Harrison
Name:Harrison Location:United States

The Original Lovable Little Fuzzball

Here's the straight stuff.


The adventures of Harrison are true.
Try a few of his Crunchy Bites for a taste.
--Alpha Human Mom





Wednesday, August 31, 2005


Remember the Animal Victims

If anyone knows of other private rescue organizations, or people in the surrounding areas with enough room (and willingness) to board refugees' pets, email me and I will post the information.

AFTERNOON UPDATE: Laurence Simon just sent this info:

Something from Houston on LiveJournal:

Hurricane Katrina has left many people homeless. When they are able to return they will be looking for shelter for their families. Many of these shelters will not allow them to take their animals. There is an organization called E.A.R.S. http://www.uan.org/ears/index.html that helps families keep their animals. They are begging for temporary homes in the Houston area. If you can take care of someone's treasured family pet until they get settled again please contact Betsy Fleming at elizabeth.fleming1@jsc.nasagov

Please give her a brief description of what you can handle such as cat, dog, ferret, caged rodents, etc.

Thank you in advance for helping ease some of the stress these families are going through. You don't know how much this means to them to know their fur babies are okay while they reconstruct their lives. Our rescue group is already receiving pleas for help from persons displaced by Katrina. They evacuated to Houston with their pets but now are essentially homeless and need either temporary or permanent placement for their beloved pets as they work on rebuilding their lives.

NOON UPDATE: From comments on Brendan Loy’s Blog:

The Humane Society of the United States is on their way down with Disaster Relief Teams (http://www.hsus.org/index.html), Noah's Wish went down on Monday with search and recovery teams (http://www.noahswish.com) and the Humane Society of Northwest Louisiana has opened it emergency shelter and is telling evacuees to bring their animals to the LSU campus in Shreveport (http://www.hsnwla.org/)

UPDATE: Fellow Homespun Blogger, Omar of The Bull Speaks, runs a reptile rescue in Alabama. He writes they're okay and open for business if anyone needs them. Email: critters@ondogriver.net

Also: some bird rescue information from an organization in Appling, Ga. Contact Ron or Tammy Johnson at 706.541.9316 or e-mail at birdrescueron@aol.com

"They are our pets. We domesticate them. We bring them into our lives and make them dependent on us for food, shelter, medical care, and love. In return, they enrich our lives in so many ways. Yet somehow, when disaster stiikes they often seem to fall between the cracks. This is not to say that human life is not more important, yet it seems as though a system ought to exist for them in times of disaster as it does for us. Often left behind in the urgency of the moment, like very small children they are at a loss to understand just why this is happening to them. Every underpinning in their life is suddenly gone. The people around which their lives revolved have vanished. Their homes as they have known them have disappeared. They are lost, alone, afraid, and often hungry, thirsty, and in pain. Somehow a system must exist for them as it does for us." ~Cat Fanciers' Almanac, December 1994

American Kennel Club

"In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the American Kennel Club (AKC) is working to make contact with delegates, presidents and secretaries of AKC Member and Licensed Clubs in the hurricane- stricken states. If your club is in need of assistance or you know a shelter that needs help, please contact us at ajs@akc.org or call 212-696-8220. You may also call Diane Albers, FAKC, at 800-597-2987.

"In anticipation of the needs of the canine victims, we are accepting monetary donations. If you wish to make a tax-deductible donation, you may send it to the AKC/CAR Canine Support and Relief Fund at the address below. Contributions made to the AKC/CAR Canine Support and Relief Fund are used to immediately purchase needed equipment and supplies and deliver them directly to contact centers. For online donations. Inquiries should be directed to: Fund Administrator, American Kennel Club, (919) 816-3564; e-mail: krm@akc.org

Cat Fanciers Association

"If the locale in which you live is in need of disaster relief assistance, please send email to disaster-relief-request@cfa.org"

ASPCA®

"In recognition of the loss and devastation left in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the ASPCA® (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals®) has issued a call for help and in-kind aid for the numerous animal shelters effected by this incredible natural disaster. With the funds raised, the ASPCA, working through its National Outreach department, will grant the money to shelters most in need of financial support as a result of this week's hurricane.

"Contributions will go directly to the ASPCA Disaster Relief Fund. To donate to the ASPCA Disaster Relief Fund, please go to www.aspca.org/disaster or call (212) 876-7700 Ext.4516."

American Humane Association.

Humane Society of the United States.

From Yahoo News.

"San Diego-based Petco is raising money for the four- legged victims of Hurricane Katrina by asking shoppers to donate by rounding up their purchases to the highest dollar, the company announced Tuesday. The donations raised in the fundraiser, which runs until Sept. 11, will go to Petco Animal Supplies Inc.'s own charitable foundation to be spent on animal welfare-related disaster relief needs in the Gulf Coast region, according to the company."

More.

Many gulf coast residents simply did not have enough time to take care of their pets when the hurricane hit. So, animal rescue groups like Sacramento's United Animal Nations are ready to help.

More information as I dig it up.


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posted by Harrison at 1:42 PM

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Tuesday, August 30, 2005


Blogging for Katrina Relief Day

Thursday, September 1.

Per Hugh Hewitt, Glenn Reynolds, Michelle Malkin, and Chuck Simmins.


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posted by Harrison at 7:23 PM

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Sunday, August 28, 2005


Apocalypse Now

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

After living through a direct hit by a mere Category 1 hurricane not long ago, I pray for those in the path of Katrina.


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posted by Harrison at 4:33 PM

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Saturday, August 27, 2005


There She Goes…Again

AHM's been ridin' the ole' Wayback Machine ever since she read the Miss American pagent is leavin' Atlantic City. Not that she ever attended, but she went to college with the daughter of one of the pageant directors.

Then, while she was talkin' with a friend, they discovered they both used to visit AC when they were pups--and stayed in the same hotel, at the same time and never met each other. 'Course that was all back in somethin' BC (Before Canines) and she says the good stuff is long gone thanks to gamblin' and the wreckin' ball. All that's left is a bunch of names on a Monopoly board. Must admit I woulda' liked to have seen a horse go off a divin' board [They really didn't--just sort of slid down a ramp into a pool~AHM]--or the real live Mr. Peanut walkin' up and down the Boardwalk (bet he had really big shoes to whizz on)--or stayed in this hotel:

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(Click for bigger image)


Naturally that reminded me of this headline…

Police Recover Man's Body From Elephant Butte

…which now makes perfect sense.


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posted by Harrison at 7:18 PM

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Friday, August 26, 2005


Ew ew ew ew…

…ew!

This is where you and your kids wash your hands and faces, brush your teeth; where you wash the dishes you eat from and cook your food in.

Think hairballs in the drain. Think fleas. Think dirty litter between the toes. Think fleas. Think The Plague!

Oh, the (stupid) humanity…


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posted by Harrison at 6:35 PM

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Sunday, August 21, 2005


War Declared!

France vs. California

Guess who's winnin'?

It's not easy gettin' a frog to croak, 'specially a giant California bullfrog. 'Course considerin' how Californians and Frenchies think so much alike, they probably feel right at home.

"Hunters working for the government's wildlife agency will be stalking ponds in south-west France this weekend, aimed with flash-lights, rifles, silencers and night-vision sights."

France actually has that kinda' equipment? Who knew? Do they know how to use it?

"They have been mobilised for the most intensive effort so far to terminate a plague of giant Californian bullfrogs which is threatening to disrupt the ecology of the Gironde, Dordogne and several other départements.

'Course the French can't moblize to terminate a little plague like…oh…terrorism?

"The aggressive and voracious bullfrog…can grow to more than 4lbs in weight and almost 2ft long. It consumes other frogs, fish, lizards and even small birds. Since the frogs were first released, as a joke, on a private pond near Libourne in 1968, they have colonised ponds, lakes, marshes and gravel pits all over the département of the Gironde… Had they been a delicacy for humans, the American interlopers might have been tolerated. Unfortunately for them, they are inedible (even their enormous legs)."

The Froginator Workout--DVDs soon available at gyms and health clubs everywhere.

Hosted by ImageShack"Destroying the frogs is not easy, however. The Gironde fisheries protection association attacked a pond full of bullfrogs with electricity a few years ago. The frogs fought back. The hunters battled with them for two hours. They killed just one frog before they gave up."

Sacré blu! The Froggies even surrender to other froggies! Hahahahahahahaha!

"Assaults on the frogs have also been made with nets and by draining ponds, to little effect. Game-keepers and volunteers working for the…(National Hunting and Wild-life Agency) have now developed night-fighting techniques… "Shooting them with rifles is the most effective method we have found," said an environmental campaigner, Luc Gueugneau. "It seemed like a rather mean-spirited approach at first but we found that it was the best way of killing all the adults."

Too bad they didn't figure that out in WWI or WWII or Vietnam or…well, the list is waaay to long.

"Even so, experimental attacks on ponds and lakes over the past 11 months have killed only 120 frogs."

See their aim hasn't improved over the years either.

"A much bigger offensive, starting this weekend, aims to exterminate all the bullfrogs in France within five to 10 years."

I'm not holdin' my breath. And just don't bother askin' America for any help this time around. Then again, we might send you the California Demo-cat legislators if you ask nicely. If nothin' else, they'll raise taxes so high the frogs will leave on their own.


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posted by Harrison at 5:19 PM

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Saturday, August 20, 2005


The Original Media Whore…

…or, who says the classics have to be boring…

No, this isn't a Cindy Sheehan post. Accordin' to AHM, this is somethin' that goes back a loooooong time--almost 2500 years long. Boy, you humans never learn, do you?

See, there was this woman named Medea who was the daughter of King Aeetes who owned the Golden Fleece. She was also a witch with all sorts of magic powers (but more like Voldemort's than Harry's). Anyway, along comes a guy called Jason--frontman for the Argonauts and son of a former king--who decided to make a grab for the Fleece. Medea, seein' her chance at the big time, made a deal to use her magic to help if Jason would marry her.

Jason went along with the idea and, after gettin' the Fleece, he and Medea and her brother Absyrtis all took off together, with King Aeetes in hot pursuit. Soon they were losin' the race so, to distract the pursuers, Medea killed her brother and dumped the body in Fort Marcy Park.

No, wait--wrong myth. Sorry. Um… Oh, yeah.

Medea killed her brother, cut up his body and scattered the pieces to the sharks (who were waitin' with baited breath and digital recorders to snap up any tidbit about the renegade couple) followin' the Argos. When King Aeetes stopped to collect his son's body for burial, Jason, Medea and company escaped back to Iolcus.

Once there, Medea decided to help hubby Jason get the top job in Iolcus (which she figured he deserved) by plottin' to do away with the current King Pelias, who lots of people claimed stole the election. She convinced Pelias' daughter she was her friend and could make her father young again with magic health care. Medea tricked the daughter into cuttin' Pelias' throat then sorta' forgot all about the magical medical plan part.

After that, the rest of the country wasn't real happy with the way Jason and Medea were runnin' things, so the pair had to hightail it to Chappaqua--er-- Corinth--where they had a couple of kids. Guess Jason eventually got tired of dealin' with all of Medea's crap (livin' with a witch will do that to a guy) 'cause he started messin' around with a princess. Needless to say, when he divorced her and decided to marry the princess, Medea was not a happy camper. In fact, she pretty much went nutso--not that she had any claim to sane before. She launched a massive hate campaign, poisonin' Jason's new wife and father-in-law, and killin' her own children, just to get back at Jason.

According to some reporters at the time, Medea fled Corinth in a chariot drawn by dragons--thus convenin' the first ever meetin' of the National Organization of Women. To protest all Jason's alleged lies, Medea hauled the dead bodies of her kids with her, claimin' they were a symbol of his betrayal and would have supported her opposition to Jason's callous disregard for her grief.

Medea showed up in the Big Apple of Athens, smoozin' with Aegeus. Right off the bat she started pretendin' she'd changed her ways and got Aegeus to marry her. They had a son, Medus. Things were fine until Aegeus' other son Theseus (the guy who would eventually kill the Minotaur in the Maze and rid Athens of squeegy men) arrived. Since she'd never really changed, Medea immediately tried to trick Aegeus into killin' Theseus 'cause she wanted all the power for herself and her kid.

Considerin' the lady's track record, you know the plan was doomed to fail. Medea and Medus went on the lam, eventually settlin' down to create their own country where they could say and do whatever they wanted and everyone still wrote nice things about 'em. According to reliable sources (who wish to remain anonymous) it was named…

Media.

Really.

"…[T]hey say we live secure at home, while they are at the wars, with their sorry reasoning, for I would gladly take my stand in battle array three times o'er, than once give birth… I am destitute, without a city, and therefore scorned by my husband,… with no mother, brother, or kinsman in whom to find a new haven of refuge from this calamity. Wherefore this one boon and only this I wish to win from thee,-thy silence, if haply I can some way or means devise to avenge me on [him] for this cruel treatment… For though woman be timorous enough in all else,…yet in the moment she finds her honour wronged, no heart is filled with deadlier thoughts than hers." Medea by Euripides, 431 BC


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posted by Harrison at 11:42 AM

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How Rude

Some of you humans will stop at nothin' to snap up your fifteen minutes of media fame--even usin' canines.

Sheehan supporters claim canines back Bush protester

Yeah, right. Take a look at these pics.

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This one's too embarrassed
to show their face.





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This one's lookin'
to chase the next car outa' town.






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And this one's got some
serious memory issues.







Oops, sorry. That's not a canine. Just a dog.


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posted by Harrison at 12:18 AM

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Monday, August 15, 2005


Dog Days of Summer

Bet'cha thought that meant everyone went foamin'-at-the-mouth crazy didn't ya'? The ole' mad dogs and Englishmen business. These days ya' might as well add the MSM to that list, but that's not the real story.

"Sirius, the brightest star in the sky, is the original source of the term “dog days of summer.” …the “Dog Star" apparently originated from the ancient Egyptians who named the bright star, Sihor. Sihor was another name for the powerful Egyptian dog-headed divinity Anubis. In ancient Egypt the dog star, under the name Sihor, rose along side the Sun when summer was at its very hottest."

Huh! Ya' don't see ole' Leo the Lion hangin' around with such hot company. Just in case you're wonderin', no, there are no constellations named for domesticated (and I use the term lightly) fe-lyings. Well, actually some Frenchie named Jérôme Lalande did try to make one up back in 1805, jammin' it between an ant (Antlia) and a snake (Hydra), but, as expected when ya' combine a Froggie and a fe-lyin', no one paid attention.

"The ancient Egyptians celebrated the return of the “dog days,” because the rising of the Sun, combined with the Dog Star, announced…that the River Nile would flood, reviving all of the surrounding parched land… Thus, the start of the Egyptian sacred year was marked each year by the reappearance of the Dog Star rising with the Sun."

And you thought the Egyptians worshipped fe-lyings. Hahahahahaha!

"The Dog Star was to be later named Sirius by the Greeks, after the Greek word for “serious” or “ardent.”

You humans could learn a thing or three from those old guys, ya' know. They had the right idea. 'Specially 'bout the ardent part…

"Both the ancient Egyptian and Roman traditions, looked at the Dog Star as being a 2nd Sun, and both agreed that the Dog Star was responsible for the intense summer heat by adding its own heat to the heat of the Sun… However,…in ancient Rome, the “dog days” – dies caniculares in Latin – came to have more negative associations, such as “intolerable heat, lethargy, disease, and mad dogs. Pliny (A.D. 23-79), in his Natural History, refers to the increased risk of attack by rabid dogs in July and August.”1…"

Well, doesn't that just explain all the kitty litter flyin' around these days--from Able Danger, to NARAL to Cindy Sheehan.

"There are even some interesting speculations that the dog star, Sirius – as part of the astrological sky – played a significant role in the timing of the birth of the United States of America, as well as in the laying of the Washington Monument cornerstone in Washington D.C. They were purposefully, with intent, scheduled for precise moments when the dog star, Sirius, was located in various auspicious positions in the sky.2"

I keep tryin' to tell you people canines are superior political animals since we understand how to work in packs with an elected leader. (Okay, so we elect 'em with a lot of snappin' and snarlin' and rippin' and chewin'. Don't see you humans doin' much different.) So start listenin' already!


1James Owen, National Geographic News, July 16, 2004
2The Secret Architecture of our Nation's Capitol; David Ovason


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posted by Harrison at 8:35 PM

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Saturday, August 13, 2005


Animal Fair*


"I went to the Animal Fair
The birds and the beasts were there
The big baboon by the light of the moon
Was combing his auburn hair…
"


The "reluctant" groom was a total cow and security was tight at a recent event, with guests bein' monitored hoof and paw as the search continued for a jailbird believed to be in the vicinity.

But that didn't stop the other attendees from celebratin', with the coyote gettin' pickled and the squirrel gettin' his nuts in a twist over the buffet.

Rumors abound the honeymoon will be Down Under to surf the fabled Gold Coast at the invite of Aussie rodents Harry, Chopsticks and Bunsen (who could not attend the fête due to their "rigorous bathtub training" regimen).

(For the full stories, Read the Rest!)

Groom cow, jailbird chicken take top prizes

"If there's no business like show business then it follows that there is no spectacle like the spectacle of dressing up animals… The winning bird was shown by Samantha Davis who collected $25 as a prize. Keegan Miller won second place and $15 with her cowboy chicken and Michael Leeper won third and $10 with his graduate chicken…

"One cow, wearing a large Cardinals no. 5 jersey was Albert Moo-juls. Another cow was outfitted as a Nas-cow. There also was a football player and a cheerleader and a turtle and a hare… Winning first place and $40 was Audrey Kinzinger of Freeburg with her reluctant groom cow in a tuxedo. Since the costume of the animal and the contestant must follow the same theme, Audrey played the bride."

Horse Detectives

"Tuesday…three well-groomed horses - Slick, Rocky and Wynona - each raised a hoof, patiently waited for it to be inked and set it down on paper to "sign" documents commissioning [Snohomish County's] mounted patrol. "We're going to swear them in, but I don't speak horse," Sheriff Rick Bart joked…

"The three volunteer their time, own the horses and pay for feed and care out of their own pockets. Donations for uniforms and equipment also come from a program called Pennies for Puppies and Ponies. "No tax dollars are going for hay," Bart said."

Dogs graduate from bomb-sniffing school

"U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff on Thursday paid tribute to one of America's most useful weapons in the war on terrorism -- the nose of a well-trained dog. Chertoff presided over a graduation ceremony for 10 dogs and their trainers, handing out badges on dog collars…"

Coyote gets pickled

"A canyon overlook is a desirable view in San Diego, but in Golden Hill, the sight of coyotes may be getting a little too close for comfort… A coyote's natural instinct is to stay out of sight during the day. The animals usually shy away from people. But [KGTV] 10News caught a coyote unable to feed himself. His head was stuck in a pickle jar, and neighbors have no idea how long he's been like that.

"Animal Control officers are having a tough time trying to catch the coyote. He apparently still has enough strength to run and hide. "We want to get that pickle jar off this coyote's head. For humane reasons, we don't want him to suffer. We don't want him to go through life with a pickle jar on his head," [Virginia Moreno, from Animal Control] said."

Greedy squirrel trapped by nuts

"A squirrel learned not to overeat when he was caught in a bird feeder after scoffing too many nuts. The bushy-tailed thief had managed to squeeze his way into the wire cage, but after a huge feed his belly had grown so much that he couldn't escape. Things soon got worse, as the feeder fell off its pole and rolled towards a stream… Luckily he was spotted before reaching the water. The RSPCA cut him loose and set the nut-napper free!"

Surfin' Mice

"Canaberra (Reuters) - Australia -- land of sun, sand and ... surfing mice? Australian Shane Willmott is training three mice, named Harry, Chopsticks and Bunsen, to surf small waves on tiny mouse-size surf boards at beaches on the country's Gold Coast. The mice are put through rigorous bathtub training and then some have their fur dyed when it is time to hit the beach."

(AHM knows more useless kids songs than I thought existed! -- Harrison)

(Since I also know where the key to the dog food bin is kept, maybe I should make you start singing for your supper. -- AHM)

*Animal Fair

"I went to the Animal Fair
The birds and the beasts were there
The big baboon by the light of the moon
Was combing his auburn hair

"You should have seen the monk
He sat on the elephant's trunk
The elephant sneezed and fell on his knees
And that was the end of the monk
The monk, the monk, the monk,

"Said a flea to a fly in a flue
Said the flea "Oh what shall we do?"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"; said the flea, "Let us fly!"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue

"I went to the Animal Fair
The birds and the beasts were there
The big baboon by the light of the moon
Was combing his auburn hair

"You should have seen the monk
He sat on the elephant's trunk
The elephant sneezed and fell on his knees
And that was the end of the monk
The monk, the monk, the monk,
The monk, the monk, the monk?"


Thanks to Dave Barry's Blog and Fark.


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posted by Harrison at 12:15 PM

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Monday, August 08, 2005


Humpin' the Ole' Gray Lady's Leg

I was over at Cal's place a while ago where I unearthed a link to this story left by Sam, the bloggin' black german shepherd.

Sam was so mad he whizzed off a letter to the NYT. Me, I like to give the Ole' Gray Lady's leg a more thorough humpin'.

UPDATE: I delinked the story only 'cause now the NYT wants ya' to pay to read this. But here it is in its entirety.

Internet's Best Friend (Let Me Count the Ways)
by Sarah Boxer

She's talkin' 'bout fe-lyings!

"On the Web you'll find the Infinite Cat Project but no Infinite Dog. My Cat Hates You is big on the Web, but there is no site named My Dog Hates You. (Dogs Hate Bush exists, but then so does Cats Hate Bush.) As any good Web hound can tell you, Rathergood.com is filled with crazy crooning cats. But where, oh where, are the singing dogs? (New Guinea singing dogs, a real breed, do not count.)"

Well, my kid Hem sings and plays the piano. Any cats out there do that--aside from occasionally walkin' up and down the keyboard just to get on everyone's last nerve? Now I love my kid but I sure as hell wouldn't inflict him on the entire blogosphere. It's bad enough listenin' to him at home. So why does anyone (other than a Demo-cat liberal New York artsy-fartsy style writer) think listenin' to yowlin' fe-lyings is a good thing?

"Cats are the Web's it-animals. They're everywhere. When you look up Devil Cats, you'll see comics about cat owners who love too much and the cats that cheat on them."

And Hillary is the Demo-cat's "it-animal." What do ya' expect a Devil Cat Demo-cat to do except cheat? They do it every time--promise a tax cut--hand out a tax hike.

"Look up Devil Dogs, and you'll be offered apparel for the Marine Corps and information about Drake's cakes."

That makes perfect sense to me. Marines and chocolate cake. What's not to love?

"Under the heading "Animal Antics," ifilm.com has four "Viral Videos" of cats, none of dogs. There are tons of badly drawn cats at www.tiddles.co.uk, but there's no such site for dogs."

Again, what's the news here? I've told ya' before that fe-lyings carry viruses that kill humans, so of course there'd be "Viral Videos" of cats. And, considerin' the material they have to work with, who could draw a decent picture of a cat--'cept maybe Jackson Polecat--er--Pollock?

"Sure, there are dog sites aplenty, including fanciers' sites, funny sites and even an occasional hoax site, like thedogisland.com. But most don't have the buzz of Infinite Cat or Rathergood."

Ya' might wanna' have your hearin' checked. That buzz could be tinnitus.

"Why cats and not dogs?"

There's no accountin' for perverted humans who actually enjoy lookin' at pictures of cats lookin' at computer monitors. All it does is prove fe-lyings are nothin' but narcissistic pussies which everyone already knew. It's not like they can actually see anything, whatever their owners claim.

"Perhaps mycathatesyou.com will provide a clue. This site, founded in 2000, offers what it calls "the largest collection of sour-faced, indignant felines on the Internet." There you can see a squinty-eyed, snaggletoothed cat named Guapo, who appears ready to tear someone's head off. If you posted a picture of a dog as scary as that, no one would laugh. They would send for the dogcatcher."

'Cause they know a canine means serious business when they give ya' a "squinty-eyed, snaggletoothed" look. When a fe-lyin' looks that way, he's just plannin' to hack up a furball on your clean bed.

(Continued in Read the Rest!)


"Now take a look at Litterboxcam.com, where a live camera is trained on the litter boxes of two cats, Grey and Black. Every 60 seconds the image is refreshed. Counting down to zero and waiting for the cats to come into the frame is strangely and annoyingly suspenseful."

Did I use the word "perverted" before? Change that to "seriously sicko." Puttin' a live camera (or three) in a room, hopin' a fe-lyin' will do something cute, like play with a catnip mouse, is one thing. I always figured it was kinda' like you humans givin' a friend one too many drinks just to watch 'em turn into an ass. But to sit around waiting for a cat to crap and find it "strangely and annoyingly suspenseful" tells me you got some serious head shrinker issues. I recommend you make an appointment with one of these guys immediately! They've already dug through the litter pan of pet bloggers, so they're experienced.

"But if you Google poop and dog, you'll be led to a site called smellypoop.com/photogallery.html, which is more disgusting than funny. Or you may find the story of the "dog poop girl," also known as the "puppy poo girl," or in Korean "gae-ttong-nyue," which, believe it or not, is also not funny.

"This is her story. Last month a woman let her dog relieve itself on the subway in Seoul. She was caught, by a cellphone camera, doing nothing about it. Within days, her picture, her identity, her family's identity and her past were revealed to the world on the Web. She quit her university in shame. "The Washington Post" and "The Columbia Journalism Review" weighed in. On Wikipedia there's already a "dog poop girl" entry logged, and a movement to delete it."

AHM's always sayin' "consider the source" when somethin' like that hits the news. Okay--WaPo, Columbia, Wikipedia. I think we all know about their anti-canine bias. Add the NYT and Ms. Sarah Boxer's little screed becomes understandable. And while we're at it, can we discuss that name? Is it real? I doubt it. Probably made it up just to pretend she's a "dog person" at heart. Either that or she's hopin' to catch the notice of Demo-cat Barbara Boxer. Arrrrggghh! Maybe she's a relative! Talk about hackin' up a friggin' hairball...

"Interesting, yes, but not funny. Maybe the difference is that dogs are public, everyone's business. They go on subways and they go in parks. They are always caught in flagrante defecato. Cats stay home. They are private, nobody's business. To watch them in their homes is a privilege. They are perfect for the Web, the medium of voyeurs."

And they should stay nobody's business. Who effin' cares about the "privilege" of watchin' a fe-lyin' poop? 'Cept maybe a bunch of effite, catty, NYT style page writer types.

"For example, go to the "Educational Videos" on zefrank.com, where you can catch the cat named Annie B., also called Mooshie, in 15 different scenarios, including one in which she re-enacts the shower scene in "Psycho." It's special. It's intimate."

It would definitely further my education to see a fe-lyin' play out the shower scene of "Psycho" for real, but it ain't "special," lady. As for "intimate," there's no such word in the fe-lyin' vocabulary. Remember, these are the beings that plop themselves down anywhere they please and start lickin' their butts. Nothin' perks up a Manhattan society dinner party faster than seein' a buffet with that as a centerpiece, let me tell you!

"And another thing: she seems content with her small apartment. Cats are O.K. living in tight places and never going out. They don't mind if their owners spend every waking hour on the Internet."

Fe-lyings have small minds. Much too small to handle the real world. Perfect match.

"Dogs would die if they had to wait for their owners to go off line. And who wants to post pictures of a dead animal? Serious bloggers, the kind who float to the top of Google regularly, just don't have time or space for dogs."

You got that backwards, sister. Dogs are surfin' the 'net right along with their owners--and writin' their own blogs. With the exception of Ferdy, there aren't too many fe-lyings actually bloggin' out there. Starin' at a monitor thinkin' you're seein' yourself doesn't count.

And there's one more thing ya' forgot to mention. Dogs actually work--just like their owners--unlike those Demo-cat welfare pusses. Dogs are busy makin' sure kids and the elderly and the hard of seein' 'n hearin' have full lives. (Not stuck livin' in a cramped little apartment and never goin' out like a fe-lyin'.) Dogs rescue you humans when you get lost or fall overboard or get buried in an earthquakes. They sniff out drugs and, like I told ya' before, they're the best protection you cat people have for findin' bombs.

So. When was the last time you heard of a seeing eye cat? How 'bout a bomb-sniffin' fe-lyin'?

"But can that be the whole story? There's a deeper answer to be had at infinitecat.com, where users post pictures of their cats gazing at pictures of other cats already posted on the Infinite Cat site. You see an infinite regress: pictures of cats looking at pictures of cats looking at pictures of cats."

Effite-snob-sneerin'-major-insult-to-cat-people alert! (And you thought she liked you…)

"Remind you of anything? Those cats are like so many bloggers sitting at home staring into their computer screens and watching other bloggers blog other bloggers. Cats, who live indoors and love to prowl, are the soul of the blogosphere. Dogs would never blog."

So what am I? Chopped liver?



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posted by Harrison at 11:21 PM

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Saturday, August 06, 2005


Eat, Drink, and Be Merry…

Or be from Tennessee. Guess Silly Human Female has been porkin' it up over there. The free food is runnin' out in her town.

"The free food’s not flowing at the [Nashville] Metro Council anymore. The city lawmaking group faces its longest period of time without free dinners since its term commenced in 2003."

'Course all that eatin' has consequences, not that I'd ever have to go to one of these places.

"An animal charity is looking for the UK's fattest pets and plans to send them to fat camp. PDSA is looking for the pets after research suggested owners are overfeeding their animals reports the Mirror.

"The eight chosen pets will be put through their paces on a 100-day challenge on TV by Kevin Adams, star of BBC's Fame Academy. The pet at the end of the show with the greatest proportional weight loss wins their owner a holiday."

So they can eat a bunch of junk, get fat, and have to go to a human fat camp. I think I detect a pattern here…

As for drinkin'… AHM won't let me and now I know why. She's scared of boostin' my brainpower!

"Research by the Australian National University in Canberra suggests drinking in moderation boost your brainpower. But none at all, or too much, can make you a dullard."

Uh… Then again… Drinkin' didn't seem to help these guys.

"Robyn Webb from the Whangarei Native Bird Rescue Centre said the kereru had been eating guava berries, which fermented in their crops, causing them to become intoxicated. This year there hasn't been much food in the forest, so the birds have been coming into town to gorge on the ripe berries here, she told NZPA.

"The problem is they are vulnerable to more predators, like cats and dogs." The centre had fielded many calls from members of the public, who had found "lethargic" kereru sitting on the ground after falling out of trees or bumping into windows while under the influence."

So much for bein' merry. Sounds like they're headed straight for the "tomorrow we shall die," part.


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posted by Harrison at 11:28 AM

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Thursday, August 04, 2005


Rainin' Cats and Dogs

Ya' know local news teams are hurtin' for ratings when they pull out all the "cute" stops. And nothin' is "cuter" than the terrier Radar the Weather Dog--unless it's me, of course. If they had been lookin' for dignified I would've applied myself and spared 'em the cost of educatin' the new kid.

"Radar, a Wheaten terrier mixed-breed adopted from the Houston Humane Society, was 4 months old when he joined Local 2… After a 30-day stay at Rover Oaks Pet Resort, 2550 W. Bellfort, Radar graduated doggie kindergarten as the "best dog on the planet."

Hrumph! Does he have a blog?

"While Radar enjoys his weekdays and nights at Channel 2, [living in a custom-built doghouse with a doggie balcony sure helps] he does love weekend getaways. Either Frank or another of his station "parents" takes care of him at their homes for Saturday and Sunday. Radar is treated to trips to pet parks, the beach, pet stores and much more while away from the station."

When ESPN calls, Radar, let me know. I'll put in a good word for ya'.

WSTM in Syracuse has been workin' on the same idea, 'cept considerin' they're in Demo-cat New York--not Republi-canine Texas--they have to have Doppler the Weather Cat. Check out the pic. They're definitely goin' for the Hillary look.

"It began in the summer of 1996, when a stray cat wandered onto the Weather Deck during our 11pm newscast."

Hey--isn't that how the Clintons got into the White House?

"The cat must have enjoyed the bright lights of TV, because he returned every night after that. Unfortunately, the cat didn't survive very long. He wasn't ours, and got hit by a car on James Street."

Notice how they immediately absolve themselves from any blame even though the fe-lyin' got itself killed outside their station.

"Trying to make something good out of this sad situation, we decided to adopt a cat. We found another orange tabby, but this cat didn't enjoy the glare and glamour of TV… The third adoption proved to be the charm. When he's not 'working,' [Doppler's] our official greeter in the WSTM lobby, or lounging in his custom-decorated room here at 1030 James St."

Maybe Radar and Doppler should face off durin' the next Presidential election debate. Talk about fur flyin'…

Dug up at Dave Barry's Blog.


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posted by Harrison at 8:51 PM

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Monday, August 01, 2005


Kibbles 'n Bits®

Headline of the Year. Makes ya' wonder what those ESPN guys have on their minds…

"The supporters of Young Boys Bern have not had too much to celebrate in the 19 years since their team last won the Swiss [soccer] league title. But this weekend Young Boys sought to shake off their old image by officially opening the 32,000 Stade de Suisse Wankdorf stadium…with an uncharacteristically flashy homecoming party."


So much for the Hound of the Baskervilles. This story certainly seems to prove this theory.

"Residents in East Ogwell, near Newton Abbot, have reported several recent sightings of a panther-like creature prowling the streets. One resident reported seeing "a black feline at least 2ft 6in tall" stalking fields on the edge of the village. However, retired teacher Mike Healy, 66, believes the monster is his 28lb pet cat, Sebastian...

"The mysterious cat - known locally as the Moorland Beast - is part of local folklore in East Ogwell with a number of recent sightings. Mr Healy is convinced the beast is Sebastian - not only because of his astonishing size, but because he has been sighted in fields near his house."


Water…prison…pretty much the same thing to me. But congrats, Jake. Hey, Dogger! Stay on your diet and maybe some day you'll swim the Channel!

"Early Saturday morning, a golden retriever named Jake made history when he jumped from a boat near Alcatraz into the choppy bay and swam 1.2 miles to the San Francisco shoreline.

"He was the only dog among more than 500 swimmers who took part in the South End Rowing Club's 10th annual Alcatraz Invitational. Dog-paddling his way toward the front of the pack, Jake came in 72nd overall, leaving some serious swimmers seriously chagrined. His time was 41 minutes and 45 seconds.


Spongecrab Squarepants

"The sponge crab holds a living sponge on top of its shell to keep hidden,… The odd animals hold onto sponges with their back legs, and are covered in small hairs. They are so good at camouflaging themselves, they are pretty much impossible to spot unless they move.

"If they can't find a suitable sponge to crouch under, the clawed masters of disguise have been known to use bits of rope and even old flip-flops."

Sounds like a Demo-cat tryin' to be a centrist…and looks like Helen Thomas.

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'Scuse me while I toss my Liver Snaps®.


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posted by Harrison at 8:57 PM

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