fetch--if the right person asks, that is. We don't do things for just anyone, ya' know.

Okay, here's an example. My second-oldest son got sick and started losing his eyesight. Still could do a lot of stuff, except he had some trouble when AHM would take us out to the fields to run. So AHM would pick out one of the other kids and tell them "So-and-so, go take care of your brother." Pissed them off no end to be stuck with the slow kid and they'd mutter all sorts of nasty things. Still, AHM never had to say it more than twice before they went. (And I gotta' admit I was proud of them for stickin' together that way.)

So, yeah--we can definitely follow instructions for something other than fetching. But that's what humans seem to like best, so we just go with the flow. Now where's my liver treat?

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posted by Harrison at 4:42 PM


Wednesday, June 09, 2004

An Uncommon Mass of People

AHM is upset she can't get up to Washington DC to see this President Reagan person one last time. According to her we're close enough, but the uniform people wouldn't let the rest of the pack inside the Capitol--like we're not Americans or something.

Glenn Reynolds--and what is it with that "Puppy Blender" crap?--says "a pack not a herd" lots of times. AHM always reads that stuff to me 'cause I am (naturally) leader of the pack around here. Aside from her, of course. (She made me write that. --H)

For the record, a pack is a bunch of things, among them 1) "a group of…dogs or wolves, that run and hunt together," and 2) "an organized troop having common interests." A herd, on the other paw, is "the multitude of common people regarded as a mass." Got that?

Anyway, AHM is back at the computer again, reading aloud and feeding us treats. (We've got an awful lot of treats this week for some reason. Wish I knew what we did so we could keep doing it. Maybe there's something to this sitting-on-laps business after all.) Then she read this story and started doing that human growling thing she does when she's really pissed off.

"Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw work for different networks but agree one thing — coverage of Ronald Reagan's death has been excessive, they say.

"Even though everybody is respectful and wants to pay homage to the president, life does go on," Rather told the Philadelphia Inquirer

"Once the herd starts moving in one direction, it's very hard to turn it, even slightly," Rather said. "Nationally, the herd has grown tremendously."

Someone change his kitty litter pan, okay? I haven't heard catty spitting like that since I treed that uppity fe-lying who invaded my territory.

If those TV people disliked this President Reagan guy so much, he must have been a real great Alpha Human Male. Even after he's dead Reagan can still put his mark over theirs.

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posted by Harrison at 3:54 PM


Whooo Boy!

Has AHM been in a mood these past few days! And I don't think it has anything to do with that silly horse losing last weekend (although the language she used yelling at the TV I wouldn't call a cat!). Didn't let me near the computer. I'm not a lap dog (shudder) but she was so upset I gave her a few minutes of my time to help her feel better.

I know now she's upset about Reagan dying--gets all teary whenever another "official" event takes place. Didn't know the man myself, but my dad did. Well, he said he saw him back in '84 when he went to vote in California. (Reagan, not Dad.) Claims he was right up front in the crowd and the Prez and First Lady actually stopped, pointed, grinned and waved at him. Knowing my Dad the actor (really), he was probably all gussied up with red, white, and blue Reagan/Bush stuff, so no wonder. Grand Dam Bitch Mom claims it happened, so I guess I'll buy it.

Reagan sounds like he was a good guy. Probably was a dog person. We canines judge a lot by voices and his sounded nice. (Much nicer than that raspy scratch of the other fe-lying President guy AHM yelled about.) She tries to get me to listen, but, hey, I'm a dog okay? The latest guy in charge sounds all right, but the other one… Geeze! Bor-ring. Has the voice of a cat person--all superior and condescending--and everyone knows you can pretty much ignore them. The screaming guy was kinda' fun, but he scared the shit out of Little Girl--almost as much as a thunderstorm.

Uh oh--AHM is starting again. Gotta' go do some lap time.

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posted by Harrison at 12:20 PM


Saturday, June 05, 2004

Purse or Curse?

AHM is sappy about horses. Why, when I'm around, I don't know, but there it is. She still gets all teary watching old films of Secretariat running around in the dirt. Geeze! If I got myself that messy in just two minutes, I'd get tossed in the bathtub! And what's with all the flowers? Whenever I come in wearing flowers there's hell to pay.

Right now everything is Smarty, Smarty, Smarty. (That's her title up there, not mine.) Damn! What's he got that I don't? We both have four legs, but mine are nice and study. He's got four spindly sticks! And we both got the same--ah--equipment. (Don't know if he's spindly or not in that department.) We're both champions. We're both redheads--point in his favor, of course. But he's only been in the sports business for two years! I went for ten and was still winning at the end. (Got a thing and two in common with Rock Hard Ten as well, but that's for a different post.)

Guess I can't begrudge another fellow his shot at immortality, even if he is an equine instead of a canine. Won't bet the farm, though.

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posted by Harrison at 3:27 PM


Friday, June 04, 2004

The Straight Stuff

We're totally straight up in the canine universe. (And we guys can keep it up for 45 minutes!) There's us and there's everyone who's not us. Cats are not us. As Jonah Goldberg points out, "…they will eat their own owners if they get hungry enough, after all." They'll live under your roof, eat your food, demand your attention, then claw your butt to ribbons as soon as they get the chance. Not buying that? Then check out this picture. (Warning: this link is not office friendly!)

Canines are small-d democrats. Fe-lyings are anarchists. We choose our pack leaders--our Alphas, human or dog--and give quality service in return. Fe-lyings are the Jessica Simpsons of the animal world, getting by on their cuteness; playing the "dumb as a post" game while using their cuddly, fuzzy bodies for gain--the ultimate welfare pimps who take, take, take without giving. (Admit it--who ever heard of a Guard Cat?)

We know shit when we smell it. (Yeah, I know some of our brain-impaired brethren eat it and roll in it. Can't explain it and won't try. I raised my pups better than that!) Canines know right up front which human is worth listening to and it's not always the ones giving us treats and ear-scratches. We want respect. We want dignity. We want to be acknowledged as the intelligent, discriminating beings that we are. Refuse us and we'll whizz on your shoes.

Political correctness is not in our vocabulary. You smell bad? Cover your balls, 'cause we're comin' for you.

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posted by Harrison at 9:56 PM


One Good Ass Sniff

Humans are pretty stupid--can't see what's right in front of their muzzles. Most people are just blowin' it out their rears. Hell, one good ass sniff is all it takes to figure that out.

That Kerry person is blowin' a real thick cloud. Smells of rancid cheese. Rancid Frenchie cheese. (Gotta' say there was a cute little poodle that caught my fancy at one dog show once--black hair, big brown eyes. But real into diamonds and caviar--wouldn't give a tough guy from the Outback like me a second look. Her loss. I could have shown that froggie bitch a few tricks.)

Same with that Kerry frog. This guy says that someone named Harold calls us too dumb to understand Kerry.

"Raines thinks that Americans are just too stupid to understand Kerry. In fact, that becomes the central point of Raines' entire screed -- that the American public elected Bush out of affinity for his cluelessness, and that Kerry needs to put on an act of simplemindedness in order to get elected."

'Course AHM says Raines got conned by a 20-something kid, so how dumb is he?

Like I said, one good ass sniff…

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posted by Harrison at 9:43 PM


Pickin' Up the Slack

My Mom has a blog. No, not the Grand Dam Bitch. (That's her on the right. The Silly Human Female talked her into wearing that hat so she'd look maternal and sweet. Not! She's hell on paws to cats. I'm the big dog on the barrel.)

Alpha Human Mom's the one with the blog. Spends a lot of time reading me stuff the rest of the pack ignores. (My pups are a disappointment sometimes, but aren't they all?) Anyway, AHM's waaay too nice IMO. Almost never uses bad words. But ya' know, sometimes you just gotta' call a hairball a hairball and let the kitty litter fly. So I'm pickin' up the slack. Yeah, AHM helps--I'm a lousy typist--toes don't spread far enough--but I can say what I want, how I want. So I will.

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posted by Harrison at 12:29 PM