Harrison
Name:Harrison Location:United States

The Original Lovable Little Fuzzball

Here's the straight stuff.


The adventures of Harrison are true.
Try a few of his Crunchy Bites for a taste.
--Alpha Human Mom





Saturday, October 30, 2004


My Answer to Catblogging

Demo-CATBOWLING.

The witch (not to be confused with Hillary Clinton unless you want to) stands 'em up--you knock 'em down. The perfect time-waster for sitting up late watching the election returns Tuesday night.

(Slow-loading so be patient. Dug up at Dave Barry's Blog.)


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posted by Harrison at 11:43 AM

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Friday, October 29, 2004


Cute House Horrors

This post at A Small Victory reminded me of something I've been meanin' to comment about.

…"See, I remember a passage in Nostradamus that referenced a curse being lifted at the same time the moon goes dark on a night when an evil man who looks like a fish begins his surrender to his dark lord. I swear, look it up. I would, but I'm afraid to Google something like that. Superstitions and all.

"Anyhow, the clues to the end of the world come out in a slow leak, like gas escaping from a pinhole. Speaking of which, I just saw something that looks like steam rising out of my lawn. Hang on while I go check this out."

No, I didn't dig any holes in Michele's lawn--I don't do diggin' holes, 'k?

Anyway, while AHM and me were walkin' and drivin' around the town, we started noticin' something curious--Halloween has become a big house-decoratin' holiday. Now most places just stick a themed wreath on the door or maybe a pumpkin or two on the stoop. Then there are The Others…

You regulars know my opinion of "cute houses." Yeah, I'm not real big on that exterior decoratin' concept. Makes me think you humans have waaaayyy too much time on your hands. And with the new Halloween decorating craze, some people have waaaayyy too little common sense. Either that or an unlimited credit account with Spencer's Gifts.

The new decoration-of-choice in the past year or so seems to be that barkin' great lighted PumpkinMan. Every time I see one of those suckers I wanna' take a big bite out of it just to see it blow up. The pups think it would be fun to knock it over and chase it around the yard. 'Course we'd probably be pickin' 'em out of the tree branches if the thing exploded in their faces--at least that's what happens with the balloons AHM brings home.

As if PumpkinMan on his own isn't bad enough, the homeowners usually combine him with strings of orange lights around the doors and windows and a few carved pumpkins on the stoop. Still pretty restrained, I guess, compared to The Others…

…like my favorite cute house up the street. I think those people have a busy little elf hidden in their basement that they only let out to strew tackiness far and wide, 'cause I've never actually seen humans outside doin' the work. I suppose it's a change from the bunny-chicken cuteness they usually display, but not by much.

One tree is draped with some sort of white stuff to look like a giant web with a big ole' spider dangling from the edge. Another is hung with bats and skeletons. Fake gravestones cluster on the corner edge of the yard, festooned with twinkly lights. (Well, either twinkly lights or there's a short in the wire somewhere.) They got a coffin leanin' against the side of the house, a whole litter of black cats skulking across the lawn, little pumpkins linin' the window sills, bloody arms and legs draped on the edge of a wheelbarrow, and fake green rubber hands pokin' out of the bushes.

The final touch is the pretend stone paper coverin' the door (so it looks like a crypt, I suppose) and some decrepit life-sized figure sittin' on their outside bench which the pups think is the biggest stuffed dog toy ever made. Every evening we just stand in awe of the blatant display of bad taste. (We have to stand in awe 'cause AHM won't let us off our leashes to do anything else.)

We probably could handle it, except there are dozens of other houses in the same condition! Some of 'em have every window covered with black webs and alternating witch/bat/skeleton cutouts. Another has dozens of luminous plastic skeletons hangin' from trees. Lots of 'em have homemade ghosts made from sheets stuffed with leaves flappin' in the breeze. (The effect of that last one is lost when the leaves start tricklin' out makin' it look like dirty laundry.)

But there does seem to be one outside decoration every one of these cute houses has in common that turns 'em into real houses of horror…

They all have Kerry/Edwards signs on their lawn.


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posted by Harrison at 1:43 PM

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Tuesday, October 26, 2004


These Guys Need to be Laid…

…to rest. Spring Hill (Tennessee, of course) City Attorney Andrew Hoover and City Administrator Ken York are such fe-lyings. Where else but in Tenneessee would you find two grown men obsessing about a duck-shaped piece of sponge?

"That duck is a sexual toy, and it was on display. That was a vibrator on display in public view."

Ya'd think it was bein' used in public view! 'Course good ole City Administrator Ken York never said how he knew it was a vibrator…

Offending Duck
Rubber Ducky, you're the one,
You make bathtime lots of fun,
Rubber Ducky, I'm awfully fond of you;
Woo woo be doo




Ya' think maybe his wife's havin' some bath time fun without him?

Well, now Kenny has dragged in the legal eagles--er--eagle--er--vulture.

"…yesterday, Katherine Williams, president of Passions & Pleasures, received a certified letter in the mail saying Spring Hill was revoking her business license, effective Monday. ''If she wants to do business in the city, she needs to have her property rezoned for a sexually oriented business,'' explained City Attorney Andrew Hoover. ''As it is, she's in violation.''

"Williams sells her wares, which include body lotions, lubricants and vibrating toys, through home parties.

"That raises another zoning problem, since parties are held in different locations around the city. ''She's going to have to determine one place to conduct business or else get each property where she's selling the products rezoned,'' Hoover said…

''She listed 'bath and body product' on her application for a business permit,'' Hoover said. ''We called up her business on the Internet, and it's nothing like that. Those products fall within the category of sexually oriented businesses.''

Do the voters know their elected officials are surfin' the net for porn? Guess they'll say it really isn't "surfin' for porn" (since the "online shopping" page is down who'll know) 'cause they needed to view the evidence. All the evidence. Every last little itty bitty bit of evidence.

I'll tell ya' what I wish. I wish every person in Tennessee would mail these two pieces of kitty litter a rubber ducky. Hey, the City of Spring Hill claims they want your feedback.

PO Box 789, 199 Town Center Pkwy, Spring Hill, TN 37174. ken@springhilltn.org

Tell 'em this:
Put Down the Duckie*
"You gotta put down the duckie
Put down the duckie
Put down the duckie
Yeah, you gotta leave the duck alone
You gotta put down the duckie
Put down the duckie
Put down the duckie
If you wanna play the saxophone!"


*Words by Norman Stiles/Music by Christopher Cerf


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posted by Harrison at 1:12 AM

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Saturday, October 23, 2004


Mr. Peabody* - Time Traveling Hero

C'mon--who else would I choose?

Oh yeah--I know I’m too late for the Truth Laid Bear Heroes for Bush blogburst, but AHM was real busy these last two days and, well, I can't type by myself. But since I wrote this I'm makin' her post it even tho' it is kinda' long.

UPDATE: Heroes for Bush Blogburst. Guess this WABAC thingy really works. Thanks, N.Z. Bear.

Peabody's Improbable History The Lost Episode
John Kerry


FADE IN:

INT - LABORATORY FILLED WITH COMPUTER AND OTHER DIGITIZED EQUIPMENT - PAN ACROSS ROOM TO MR. PEABODY AND HIS BOY SHERMAN.

MR. PEABODY
Hello, everyone. I'm Mr. Peabody and this is my boy Sherman.

SHERMAN (waves)
Hi.

MR. PEABODY
Set the WABAC Machine for April 1971, Sherman.


CLOSE UP - SHERMAN - FIDDLING WITH COMPUTER KEYBOARD

SHERMAN
That's not very far, Mr. Peabody.


MEDIUM SHOT - MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN

MR. PEABODY
No it isn't. But it's time you learned about political expediency and rhetoric.


CLOSE UP - SHERMAN

SHERMAN
Huh?


CLOSE UP - MR. PEABODY

MR. PEABODY
How a self-serving politician uses hot air to achieve elected office.


MEDIUM SHOT - DIGITAL NUMBERS FLASH OVER A DOORWAY 04-23-1971. THE DOOR OF THE WABAC MACHINE OPENS. MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN STEP THROUGH DURING VOICE OVER.

MR. PEABODY (V.O.)
So with the punch of a button, we are off to the U.S. Senate Foreign Relations Committee Hearing, April 23, 1971.


WIDE SHOT - LANKY, LONG-FACED YOUNG MAN SITTING AT TABLE READING FROM A PAPER AS A TIER OF OFFICIAL LOOKING MEN ACROSS OF HIM LISTEN TO THE SPEECH.

YOUNG MAN
“I committed the same kinds of atrocities as thousands of others in that I shot in free fire zones, used harassment and interdiction fire, joined in search and destroy missions, and burned villages”.


MEDIUM SHOT - MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN

SHERMAN
Atrocities? You mean he deliberately killed innocent people? Who is he?

MR.PEABODY
John Kerry. He is laying the groundwork for his political career. Now listen, Sherman, and learn.


CLOSE UP - JOHN KERRY

KERRY
"Each day to facilitate the process by which the United States washes her hands of Vietnam someone has to give up his life so that the United States doesn't have to admit something that the entire world already knows, so that we can't say that we have made a mistake. Someone has to die so that President Nixon won't be, and these are his words, "the first President to lose a war."

"We are asking Americans to think about that because how do you ask a man to be the last man to die in Vietnam? How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?...."


MEDIUM SHOT - MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN

SHERMAN (stumbling backward in shock)
Oh wow! You mean all those soldiers died for no reason?

MR. PEABODY
No, Sherman. They were fighting for a very good reason--to stop communism. Now come along.


WIDE SHOT - INT - WABAC MACHINE - MR. PEABODY ENTERS. SHERMAN FOLLOWS LOOKING BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER AS KERRY KEEPS TALKING. WHILE NOT PAYING ATTENTION, SHERMAN TRIPS AND CRASHES INTO THE KEYBOARDS, BUTTONS, AND LEVERS INSIDE THE WABAC.

SHERMAN (grabbing at anything to maintain his balance)
AAAAAHHHHHH!!!


WIDE SHOT - INT - WABAC - MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN. MACHINE BEGINS TO ROTATE JERKILY, FIRST SLOWLY THEN FASTER. MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN ARE TUMBLED AROUND. THE WABAC SLOWS, SPEEDS UP, AND PERIODICLY STOPS ABRUPTLY. DIGITAL NUMBERS FLASH OVER THE DOOR AS IT SLIDES OPEN. 01-22-1991

MEDIUM SHOT - JOHN KERRY SITTING AT A LARGE DESK, DICTATING LETTERS.

KERRY
“I voted in favor of a resolution that would have insisted that economic sanctions be given more time to work and against a resolution giving the president the immediate authority to go to war.”


WIDE SHOT - INT - DOOR SLAMS SHUT - WABAC JERKS, NUMBERS FLASH, AND DOOR OPENS AGAIN ON SAME SCENE. 01-31-1991

MEDIUM SHOT - PROFILE - JOHN KERRY SITTING AT LARGE DESK, DICTATING LETTERS.

KERRY
“From the outset of the invasion, I have strongly and unequivocally supported President Bush's response to the crisis and the policy goals he has established with our military deployment in the Persian Gulf”.


WIDE SHOT - INT - DOOR CLOSES AND WABAC BEGINS TO SPIN WILDLY. SHERMAN AND MR. PEABODY CRASH INTO EACH OTHER. WABAC CAREENS TO A STOP AS NUMBERS OVER THE DOOR FREEZE AND DOOR OPENS. 02-23-1998

TIGHT CLOSE UP - JOHN KERRY

KERRY
“Iraq's refusal to end its weapons of mass destruction programs…” “…is a threat with respect to the potential of terrorist activities on a global…”


WIDE SHOT - INT - WABAC DOOR CLOSES AND CUTS OFF COMMENTS. THE MACHINE SHUDDERS, SHAKES, MOVES A FEW FEET AND STOPS. NUMBERS BLINK ON AND OFF. DOOR OPENS. 07-29-2002

MEDIUM SHOT - JOHN KERRY STANDING BEHIND PODIUM

KERRY
"I agree completely with this administration's goal of a regime change in Iraq," "But the Administration's rhetoric has far exceeded their plans or their groundwork. In fact, their single-mindedness, secrecy, and high-blown rhetoric has alienated our allies and threatened to unravel the stability of the region."


WIDE SHOT - INT- DOOR CLOSES. MR. PEABODY LUNGES TOWARD A TOUCH SCREEN BUT IS KNOCKED AWAY WHEN THE WABAC WOBBLES THROUGH ANOTHER ROTATION.

CLOSE UP - SHERMAN

SHERMAN (whining)
Make it stop, Mr. Peabody. It's giving me a headache.


CLOSE UP - MR. PEABODY

MR. PEABODY
I'm trying, Sherman. Patience, my boy.


WIDE SHOT - INT - WABAC DOOR OPENS AND NUMBERS FREEZE AS MACHINE GROANS TO A HALT. 09-06-2002

CLOSE UP - JOHN KERRY

KERRY
“If Saddam Hussein is unwilling to bend to the international community's already existing order, then he will have invited enforcement, even if that enforcement is mostly at the hands of the United States, a right we retain even if the Security Council fails to act”.


WIDE SHOT - INT- DOOR CLOSES. MR. PEABODY TRIES ONCE MORE TO REACH THE TOUCH SCREEN BUT MISSES WHEN THE WABAC ABRUPTLY JERKS IN A HALF CIRCLE AND STOPS AGAIN. DOOR FLIES OPEN AND NUMBERS FLASH. 10-09-2002

CLOSE UP - JOHN KERRY

KERRY
“The threat of Saddam Hussein with weapons of mass destruction is real…” “The Iraqi regime's record over the decade leaves little doubt that Saddam Hussein wants to retain his arsenal of weapons of mass destruction and to expand it to include nuclear weapons. We cannot allow him to prevail…”


WIDE SHOT - INT- DOOR CLOSES. SHERMAN STAGGERS TOWARD MR. PEABODY GRABBING HIM JUST AS HE IS INPUTTING INSTRUCTION, KNOCKING HIS PAW. ALARMS BEGIN SOUNDING. WABAC WHIRLS CRAZILY THEN MAKES A METAL-ON-METAL SCREECHING HALT. DOOR HISSES UP. 05-03-2003

CLOSE UP - JOHN KERRY

KERRY
"I said at the time I would have preferred if we had given diplomacy a greater opportunity."


WIDE SHOT - INT - WABAC - MR. PEABODY HAS JUST DRAGGED HIMSELF UPRIGHT WHEN THE WABAC SPINS AND STOPS, SPINS AND STOP. SHERMAN IS FLAT ON HIS STOMACH FACING THE DOORWAY AS IT OPENS. 08-31-2003

CLOSE UP - JOHN KERRY - THREE-QUARTERS PROFILE

KERRY
"In the resolution that we passed, we did not empower the president to do regime change."


MEDIUM SHOT - INT - MR. PEABODY IS ENTERING NUMBERS ON A KEYBOARD. SHERMAN, STILL ON THE FLOOR. ALARMS STILL BLARE.

MR. PEABODY
Ah ha! I think I have it now.


ALARMS STOP BUT WABAC SWINGS INTO MOTION AGAIN.

MR. PEABODY
DRAT!


WABAC BRAKES SUDDENLY AND DOOR FLIES OPEN. 09-02-2003

CLOSE UP - JOHN KERRY

KERRY
"I voted to threaten the use of force to make Saddam Hussein comply with the resolutions of the United Nations." "I believe that was right, but it was wrong to rush to war without building a true international coalition and with no plan to win the peace."


WIDE SHOT - INT- WABAC - DOOR HISSES SHUT AND ROTATION BEGINS AGAIN.

MEDIUM SHOT - MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN. SHERMAN IS CURLED INTO A BALL, HANDS OVER HIS EARS.

SHERMAN (moaning)
Enough, Mr. Peabody. My head hurts.

MR. PEABODY
Bear up, boy. You can handle it.

SHERMAN
But I can't understand anything. Kerry said we should make Saddam Hussein give up his weapons of mass destruction even if we had to do it all by ourselves and now he says that was wrong.
.
MR. PEABODY
I know, Sherman. But that's how some politicians believe they can get elected.

SHERMAN
How?

MR. PEABODY
By saying whatever they think the public wants to hear.

SHERMAN (sitting up)
Even if it's totally different than what they said before?

MR. PEABODY
Yes, Sherman. You are learning, aren't you? (STANDS AND ATTEMPTS TO ENTER DATA) Now let me see if I can get this machine back on track.


WIDE SHOT - INT - WABAC ROCKS BACK AND FORTH AS IT SPINS, THEN SLOWLY DRIFTS TO A STOP AS NUMBERS FREEZE AND DOOR OPENS. 12-15-2003

CLOSE UP - JOHN KERRY

KERRY
“Iraq may not be the war on terror itself, but it is critical to the outcome of the war on terror, and therefore any advance in Iraq is an advance forward in that”.


MEDIUM SHOT - INT - WABAC - SHERMAN STARES OUT DOOR IN CONFUSION.

SHERMAN
Mr. Peabody… How can we advance in Iraq if we weren't supposed to be there in the first place?


CLOSE UP - MR. PEABODY MUTTERING TO HIMSELF WHILE ENTERING MORE INSTRUCTIONS INTO THE MACHINE.

WIDE SHOT - DOOR CLOSES AND WABAC BEGINS TO MOVE SMOOTHLY.

MR. PEABODY
Ah, that seems to have done the trick.


THE WABAC STOPS ABRUPTLY AS IF IT HAD RUN INTO A WALL. MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN TOPPLE OVER ON THE FLOOR AGAIN IN A TANGLED MASS. DOOR OPENES. 01-30-2004

CLOSE UP - JOHN KERRY

KERRY
“I think there has been an exaggeration…” “They are misleading all Americans in a profound way.”


BEFORE MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN CAN SORT THEMSELVES OUT, THE WABAC IS ONCE AGAIN IN MOTION, WHIZZING RAPIDLY FOR A FEW SECONDS THEN GENTLY SLOWS TO A STOP. DOOR SLIDES UP. 04-27-2004

CLOSE UP - JOHN KERRY

KERRY
“George Bush sold us on going to war with Iraq based on the threat of weapons of mass destruction…”


MEDIUM SHOT - INT - WABAC - MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN. SHERMAN GRABS AT MR. PEABODY'S EAR.

SHERMAN (sputtering)
He…He…He… Kerry said Saddam did have weapons of mass destruction. He did. I heard him.

MR. PEABODY
Not the ear, Sherman. LET GO OF THE EAR!


DOOR CLOSES AND WABAC GOES INTO A JERKY SPIN. MR. PEABODY DRAGS HIMSELF TO A CONSOL AND RESOLUTELY ENTERS A SERIES OF NUMBERS. WABAC HALTS AND DOOR OPENS. 05-13-2004

CLOSE UP - JOHN KERRY

KERRY
“I will fight a more effective war on terror because I would never have thrown out of the door or window the obligations of the Geneva Conventions.”


WIDE SHOT - INT - WABAC - MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN. SHERMAN IS CRYING AND PULLING AT HIS HAIR.

SHERMAN
But…but…Mr. Peabody… John Kerry said he said… he “…committed the same kinds of atrocities as thousands of others…used harassment…and burned villages” in Vietnam? Didn't he throw out the Geneva Conventions then?

MR. PEABODY (shaking his head)
Steady, Sherman, steady. I think perhaps you have had enough for now. It is very hard to understand Mr. Kerry under the best of conditions and we have had a trying time during this trip, haven't we?


MR. PEABODY ENTERS MORE CODES, THE WABAC BEGINS A DIGIFIED ROTATION.

MEDIUM SHOT - MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN

MR. PEABODY
Well, Sherman, I hope you've learned something from this adventure.

SHERMAN
I sure have, Mr. Peabody. Before I vote, I'm going to study everything in a politician's record before I decide. John Kerry doesn't have a clue.

MR. PEABODY
Good boy, Sherman.

SHERMAN
President Bush doesn't jump around like that, does he?

MR. PEABODY
Indeed not. He understands the dangers we are facing and will fight to keep us safe. And he would never abandon our soldiers to the enemy just to further his political agenda.


THE WABAC SUDDENLY STOPS. ONCE MORE THE DOOR OPENS TO A STRANGE SCENE. MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN STARE IN DISBELIEF.

MEDIUM SHOT - JOHN KERRY - WEARING ONLY BATHING TRUNKS, KERRY IS CLIMBING INTO A SHELL-LIKE CONTRAPTION AND LYING DOWN. THE DOOR SLAMS BEFORE THEY SEE MORE.

MR. PEABODY CHUCKLES AND RETURNS TO ENTERING CODE. THE WABAC SHUDDERS, CIRCLES, THEN SLOWLY COMES TO A SMOOTH, EASY STOP. THE DOOR OPENS.

WIDE SHOT - INT - LABORATORY - MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN EXIT THE WABAC A BIT UNSTEADILY.

MEDIUM SHOT - INT - LABORATORY

SHERMAN
What was that?

MR. PEABODY
That last scene? Oh, that was John Kerry getting ready for the debates.

SHERMAN
By getting into some strange machine? No wonder his memory is all mixed up.

MR. PEABODY (laughs)
No Sherman. That was a tanning bed.


CLOSE UP - SHERMAN

SHERMAN
Why would John Kerry need a tanning bed to get ready for the debates?


  CLOSE UP - MR. PEABODY

  
MR. PEABODY
  Oh, that's quite simple, my boy. So John Kerry could honestly say "I have a tan."


  MEDIUM SHOT - SHERMAN GROANS - MR.   PEABODY SMILES.



FADE TO BLACK


*Created by Jay Ward
**Edited to include additional information dug up at Bad Hair Day Blog
***Bush/Cheney Poster dug up at A Small Victory.


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posted by Harrison at 1:16 AM

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Wednesday, October 20, 2004


The Alpha and the Omega

Well, here's someone who gets the bottom line. I've been tellin' ya' forever about needin' to have an Alpha in charge. And it's exactly the reason I can safely say canines are republicans and fe-lyings are democrats.

"George W. Bush is a throwback to the strong male that, until 30 years ago, was the accepted norm. It is only because America's sexual culture has become genderless that Bush's normal masculine qualities are treated with suspicion. The election this November will determine whether the nation still wants to be led by an Alpha male."

If ya' want a strong pack, ya' gotta' have a strong Alpha. Without one ya' don't get the prime huntin' ground and the best food. And other packs will start invadin' and stealin' your stuff until your whole society is wrecked.

"When it comes to making strategic decisions, soft men are useless. More preoccupied with emotion than reason, they seek to please everyone rather than solve the problem. And what do they do when they need to show they're real men? They don't show it; they talk about it."

Uh huh. Seems to me I've heard that idea somewhere before.

"The laws of Alpha behavior are the backbone not only in the world of animals but also of men. Alpha types come in all forms, good and evil, male and female. They are born, not created. They have common traits such as focus, egocentricity, high energy, and strong wills. Great success, in high stake games, is usually the result of Alpha types. Leaders, not followers, shape this world. As in nature, a predator -- the Alpha type -- instinctively smells out weakness and vulnerability. No nation that expects to be respected and feared can be led by anyone other than a true Alpha-type personality."

Yeah, I know I'm repeatin' myself. And I know I'm a lightweight in the political commentary department. But you could do a lot worse than listen to me. (You could listen to those fe-lyings on Kerry's side, for instance.)

"Canines are very society-oriented. We understand that alpha males (and alpha females) are necessary for an orderly society. Of course we do tend to beat the shit out of the other guy to get the upper paw, but hey--we're dogs for cryin' out loud! Still, we have pack laws we follow and a pecking order. Generally we respect our alpha without a lot of major pissing contests. (At least none that he can see, anyway.)"

Anyone getting' the message yet? Listen up! We gotta' have a leader, not a fe-lying schmuck who worries more about rubbin' on the UN's shins than grabbin' the bad guys by the short hairs.


UPDATE: Mr. Minority found proof of the Geek Factor--though there is some commentor debate about whether it should be "geek" or "dork." I just call it fe-lyin'!


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posted by Harrison at 4:08 PM

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Saturday, October 16, 2004


Dead Pets Society

Time these people were put out of their misery. (Take a gander at the bozo's mug shot and you'll see what I mean.) At the least, the rest of the country should demand the federal government post a warnin' on every "Welcome to Tennessee" sign: "This State Could be Hazardous to Your Dog's Health."

"Amid a heated public controversy, Hendersonville's police chief yesterday backed away from earlier statements that a police officer was justified in shooting a leashed dog Tuesday night in a public park.

Dog was not aggressive, owner says.

Animal advocacy groups respond.

"The video shows the animal control officer holding a leashed dog that is sitting calmly. Seconds later, a police officer appears. He grabs the leash along with the animal control officer. The dog begins to struggle. The police officer draws his gun and shoots the dog twice.

"Police say the dog was vicious and had attacked the animal control officer, causing redness and bruising to her leg. The animal control officer had responded to a call about a dog running loose about 5:18 p.m.

"This is not the first time a dog shooting by a Midstate police officer has raised controversy. On Jan. 1, 2003, a Cookeville, Tenn., police officer shot a North Carolina family's mixed-breed dog, Patton, at point-blank range during a traffic stop."

Go back to overeatin'--or citin' squeaky toys for corruptin' the morals of society. And for God's sake--someone take away those police revolvers until they stop thinkin' they're the Earp brothers at the OK Corral.


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posted by Harrison at 9:22 PM

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Friday, October 15, 2004


Rub-a-dub-a-dubby Ducky

Ya' know, AHM has a really--ah--odd sense of humor. She was laughin' about the story of the library flea market (and could we discuss that particular name, please?) sellin' "sex toys" on the local Presbyterian Church lawn.

Okay, it was a kinda' funny story, mainly because it happened in Tennessee. But, bein' Tennessee, they just couldn't leave it alone, even when they left it alone.

"[O]fficials in this Nashville suburb backed off from citing [Katherine] Williams [of Passions & Pleasures] for violating the city's sexually oriented business ordinance because she had already taken down her display by the time police responded to complaints Saturday. Nearby vendors also refused to be witnesses in the case.

[…]

"Williams said she'll be back at the flea market next year.

"If she does, she'll be cited into court," [City Administrator Ken] York said. "That duck is a sexual toy, and it was on display. That was a vibrator on display in public view."

Ever since she read that follow-up, AHM's been gigglin' and wanderin' around the house singin'. Now AHM is a pretty good singer--I mean, she used to do musical theater before she moved on to directin' and writin'. That's not the problem. It's the friggin' song.

Rubber Ducky.

To make things worse, she went out to the National Institutes of Health to find the music. Guess Mr. City Administrator York better ban Sesame Street from Tennessee airwaves or at least demand they get a "mature audiences" ratin'. This is real, hard-core stuff. Can FCC fines be far behind?

"Rubber Ducky, you're the one,
You make bathtime lots of fun,
Rubber Ducky, I'm awfully fond of you;

Woo woo be doo

Rubber Ducky, joy of joys,
When I squeeze you, you make noise!
Rubber Ducky, you're my very best friend, it's true!

Doo doo doo doo, doo doo

Every day when I
Make my way to the tubby
I find a little fella who's
Cute and yellow and chubby

Rub-a-dub-a-dubby!
"


Oh yeah. I'm addin' that sucker to my Christmas Wish List.


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posted by Harrison at 3:07 AM

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Thursday, October 14, 2004


Halloween Night Terrors

Just in case anyone was thinkin' about dressin' up their canines for Halloween…

Michele Carlin, 43, of Ferndale loves dressing her dogs up in cute costumes. This year, her 2-year-old Yorkshire terrier, Ruby, will don a poodle skirt with a pony tail for Halloween and her 12-year-old schnauzer, Bubbles, will be disguised as a sorceress.
"They're like my kids, except there's no adolescence," Carlin said. "I can dress them up and they don't complain."

Don't do it. I'm warnin' you. You think we don't complain? Maybe not in words, or even barks. But did ya' ever wonder why we have bowel problems at inconvenient times and suddenly need to go out two or three times a night? Or why the water bowl is suddenly upset all over the kitchen floor? Or why our favorite toy is left right in the doorway to the bathroom for you to trip over in the middle of the night?

No way do we canines want to look like this.

Spitzerich


Aaaarrrrgh!


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posted by Harrison at 11:51 PM

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Wednesday, October 13, 2004


Terrierphobic

Greg Hlatky of A Dog's Life confessed over the weekend that he has an attitude about terriers. What he probably doesn't expect is--I agree with him.

"There's one small problem, as illustrated by this story. Some years ago an acquaintance was going on vacation and, needing to have his Smooth Fox Terrier boarded, asked whether we'd put her up for a few days. No problem, we said. There's always room at the inn. We set up an exercise pen for her so the Borzoi wouldn't get to her (or the other way around) and got a crate in the garage.

"This girl spent a solid week barking, inextinguishable by any admonition. In a house where even an isolated bark brings inexorable justice upon the whole pack, the noise rapidly became intolerable."

You might remember me writin' about Maury the Mouth. We call him that not only because he eats whatever isn't nailed down, but because he barks at everything! A bird chirps--Maury barks. A doorbell rings on TV--Maury barks and barks. A squirrel tiptoes along the back fence--Maury barks and barks and barks. A felyin' strolls down the sidewalk across the street--Maury barks and barks and barks and barks. If he had a nice, manly bark maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But nooooo… He's got that yappy, yippy, yelpy bark every damn Smooth Fox, Wire Fox, and Jack Russell Terrier has--the stiletto-in-the-eardrums kind that drives you to suicide or murder--and they're always bouncin' off the walls, beds, chairs, tables, countertops, water bowls, and Little Girl like a canine version of Pong. (LG was not amused which led to a whole litter pan full of other problems.)

AHM is pretty good about trainin' us--well, trainin' the others since I don't need to be "trained" like other canines. She took on the Maury challenge armed with nothin' more than a squirt bottle full of water. The war raged. Maury almost needed scuba gear and AHM spent a lotta' time moppin' the floors. But she got the decible level down to livable, at least when he's visitin' us. (He gets left alone at home, but that's their problem.)

One of the things AHM likes best about us Australian Terriers is 1) we rarely bark without a reeeaaly good reason (like "It's dinnertime, woman!"), and 2) we bark like a big dog. None of that yappy "little" terrier stuff for us. I think there are more of us polite, non-yappy little terriers out there than people realize. I can't say Westies are one of them, though, 'cause we used to have a Westie visitin' who'd hide under the bed and bark at everyone walkin' past. And I've only met my compatriots in the show ring, meanin' they're the best of the best and not into bad behavior.

So Greg, I think you got a rotten deal with that Smooth Fox bitch. Sounds like she was brought up bad. Even Aussies can be brought up bad--believe me, I know. The mere thought of that conjures memories of Junior who almost had Maury the Mouth beat. On the other paw, we are perfect gentleman and ladies. (Everyone says so--including the photographer who took that picture up there.) My dad taught us well and he was accepted in all the best stores on Rodeo Drive so you know he was a class act.

Besides, I don't like getting' water up the schnozzola.


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posted by Harrison at 10:09 AM

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They Got This Right

Terriorists
is a
Sausage-Eating Killer Monkey


...with a Battle Rating of 6.8



To see if your Food-Eating Battle Monkey can
defeat Terriorists, enter your name:



Mess with my vote, Baxter, and I'm comin' for ya'.


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posted by Harrison at 10:04 AM

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Kibbles 'n Bits®

Since we're close to the election that's got everyone howlin' and yowlin', I'll start off with some votin' monkeyshines.

"Critics of the Diebold touch-screen voting machines turned their attention Wednesday from the machines themselves to the computers that will tally the final vote, saying the outcome is so easy to manipulate that even a monkey could do it.

"And they showed video of a monkey hacking the system to prove it. In the minute-long video produced by Black Box Voting, Baxter the chimp is shown deleting the audit log that is supposed to keep track of changes in the Diebold central tabulator, the computer and program that keeps track of county vote totals."

Better get this straightened out, people. There are already enough humans messin' with that votin' business.

On the other paw--ya' gotta' keep your eye on those monkeys. Check Baxter's party registration…

Vols Just Wanna' Have Fun
I’m always pickin' on Tennessee ('cause they make it so easy) so I thought y'all would like knowin' they like a good time as much as the next guy--gal--brother, sister, uncle, first cousin...

"Risque bedroom products had organizers blushing at Saturday's Friends of Spring Hill Library flea market — which was held at a local church. Among the dozens of booths set up on the lawn of Spring Hill Presbyterian Church was one vendor promoting personal pleasure toys and intimate products for women and couples."

Never play with those kinds of toys--unless you count AHM's leg…

Think they come with a government warnin' like: "Should not be used with your immediate family?"

Days of Our Lives--in the Flesh
Now this is some lawn and garden advice I would never give.

"A vicar, a GP and a village policeman have stripped off to raise money for their church roof and organ. They are among 12 to strip for a charity calendar in aid of Holy Trinity Church in Barham, Suffolk.

"Churchgoer Stephanie Bubb, came up with the idea reports The Sun. Her husband, GP Dr. Anthony Bubb, plays the organ in the nude, while the Rev John Buchanan cuts the lawn naked in the calendar."

Wonder what the village cop did--and if his gun was loaded…

The Giant "Melvin"

"An Essex man believes he has the biggest cock in Britain - a 2ft monster which he calls Melvin. The giant cockerel weighs more than 15lbs and dwarfs other roosters, says The Sun."

What d'ya' think I was talkin' about? Still… D'ya' get the feelin' a lot of men are renamin' a certain appendage even as I type?


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posted by Harrison at 12:06 AM

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Thursday, October 07, 2004


That they are Mad, ’t is True: ’t is Pity*

Just to prove I can take pity on those suffering from the heartbreak of felying photo withdrawal--and houndin' Meryl Yourish to post Tig pics since Glenn Reynolds has fallin' down on the job recently**--I direct your attention to Madison Square Garden this weekend. The Cat Fanciers are having a big felying festival there, pretendin' they're like the canines who arrive for Westminster in February. And btw, it's no mistake the cats show up at Halloween and the dogs arrive around Valentine's Day. In fact, if you follow the link, you'll find there are cat shows all over the place--liked spilled kitty litter--for the next seven years! (Talk about bad luck. At least I know the places to avoid.)

Okay, okay. I know you addicts--your hairball withdrawal won't be satisfied without pictures. So here ya' go. The 2003-2004 Top Twenty-five Cats, the Top Twenty Kittens, and the Top Twenty Cats in Premiership (alters). That last means the felyings in those photos won't be makin' any carbon copies of themselves--ever. Considerin' some of the pics, that's a very wise decision. (I gotta' admit Meryl's Gracie is a better looker than almost all of 'em.)

C'mon. Be honest. Don't most of these suckers look like they've been at the wrong end of a grapefruit shoved by James Cagney? And the rest look like they've had a major run-in with an Australian sheep shearer--and lost.

But hey--you asked for it. Some people will even vote for Kerry Litter too. Go figure.

*Sorry Bill.
**This is not an endorsement of felying bloggin'!


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posted by Harrison at 10:30 PM

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CatDog Fight!

All right! This media melee has all the earmarks of bein' like those cartoon battles--a huge wheelin' cloud of snarlin', snappin', yippin', yelpin', and yowlin', with dust flyin' and lots !#X*$(!? 's flyin' off the edges.

"…[I]t is hard to imagine anything more galling than the unspoken media subtext of the election—the idea that this slime-fest somehow represents an important moment, a landmark memory, in our own lives. The implication that we're such losers that we would actually want to watch this crap 24 hours a day for 15 or 16 months is almost more appalling than the behavior of the candidates themselves.

"Though we're tempted to blame the politicians, it's time to dig deeper. It's time to blame the press corps that daily brings us this unrelenting symphony of horseshit and never comes within 1000 miles of an apology for any of it...

"To begin this important process of collective healing, we must find that first person to mark with our scorn. That is why New York Press has launched the First Quadrennial Election Hack Invitational—a tournament, to be held between now and the week after the election, which will answer the question: "Who is the worst campaign journalist in America?"

Mark with scorn, eh? Sounds like there'll be a whole lotta' leg-liftin' goin' on…

"The rules are very simple. We have chosen 32 of the country's leading campaign reporters, mostly from the world of print, and bracketed them into pairs. Each week, the pairs will square off against one another. Whoever writes worse, advances. It's that simple.

"The tournament progresses until the week after the election, when the writer of the worst and most slavish and dishonest election post-mortem among the two remaining contestants will receive an Illustrious Mystery Prize from the New York Press tournament committee. Anyone familiar with the history of these sorts of competitions is welcome to speculate as to what that might be.

"To determine a winner in each match-up, the contenders' articles will be examined by a three-person panel of drug-addicted judges culled from the editorial ranks of this newspaper. Our decisions are completely subjective and cannot be appealed. In fact, one of our rules is that any appeal from a contestant, whether in private or in public, results in automatic advance through to the next round."

Follow the link to the tournament chart.

Dug up at the World Magazine Blog.


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posted by Harrison at 10:03 PM

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Wednesday, October 06, 2004


Kibbles 'n Bits®

One day last summer Buck Wolf of ABC News decided to paw through all the stuff out there designed to make us canines happier and spiffier--or not, as the case may be. 'Course I don't need any extras, but for those less fortunate--or for those whose Alphas have bouts of Omega silliness that get crossed with their momentary lack of financial prudence--here's what's available.

Naturally heading off the list is what I like to call the "Kerry Enhancers" otherwise known as "Neuticles" for the anatomically altered. Now you can buy 'em with little microchips inside so when your candidate--er--companion--flips and flops, wanders in rhetorical circles, and generally can't figure out which way he's headin', you can find him again. If you want to.

"Restoring and Recovering a Neutered Friend: If you otherwise treat your pet as an equal, you may have mixed feelings when it comes to neutering. But dog lovers — like so many others people these days — have been turning to plastic surgery for relief. Since 1995, more than 100,000 dogs in 32 countries have received Neuticles — prosthetic testicular implants that give dogs — or perhaps just their owners — the feeling that nothing's changed."

I probably shouldn't put these two paragraphs one right after the other, but what the hell.

Lie Down With Dogs: "Don't be embarrassed. If you're a typical American, you've probably slept with a few dogs … and had a tail-waggin' good time.

"Oh Tempora! Oh Mores!"* I blame radical left-wing felyings.

"Pull back the covers and you'll find that 41 percent of dog owners share their bed with their shaggy pals, according to a marketing survey by the American Pet Products Manufacturing Association."

Now I sleep with AHM, but I'm only a foot tall, 20 pounds, and keep to my side of the bed. (She claims I snore, but I'm not buyin' it.) When SHF was around, Haley slept on her bed. Well, took over her bed was more like it. See, Haley was always a greedy little bitch who wanted it all, especially if it was someone else's. That's probably why she hung around SHF so much--but I digress… One night AHM and me were just getting' ready to climb into the sack when there was a God-awful thump from the upstairs bedroom.

We raced up the stairs thinkin' all sorts of things. I was all ready to take on a second story man and AHM had the portable phone ready to call 911 when we burst into SHF's room--to find SHF scramblin' back into her bed. After a nearly incomprehensible question and answer session--tough to understand humans when one is laughin' uncontrollably and the other is mumblin' into a pillow--the truth was revealed. Haley had kicked SHF out of bed.

AHM has a whole notebook full of snide comments and raunchy jokes about that incident. But there is a way to keep your canine (or felying, if you must) happy.

"Beautyrest for the Dog Tired: Maybe your spouse gave you an ultimatum, "It's me or the dog." After all, not everyone wants to sleep with a panting, howling beast that drinks from the toilet.

Women, add bad joke here. Now continue.

"Fear not. Even if you and your pet can't share the same bed, you can still share the same mattress. The Simmons Beautyrest mattress — with its patented individual pocketed coils — is now available in three doggie sizes, and can be dressed up in specially fitted sheets to match your breed's coloring, from chocolate Lab to black-and-white Dalmatian."

Next--just in time for Christmas. At least this suggestion beats the raindeer antlers and the "Ho, Ho, Ho Y'all" tee shirts. Don't ask.

"Canine-Coordinated Fashion: If it's really important for you and your dog to wear matching attire, Land's End may have the answer. The retailer now offers several lines of sweaters in adult, child and infant/toddler sizes, as well as five canine sizes. Imagine an idyllic Christmas with every member of the family — Fido included — sporting a festive reindeer sweater. Now that's a holiday photo."

When AHM was really into the business of dog shows and we were really into the business of reproducin' ourselves, she would have a professional photographer take our pictures every Christmas then send 'em out on calendars. Yeah, true confession time--I was a pin-up dog…

Normally AHM is pretty good about not makin' us look silly, but sometimes I think her brain gets taken over by…by…by a felyin'! One year I narrowly missed wearin' wings, a halo, and singin' Christmas carols when I picked a fight with my half-brother. Got left at home for bein' pissy.

Now here's why some dogs need liposuction…

"Bringing Up Baby: Just like any proud parent, you can now push your dog around in a specially designed stroller. Just beware when confused passers-by greet you with the old pleasantry, "My, that baby looks just like you."

And last but not least--somethin' you readers will never need with me around.

"Barking Translation Services: What would your dog say if he could speak?… Bowlingual matches your dogs "woofs," "arfs" and "arooos" to a handheld database that offers different interpretations for different breeds, because everyone knows how snooty French poodles get when their caviar bowl is empty. The Bowlingual's "Home Alone" mode records what your dog is thinking while you're at work…

Not much. But if Haley starts one more chorus of "99 Beef Ribs Were Thrown in the Trash" I'm gonna' kill her.


*Poem by Edgar Allen Poe.


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posted by Harrison at 11:57 PM

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The Emperor's Dog Has No Clothes

I warned you humans about these bogus pet psychics earlier, and here's more proof. This guy actually called a few just to get the lowdown. You've been warned. Now laugh it up, fuzzballs.

"I decide to test pet psychic veracity by phoning several. Since I don't have a pet, I pose as my own dog, who happens to go by my name…

I[nfiltrator]: No! And other dogs don't seem to get along with him. Can you hold on? HARMON, QUIT DRINKING OUT OF THE TOILET! Sorry about that -- what were you saying?
[Pet Psychic 1]: You know what his thing is? He doesn't like rude dogs. He is very proper. Almost like, I guess, a butler. He likes things to be just so, while at the same time he's very lighthearted.

Infiltrator: He's aggressive to Grandma. Should I not like her?
[Pet Psychic 2]: One of the things Harmon said was that Grandma gets a little cranky at times, and so he ... let me look at my notes ... [Pause.] Oh, Harmon's absolutely funny, he just said [the psychic assumes a cartoony dog voice], "She's a bit cranky. I admit I don't get the warm and fuzzy feeling from her."

Why did Harmon chew up my slippers? (During this pet psychic session, I occasionally hold the phone away from me and make barking and yelping noises.)
Pet Psychic 4: I asked him if he chewed up your slippers, and he either doesn't remember it or is in total denial, 'cause it wasn't a big deal for him.
Infiltrator: [Ruff-ruff!] Well, here's the really weird part -- they were slippers given to me by Grandma! [Woof-woof!]
PP4: That's interesting. I'll talk to him about it. I'll tell him he needs to back off. I'll work with him. I often have clients call me two weeks later and say, "Oh my God, I thought it was stupid when you said this to me, but now I get it."
I: [Grrrrr-grrrrr!] GODDAMN IT, HARMON, STOP DOING THAT TO MY LEG!
(Pet Psychic No. 4 recommends some New Age drops you put on your pet's head to "balance out his energy." They cost $17 a bottle. She happens to sell the stuff.)

I believe that my dog was President John F. Kennedy in a past life. Is this true?
Pet Psychic 8: There's a real controversy when animals talk about whether they were a person before. And, I have to tell you, they do that a lot. They say they were nuns, or priests, or warriors. They are not necessarily lying.
Infiltrator: [Getting annoyed.] So was my dog JFK or not?
PP8: [Pause.] Harmon wasn't exactly reincarnated into the president. But their energies really aligned and merged as one.

I'm not sayin' we don't talk to humans--course we do. But we don't play mind games. And ya' don't need no stinkin' "pet psychic" to know my thoughts. Just read my blog.


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posted by Harrison at 9:00 PM

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Tuesday, October 05, 2004


Toast of the Pound

Yeah, I know a beagle from Miami was named "Top Dog" 2004. But no one asked my opinion--so I'll give it anyway. Here's my candidate.

"A dog has been baffling staff at Battersea Dog's Home after breaking out of his kennel and releasing his canine pals for midnight feasts. The lurcher, called Red, learnt to free himself and his companions to carry out night raids on the kitchen at the animal shelter in south London."

Par-tay! Gotta' love a pooch that remembers his buds. Just one question. What the hell is a lurcher? A drunken greyhound*? Now that would be an interestin' race…

"Becky Blackmore, of Battersea Dog's Home, revealed the evidence on GMTV. She said: "It is really amazing because lurchers aren't particularly renowned for their intelligence. It is amazing that he has worked out how to get out of his own kennel but then also that he goes and lets all his friends out. They had lots of food, lots of fun and games and caused loads of mess."

See, that's what happens when you humans underestimate us. 'Course I wouldn't have caused the mess. My Dad taught me to be neat--and he was a master. Once I watched him retrieve a pork chop bone from the trash bin. (SHF could never remember not to toss bones in the kitchen trash.) Anyway, there he was, standing upright, holding the lid up with his forehead while he pawed his way through the eggshells and tin cans 'til he found the bone, pulled it out and waltzed off. Then the kids hit the can--yeah, me too. AHM would yell and scream (she hated sweeping up coffee grounds) and Dad would just sit in the door, watchin' and grinnin'. I learned.

Felyings, of course, would make a mess and hog everything for themselves.

*(Guess I wasn't too far off about the greyhound bein' drunk.)


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posted by Harrison at 1:00 AM

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Monday, October 04, 2004


Our Porous Borders

The Baha Men Commission Report doesn't answer the question that needs to be answered! How did they escape?
(Dug up at Marcland.)

But the good news is…our lemons aren't, well, lemons thanks to the diligence of canines border enforcers.

"[U.S. Customs and Border Protection's "Top Dog"] 2004 winner is a Beagle stationed at Miami International Airport and is helping safeguard America's agriculture resources by intercepting prohibited fruits, vegetables, meats, and animal byproducts that could introduce foreign pests or diseases into the United States."

A few buildin's might get blown to kingdom come, but those terrorist fruit flies don't stand a chance with the CBP on the job.


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posted by Harrison at 10:20 PM

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