Name:Harrison Location:United States

The Original Lovable Little Fuzzball

Here's the straight stuff.

The adventures of Harrison are true.
Try a few of his Crunchy Bites for a taste.
--Alpha Human Mom

Tuesday, January 31, 2006


President Bush had 'em rockin' and rollin' in the aisles tonight, complete with a bit of finger-waggin' at the Demo-cats. Bet all that jumpin' up and down was more exercise than those politicos have gotten in a loooong time.

And d'ya' know that, among those sittin' in the First Lady's Box was…

"Technical Sergeant Jamie Dana and Rex, USAF, Smethport, Pennsylvania. Technical Sergeant Dana joined the Air Force in 1998 and is stationed at Peterson Air Force Base outside of Colorado Springs, Colorado. Her dog, Rex, is a 5-year-old German shepherd former working military dog.

"…Dana and Rex trained together for three years before deploying as a team first to Pakistan and then to Iraq. While in Iraq, their assignments included supporting Army personnel by clearing vehicles at checkpoints and searching buildings for booby traps and explosives.

"On June 25, 2005, the pair was riding in a Humvee when a roadside bomb exploded, wounding Technical Sergeant Dana. Later, as she recovered at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, she sought to adopt Rex. A law prohibited the adoption of working dogs before the end of their useful lives, but this prohibition was lifted as a result of the Defense Appropriations Bill that the President signed into law on December 30, 2005, and the Air Force granted her permission to adopt Rex."

A stray fe-lyin' wandered in and was arrested by Capitol police for creatin' a disturbance.

Dug up at
NRO's The Corner
. Also worth reading: "Canines to the Rescue".

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 10:09 PM


Zawahiri Speaks!

"Perhaps I should have been more specific: May God strike down Samuel Alito where he stands, and may he unleash his fury on the Republicans."

Hold on… Ummm…sorry. Little mix up here. That wasn't Zawahiri. It was this guy.

Oh well. Same difference.

Dug up at Michelle Malkin's blog.

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posted by Harrison at 2:36 PM


Monday, January 30, 2006

Startin' the New Year (of the Dog) Right

~Blog Awards~

I dug this up over at Ferdy's place, who, accordin' to those in the know, nominated himself for all five catagories. Accordin' to Bloggin' Out Loud, "[w]hen questioned about the religious angle, [Ferdy] said his ancestors were worshipped in Egypt."

For all his many good points, Ferdy is still…well…a fe-lyin'—with all their accompanyin' handicaps, like, ummmm, bein' a fe-lyin'. If he had really been payin' attention, he would have learned that, while Egyptians might have worshipped cats like gods, canines were a god!

Check it out. And remember--a god is watchin'…

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 7:30 PM


Sunday, January 29, 2006

Kibbles 'n Bits®

This is for all you Silly Humans who think it's cute havin' your fe-lyings leap about like Mexican Jumpin' Beans…

Arsonist pays the price.

"Fire officials are blaming a 20-pound cat for starting a…house fire that caused about $25,000 damage. "The…cat apparently jumped on an electric range in the basement…and turned on the push-button control, said Darrell Christy, the fire department's chief of operations. Plastic containers on top of the range smoldered.

"We eliminated everything except for the cat," Christy said. A smoke detector alerted at least three people in the home, who were not hurt, Christy said. The fire damaged part of the basement and smoke damaged much of the residence, he said. The cat died, likely of smoke inhalation, he said."

…and let them roam like gnomes…

Redneck=1 Fe-lyin'=0

"Ricky Ray James Rogers…allegedly fired a .22-caliber rifle at the cat outside his house,… Residents of [a] nearby…halfway house for men recovering from…addictions, told investigators that Rogers asked them if the cat was theirs after it walked into his yard. When the men said it was not, Rogers allegedly pointed the rifle at the animal and tried three times to shoot it before finally getting the weapon to work. Witnesses said the cat ran off after the man shot it from only two or three feet away. Deputies found the dead cat in bushes nearby.

"Rogers allegedly admitted that he shot the cat. He said he is allergic to animal hair and the [halfway house] residents have several cats and dogs that roam the area.

Serial killers get three names, but cat killers get four. Wh'd'ya' expect from someone named Ricky Ray James Rogers?

Lassie Still on the Job

"In a case of life imitating fiction, a 13-month-old cattle dog named "Lassie" helped to rescue its injured master after he fell from a horse in eastern Australia,… George Crowther, a 90-year-old farmer from Queensland state, broke his pelvis when he was pitched from a bucking horse and his foot became caught in the reins… Crowther's dog, Lassie,…snuggling in next to Crowther to keep him warm.

"When darkness fell, Crowther's wife came searching in the woods with a flashlight,… "The dog ran to her and she said 'Where's George?" Crowther [said]. "And [Lassie] toddled off, leading my wife to where I was. And the rest, of course, is history."

Or a TV movie-of-the-week. Ya' know, we Aussies are a long-lived bunch, but a 90-year-old farmer?!

Maybe you need to buy a more liberal dog

"During a news conference in which Gov. George Pataki sought to take a bite out of crime, a dog bite got the upper hand. At first the ex-hooper joked that his bandaged right hand was the result of a reverse dunk. Under further questioning he allowed that he had tried to break up a fight between his dog and another — apparently unsuccessfully.

"He downplayed the injury and didn't get an anti-rabies shot after the weekend incident at his family home in Garrison, Putnam County. "If I start foaming at the mouth, you'll know I should have had it," Pataki said."

Some of your constituents think you already have.

Six Inches of Green-eyed Monster

"Phil Woodlock and Jacqui Mallin were driven to despair by the barking tantrums of her attention-seeking dog, Bailey the Yorkshire terrier. Despite being a mere six inches tall, the pint-sized pooch laid down the law to Mr Woodlock, a prison governor, preventing him sharing a bed, or even the sofa, with his partner of six years. The situation became so bad that the couple, from Bellshill, North Lanarkshire, resorted to staying in hotels in order to spend an evening together."

Either Bailey is part of the radical, moralistic religious right, or he's jealous he's not gettin' any.

"They finally called in dog training expert, Victoria Stilwell,… She was astonished to find the pampered pooch, who refused to eat dog food from a bowl, was allowed by Ms Mallin and her daughter…to eat from their forks and plates at the dinner table… "There were three in this relationship - and Bailey was the top man." [Mrs. Stilwell said.]…"

Uh huh. Just what I thought. Now here's the real solution to the problem:

"…Bailey's new playmate, 14-week-old Molly, another Yorkshire terrier puppy, soaks up much of his craving for attention."

Get it on, Bailey!

Jackie Gleason fish fights for recognition…

…and if you don't understand that reference, ask your parents or grandparents.

"Humuhumunukunukuapuaa dethroned in Hawaii. The stubby-nosed, brightly striped and slightly aggressive little fish whose name few tourists even try to utter (it's pronounced HOO-moo- HOO-moo-NOO-koo-NOO-koo-AH-poo-AH-ah) is commonly believed to be the state's favorite. The fish figures into tourist trinkets, broadcast commercials and a much-beloved song about a little grass shack…

"Here's a cute little fish. It kind of looks like a pig and it squawks and everything," said Chuck Johnston, editor of Hawaii Fishing News.

Sounds like just the ticket--an all-purpose official fish-animal-bird.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 11:44 AM


Saturday, January 28, 2006


It aint just for reporters any more.

Okay, so the Seattle Seahawks might have a lot goin' for 'em, but original thinkin' isn't part of the mix.

"With the Super Bowl approaching, the Seattle Seahawks' own 12th Man flag caught the attention of Texas A&M fans who watched the Seattle team advance during the NFL playoffs.

"A&M Athletic Director Bill Byrne said the Office of Collegiate Licensing is working on having the Seahawks cease and desist their use of the trademark. "We had similar situations with the Buffalo Bills and the Chicago Bears, and they responded quickly with our requests to stop using our Twelfth Man trademark," Byrne said in his weekly update address. "But Seattle has been slow-rolling us."

"Representatives from the Seahawks would not comment.

"The Aggies' Twelfth Man tradition started in 1922 when E. King Gill, a student not on the football team, suited up and stood on the sidelines of a football game in case his help was needed."


Now if we can just get 'em to stop usin' the idea of wavin' towels as if they were the first team that ever thought of it. Hmmm… Now which city was it that adopted somethin' as silly as whippin' a towel around to cheer on the team? Oh...yeah…it was…

Pittsburgh—as in Steelers!*

Strange I can't find any pictures of the ole' Seahawks' "rally towel" on the net—not even at the Seahawks' own pro shop. The only one out there seems to be this guy sellin' one on e-bay, and he's so worried about people copyin' it, he's got "Picture property of --- ebay seller" plastered all over the place!

"This towel is to depict the "12th Man" which Seattle fans are famous for, it represents us the fans cheering on our team as loud as we can to help our defense by distracting the other team!"

Wonder if he'll get distracted from his game when he gets that "cease and desist" order?

*This is, ironically, the 30th anniversay season of the creation of The Terrible Towel, so it's been around longer than the entire Seahawk franchise! "In 1996 Mr. Cope gave the rights to Myron Cope's Official Terrible Towel to the Allegheny Valley School in Coraopolis, PA. The school provides care for more than 900 children, adults and senior citizens with mental retardation and physical disabilities. Proceeds from the Terrible Towel have helped raise almost $1 million for the school."

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 5:55 PM


Thursday, January 26, 2006

Freedom's Just Another Word For Nothin' Left to Lose

Those fe-lyin' libs yowlin' over the fake "domestic" eavesdroppin' business haven't just jumped the shark, they've hurdled an entire pod of killer whales.

Even among we canines there are those who are Demo-cats in dog's fur, and they're bouncin' around like a Jack Russell on speed, yappin' about all the freedoms we've lost fightin' the War on Terror.

One pseudo-pup chasin' keeps his tail 'bout the NSA listenin' to terrorists' phone conversations—like he never heard of Echelon. Actually he admits he knows about it, but says it was only created to monitor overseas conversations and Bush has gone waaaay off the deep end.

Hmmm… Then I guess Certain Other People didn't use that overseas Echelon program to check for who might be usin' words and phrases like "Monica" or "Bubba the Love Sponge."

What's really weird, though, is neither pseudo-pup nor any of the other yowlin' Demo-cats seem the least bit concerned 'bout gadgets like OnStarTM intrudin' on their privacy. Guess they think an electronic device that tells mysterious powers-that-be where you are every nano-second isn't any loss of freedom.

Get a clue, people! 'Cept for Jews and Christians who can't speak 'bout their faith in public…

…or citizens who can't carry a gun for their own defense…

…or homeowners who lose their houses so a luxury hotel can have the land…

…or Goggle/Yahoo/ AOL trackin' everyone's web browsin'…

…or all those cameras watchin' people doin' their walkin' 'n bankin' 'n shoppin' 'n drivin…

…we haven't lost one single freedom!

On the other paw…

Bubba the Love Sponge?!

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 9:29 PM


Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The Fe-lyinization of Canines

First they decided little boys should learn to play with tea sets and Easy Bake Ovens 'stead of dump trucks and Hot Wheels so they'd be less rough 'n rowdy in school.

Then they decided the All American Man should be some touch-feely, able-to-watch-Chick-Flicks-without-barfin' feminine hybred called a metrosexual.

Now they're goin' after man's (and conservative woman's) best friend—canines. Everyone knows we're the workin' stiffs of animaldom—tough, reliable, willin' to do battle in defense of our humans—and fe-lyings are the consumate Welfare Queens. We're holdin' down the jobs while fe-lyings are all sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll.

Guess that's a challenge to those entitlement liberal types. We're settin' a bad example, so they're gonna' try to change us—make us prissy and whiny and whimpy.

Fido Wants a Poop TentTM to Shelter Him From the Rain and Snow A new pet product gives relief to owners and dogs who hate to go outside in the rain and snow."

Say what? You can't stand getting' your itsy-bitsy-feetsies wet? Well, suck it up Fido. Remember Barry and Balto and Bobby. And notice how the headline writer deliberately used the pronoun "him."

"The Poop TentTM is a water-proof tent which can be popped open right before bad weather strikes."

And popped into the next county right after bad weather strikes.

"This puppy port-a-potty created by Benji Ventures in Alexandria, VA, is hailed by veterinarians as a shelter for sick and injured dogs, as well as dogs who simply don't want to get wet!…

Figures it'd be someone from NOVA (Northern Virginia) creatin' somethin' like this. The rest of us down here would support makin' D.C. a state s'long as they'd promise to take everythin' from Fredricksburg north with 'em.

"Sheryl Fuller, DVM of Sacramento, California, says…"It will benefit dogs that have foot bandages that need to stay dry," she says. "I have changed many bandages prematurely due to the dog getting the bandages wet, thus creating additional medical costs for the owner."

So learn to change the bandages yourself, you stupid left-coast fe-lyin' dog owners. So we're not the most cooperative—like your bratty kid is?—but at least ya' can put a muzzle on us.

"The Poop TentTM is easy to set-up and disassemble. It has an open bottom with cross ventilation through the front door and back window."

Great plannin'. Cross ventilation, eh? Think wind. Think hurricane. Think great big Poop TentTM weather balloon.

What a crock! If we don't watch out, soon they'll be tryin' to get us to poop in a litter pan.

Uh oh

"Almost 3 feet wide and two feet long, dogs can climb up on to this mobile grass potty unit and get their business done without ever stepping out into the cold."

6 sq. ft. of sod only $279.99

'Scuse me while I find a mud puddle to roll in.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 9:16 PM


Monday, January 23, 2006

Super Bowl XL

...is set.

Latte-sippin' computer geeks versus beer-swillin' union thugs.

Should be a good 'un.

Apologies for forgettin' the links!

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 10:28 PM


Sunday, January 22, 2006

Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery


This reminds me of a story Grand Dam Bitch tells when you humans think we're just sprawled on the back steps doin' nothin'.

"A Cornish firefighter has managed to free a kitten stuck up a chimney for five days - by impersonating a dog."

Now before ya' go much further, it should be said veeerry few people can speak canine. AHM does a so-so job, but her accent sucks. 'Course since we all understand English she doesn't have to worry about it. Years ago, however, when Grand Dam Bitch was a mere speck of her current self, AHM exhibited a real talent for speakin' fe-lyin'.

You regulars know 'bout Silly Human Female and Her Cat Dandylion, who looked somethin' like this (the Felyin-ification of Evil) and this, only fatter. 'Bout the only thing that made him actually run was the rattle of cat food in a plastic dish.

One day when AHM was visitin', SHF accidently dropped a coffee cup almost on top of the PigCat. He never missed a bite. He kept chowin' down with the tenacity of a fat man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. AHM finally had to physically pick him up, his jaws still movin', and hold him until the mess could be cleared and a new pile of slop poured into the trough.

SHF thought it was funny—and actually bragged nothin' could budge Dandylion from his meal. Well, that was obvious, considerin' his weight category. AHM, on the other paw, said she could chase him off—by speakin' fe-lyin'.

See, like most fe-lyings, Dandylion thought every bit of food laid out in the place belonged to him. That included human food on the counters and tables. AHM has very strong feelings about findin' long blonde hairs in her spaghetti sauce, but the usual "Get the hell offa' there!" never worked with Mr. I'll-Eat-Anything-Not-Nailed-Down.

One evenin' he was explorin' the dinner table and AHM had just about had enough. She actually growled at him. He froze. That was different. AHM tried it again, addin' a coupla' hisses. His eyes got reeeaal big. Better 'n better. AHM put it all together in a string of growls 'n hisses and tossed in a piercin' yowl or two. Grand Dam Bitch, who was sittin' safely across the room, said she'd never seen anythin' like it. Ole' Dandy's eyes bulged—moreso than they already did, that is—and nearly popped out of his head. He actually backed away from the food.

Then AHM really let loose with what Grand Dam Bitch says was a tour de force of fe-lyin' profanity.

Dandylion, who never moved faster than a slug on cemet, had every hair on his body standin' straight out, and his tail was at least three times its normal size. SHF had just walked into the room to see what all the yellin' was about when he launched himself off the table like a rocket, all four legs runnin' in mid-air. He narrowly missed SHF's head, landed on the wood floor in a long skid, upended a dining chair, knocked over the magazine rack, bounced off two walls, and made it up the stairs in a single bound.

A peacful meal was had by all.

Still, it remained to be seen if AHM could chase him away from his own food on his own placemat.

She could.

Dandylion took to eatin' his meals on the cellar steps behind closed doors. And never again was he seen on a counter or table as long as AHM was around.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 3:28 PM


Friday, January 20, 2006

Run, Run as Fast as You Can!

I heard B. L. said he'd honor a truce s'long as we say "Sorry, Benny Old Bean, we were wrong to invade Iraq and you beat us fair 'n square." Sounds like he's been havin' a liquid lunch with Teddy the K. again, and anyone buyin' that crap is sittin' on the next barstool over.

Naturally there's lots of people out there who think this is a good idea, 'cause it's all Bush's fault, don'ya'know, and if he'd just stop smackin' everyone down we'd all be livin' in harmony. Like these two:

"Gohan and Aochan make strange bedfellows: one's a 3.5-inch dwarf hamster; the other is a yard-long rat snake.

"Zookeepers at Tokyo's Mutsugoro Okoku zoo presented the hamster — whose name is a tasty rice dish in Japanese — to Aochan as a snack in October, after the snake refused to eat frozen mice.

"But instead of indulging, Aochan decided to make friends with the furry rodent, according to keeper Kazuya Yamamoto. The pair have shared a cage since.

Sure, sure. Like frozen mice wouldn't melt in his mouth. Well, let me tell you, that rat snake is up to somethin'. Fat 'n happy Gohan is bein' lulled into a false truce. Just let the little sucker plump up a bit more and Osama—er—Aochan will be takin' the big chomp.

Which reminds me of another famous fictional truce.

"'Run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!'… The gingerbread man laughed and laughed, until he came to a river. 'Oh no!' he cried, 'They will catch me. How can I cross the river?'

"A sly fox came out from behind a tree. 'I can help you cross the river,' said the fox. 'Jump on to my tail and I will swim across.'

'You won't eat me, will you?' said the gingerbread man.

'Of course not,' said the fox. 'I just want to help.'"

You can figure out the rest. Unless you're a Demo-cat, then ya' better follow the link and read the whole story. And Gohan, here's a plan for you. Wouldn't put it off too long…

Gotta' say, though, the kids at the bottom of that picture freak me out.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 7:15 PM


Wednesday, January 18, 2006

The Time Has Come, The Parrot Said…

…To talk of many things.*

There's a moral in this story for all those security leakers, Demo-cats, and media types who are tryin' to break apart the Bush Administration.

"Chris Taylor, a 30-year-old British computer programmer, grew suspicious of his live-in girlfriend when his pet parrot began to imitate her saying, “I love you, Gary.” Ziggy, an 8-year-old African gray parrot, would also make kissing noises whenever the name Gary was mentioned on TV and would mimic Suzy Collins saying, “Hiya, Gary,” every time she answered her mobile phone.

"Confronted with the evidence, Collins admitted to a month-long affair with a coworker named Gary and moved out of their shared Leeds apartment that same night."

So far so good, right? The "whistleblower" triumphed. Well, don't pucker up too fast…

“[I]t really broke my heart to let Ziggy go,” Taylor, 30, told the Times of London in its online edition Tuesday.

Whoa, Nellie…er…Ziggy! Ya' blow the whistle on your pal's cheatin' sweetie and he dumps you as well. That sucks. Just ask Judith Miller.

“I love him to bits and I really miss having him around, but it was torture hearing him repeat that name over and over again."

Yeah… Sorta' like those Demo-cats gettin' tortured by hearin' the name "Cindy Sheehan."

*With apologies to Lewis Carroll.

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posted by Harrison at 8:30 PM


Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Have Vet Will Travel

Okay, so the vet is not my favorite person most of the time. But these vets are takin' care of animals that actually work for a livin'—as opposed to bein', well, fe-lyings…

"More than 780 animals received free medical care recently during a veterinary civil action plan event [in Yemen]. Local veterinarians teamed up with civil affairs team members from Combined Joint Task Force Horn of Africa to treat herds in the villages of Bani Mamoon, Thula and Hababa. Animals were given vitamins and anti-parasitic medication and were checked for any other problems."

So long as they stay waaaay over there with their needles and latex gloves I think they're doin' some great work.

Dug up at Camp Katrina Blog.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 8:42 PM


Sunday, January 15, 2006


You ain't got no stinkin' dynasty!

"Huffing, puffing, sprinting down the sideline, Broncos cornerback Champ Bailey made the interception that put an end to Denver's years of playoff misery and finished off New England's dominating dynasty."

Dynasties aren't four measly years.

Dynasties are the Green Bay Packers who won five championships in seven years, three of them Super Bowls.

Dynasties are the Pittsburgh Steelers who won four Super Bowls in six years, twice back-to-back.

Dynasties are the San Francisco 49ers who won five Super Bowls over 13 years or the Dallas Cowboys who won five Super Bowls over 25 years.

Dynasties are the Kennedy's ruling New England for over 70 years.

Wait a sec…

Okay, now I get it. You guys are just desperate for somethin' to help ya' forget about that last one.

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posted by Harrison at 1:02 PM


Saturday, January 14, 2006

Drivin' Miss Doozie

So we're toolin' up the road on the way home from makin' our weekly tithe to the Great God Wal Mart, and I'm enjoyin' the comfy new dog-paw decorated seat covers AHM installed just for us. (Little dog butts get chilly sittin' on those vinyl weave seats in winter, ya' know. Summer ain't no picnic either.)

Anyway, we got stopped by one of the three gazillion traffic lights along the way, and I shoved my muzzle out the side vent window to check out the rather bedraggled lookin' canine yankin' his human from stunted bush to anemic saplin' 'round the edges of a nearby parkin' lot. I was just about to give him a shout out when AHM said "Don't even think about it!"

Huh? Usually she doesn't mind if I throw out a comment or two on the passin' parade, so I looked around and saw her starin' at a little foreign car gettin' ready to exit from a convenience store across the intersection. Actually she was lookin' at the girl drivin' the car who had one hand clutchin' a cell phone clamped to her ear and the other one wavin' in the air as she talked.

There was plenty of time for her to pull out of the store lot while we were stuck at the light, but the girl was just babblin' and wavin' instead of drivin'. The big ole' pick-up truck next to us revved his engine like he wanted to drag, which was pretty stupid 'cause who in their right mind thinks a little VW Bug is gonna' drag a honkin' great F150 pick-up with three-story tall tires? But he was just getting' ready for the dash to the next intersection, which is a sport in itself 'round here. See, none of the lights along that road are synchronized, so if ya' don't wanna' get caught at the next red light, ya' gotta' blast out of the blocks like a fe-lyin' hearin' a can opener and hope no one cuts ya' off.

Which is where Cell-Phone-Girl comes in. She was still sittin' and yakkin' when the cross-light turned yellow and the pick-up revved again.

Green light!

Pick-Up-Guy won the break by nearly rollin' over the mini which tried to sneak through the intersection with the light on yellow-red, and AHM was second by a length. She was just ready to shift gears when…

…Cell-Phone-Girl lunged out of the parkin' lot right in front of us.

It wasn't really a close call since AHM already figured she was a dumb Cell-Phone-Girl, but considerin' the stupid broad proceeded to putt-putt her way up the road like she was drivin' a pedal car, AHM was pretty close to her back bumper. Pick-Up-Guy almost took off her front bumper tryin' to change lanes. Didn't faze CPG in the least. She kept right on talkin' and wavin', with drivin' comin' in a distant third.

AHM muttered a lot—ya'll know what she was sayin' so I won't repeat it here. Then she started laughin'. That was new. I had just propped myself up on the armrest to stare out the windshield 'n try to figure out what was so funny when AHM said "That takes truth in advertising to a new level." She pointed at CPG's car and read me the vanity license plate: SKNK BUT.

Add the vowel of your choice. AHM chose A 'tho U would work just as well.

It didn't end there.

SKNK BUT wandered into the left lane behind some old car still wearin' fins at the same time Pick-Up Guy got cut off by an SUV. We all got caught at the next red light with SKNK BUT and Pick-Up-Guy now side by side.

If there was any more of a stereotyped redneck than PUG I don't know who it'd be; dirt-caked pick-up lookin' like it just lost the last round of the Monster Truck Rally at the Coliseum; old cowboy hat with the straw brim frayed and crimped and rolled; tattoo on the forearm hangin' out the side window; three-day growth of beard; and jaws relentlessly masticatin' a chaw of tobaccy.

How did we know it was tobaccy? 'Cause he kept leanin' out to spit. And each spit was getting' closer to SKNK BUT's windshield who probably wouldn't have even noticed a big ole' gob of crap 'cause she was still yappin' and wavin'! Then AHM saw his vanity license. EAT MUD.

Did I ever tell ya' vanity plates are cheap here in Virginia?

Green light!

The old car with the fins roared away in a cloud of exhaust smoke rivalin' anything comin' from that Alaskan volcano. The SUV, on the other paw, barely moved, reducin' the line of traffic to a crawl. EAT MUD managed to cut off SKNK BUT again, screechin' up the road in a hail of dried mud clots and tobaccy spit. SKNK BUT hit the brakes without ever abandonin' the phone (which disguised the blare of horns behind her) and left us stuck behind the SUV which had finally managed to reach an average speed of 11 mph.

Then we saw it. The SUV was sportin' a vanity plate too.


Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 4:28 PM


Good Afternoon Mr. & Mrs. North America…

…and all the ships at sea. Stop the RSS Feed! This just in… Lefty liberals finally expose themselves. Deep in their slinky, sneaky, slimely black souls they are (drum roll please) CATS!

"…[George Galloway] began to WRITHE on the living room floor, pretending to be a kitten, purring and moaning like a disturbed mental patient. It got worse, when he started lapping up imaginary milk from the cupped hands of a wrinkly and repulsive hasbeen Rula Lenska."

Video proof here.


Dug up via Instapundit.

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posted by Harrison at 1:09 PM


Thursday, January 12, 2006

Shaggy Dog Story*

Since he already looks and snorts and snuffles and gurgles like an old shaggy dog, I suppose this was to be expected.

"Scholastic,…announced today that it has signed a publishing deal with Senator Edward M. Kennedy to publish his first children's book. A 56-page picture book illustrated by Caldecott-winning artist David Small, My Senator and Me: A Dog's-Eye View of Washington, D.C. is not only a charming pet story, but also engages children in understanding how government works.

Don't we already know Kennedy's vision of how government works?

"The image of Kennedy in person is even more startling when his white dress shirt is soaked with sweat and he is carrying a bag of dog poop.

He's really gotta' stop followin' Diane Finestein around.

…Kennedy is a figure of larger-than-life personality, achievement and baggage who remains at ease with dirty work,…

Considerin' he's been involved in it up to his jowly jowls for most of his life, that's no surprise, is it?

"Kids love animal stories, and they will be captivated by the tale of Senator Kennedy's extraordinary Portuguese Water Dog, and his adventures in Congress!,"…

Anyone remember that Kennedy used to have two Portuguese Water Dogs—Sunny and Splash? Wonder what happened to Sunny? Hope the ole' Senator didn't take her drivin'.

"The Senator's book gives readers a true behind-the-scenes look at a day in the life of a Senator through a dog's-eye view and will help kids learn about the work of our elected officials in a unique and fun way."

Too bad Splash the Water Dog wasn't around at Chappaquiddick in '69 to help Teddy learn about the work of retrievin' people from ponds in a unique and fun way.

*NOUN: A long, drawn-out anecdote ending with an absurd or anticlimactic punch line.

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posted by Harrison at 9:25 PM


Wednesday, January 11, 2006

That's Doctor Harrison To You!

Not just a pretty face…

"Dogs do as well as state-of-the-art screening tests at sniffing out people with lung or breast cancer. The research raises the possibility that trained dogs could detect cancers even earlier and might some day supplement or even replace mammograms and CT scans in the laboratory."

Sniffin', huh? And you thought that stethoscope was cold and clammy…

"The adage that 'a dog is a man's best friend' seems to be true,
especially when it comes to the elderly, for a recent research has revealed that lonely seniors would rather spend some time alone with a dog than with a bunch of people.

"The study of 37 nursing home residents showed that they preferred to receive weekly, 30-minute visits from pooches over other human beings. The residents found a little quiet time with the pooch is a lot nicer than spending time with a dog and other people.

"We had thought that the dog acts as a social lubricant and increases the interaction between the residents. We expected the group dog visits were going to work better, but they didn't,” he said.

"Researchers found that pets reduce loneliness in nursing homes by simply being with people as they give them something to talk about or an experience to share."

Not only that, we don't care if ya' tell us the same story fifty-seven times an hour. We'll listen. We always listen. Bet not too many of those 'other people' do that. They're too busy babblin' about what they think is important, which is usually them and their ideas.

Sorta' like those Demo-cat Senators on TV.

Hmmm… Maybe it's time we Republi-canines started runnin' for office.

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posted by Harrison at 10:20 PM



Regardin' that cat clingin' to an SUV story

"It turns out it was more like 30 miles, a Ford Taurus rather than an SUV and the cat was tucked in an engine compartment rather than hanging onto the bottom of the vehicle."

It was, as they say, fake but accurate.

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posted by Harrison at 9:55 PM


Sunday, January 08, 2006

News in Black and White

Look out Vince Young. This longhorn has moves you've never even dreamed of. She jumped to freedom, flattened fences, slipped tackles by cars, SUVs, trucks, and trains, swam a half-frozen river, and couldn't even be felled by tranqualizer darts.

"Police tried to catch the [black heifer], and had her wedged between a stock trailer and a fence, but the heifer barreled through the fence toward the river, nearly being hit by a Chevrolet Suburban. It was the first of many near-death experiences.

"With the police in pursuit, the cow ran toward the railroad tracks and darted in front of an oncoming locomotive, briefly giving the police the slip again. Crossing another road, the cow was nearly struck by a semi tractor-trailer. "By then it was a madhouse," said police officer Corey Reeves. "People were coming out of the woodwork to see."

"When police, animal control officers and slaughterhouse workers surrounded the cow in a park near the Missouri River, the cow jumped into the icy water. As she swam to the west bank of the river, Reeves said she sank lower in the water and was being swept downstream. But the cow found a sandbar near the river's west bank and walked to shore. "I was totally amazed she was able to swim the river," said Del Morris, the slaughterhouse manager.

"As police scrambled to head off the cow on the other side of the river, a veterinarian with a tranquilizer gun was called. Pursuers again believed they had the cow cornered at a chain link fence, but the heifer ran through a perimeter set up by officials.

"The chase began to slow as the cow ran up against several strong fences. Dr. Jennifer Evans of Big Sky Medical Center shot the cow with a tranquilizer dart. It had little effect. Two darts later, the heifer showed no signs of going down. …[W]orkers created a makeshift pen with metal panels that led to a stock trailer. The heifer walked into the trailer at 11:45 a.m."

No word on whether this power runner will declare herself eligible for the NFL draft, but odds are she'd go higher than Michael Vick.

Alfred Hitchcock's worst nightmare--the Crow Whisperer.

"Every fall, the starlings descended on Decatur like a plague. Screeching and flapping, thousands of birds seized control of the park and dive-bombed residents, who fought back by lobbing firecrackers and blasting them with a propane cannon. Nothing worked until town officials called in [83-year-old] James Soules. …[T]he quiet man said he could beat the birds, but there was a catch: He refused to tell anyone how he would do it. He demanded complete secrecy, warning officials not to spy on him. Soules might have seemed like a swindler, but over the next few weeks something astounding happened. The starlings began to fly away. "I was amazed," said Dan Mendenall, a city official in Decatur. "It was almost like he wished them away."…

His father died in 1987, and Soules now runs the business with occasional help from his oldest son… His memory isn't as good as it once was, and he lately suffered dizzy spells. On a recent night, he fell while looking for birds. "I am too old," said Soules. He has three children, but none are interested in taking over the business. Over the years, a few people have made inquiries about buying him out. But Soules won't sell his secret to just anyone. It would have to be someone willing to work hard. "Someone who would take it over and expand it," he said.

Don't suppose they'd wanna' hire this fe-lyin' instead.

"A rabies alert was issued in an Orange County, Fla., community after a cat making a strange screaming sound attacked at least 15 people and two dogs in a neighborhood.

"Officials said an apartment tenant brought a stray black and white cat into the Cricket Club apartments and then gave it to some friends to watch at a home just north of Rio Pinar. During the stay, the cat became agitated and escaped into the neighborhood,… As it ran through the community, it bit or scratched about 15 people and several dogs,…

"The cat came up from behind us and was screaming," cat attack victim Adam Maul said. "I mean I've never heard a cat scream so loud. The cat ran out from underneath the car and bit me in my ankle."… Maul said the cat also jumped his dogs and bit them."

Geeze. That sure gives new meanin' to the expression "screamin' meemies."

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posted by Harrison at 11:15 AM


Thursday, January 05, 2006


Well this little tidbit explains a lot…

"Researchers discovered tiny magnetic particles of metal on the "wrists" of cats' fore and hind paws. These particles can be seen through a scanning electronic microscope only. Researchers from the Natural History Museum in Stockholm also discovered magnetic "bracelets" on legs of cats and other animals that are capable of finding a way back home rather easily (dogs for instance)."

No wonder cats and dogs fight like…well…cats 'n dogs. It's like tryin' to match the same ends of magnets. 'Course if those magnets are supposed to mesh with the magnetic stuff on earth to help fe-lyings and canines find their way home, how did this lamebrain get lost in a box?

Animal magnitism can be dangerous, tho', considerin' it can adhere a cat to an SUV.

"Curiosity didn't kill one cat on a wild ride on the New Jersey Turnpike. The kitten,…hitchhiked a ride on the underbelly of a sport utility vehicle just before Christmas. The gray and white feline traveled some 70 miles under the vehicle as it whizzed along the Turnpike on Dec. 23…

"The SUV's driver was traveling from Newark to Cherry Hill and didn't know she was giving the kitten a ride until another motorist saw the tabby through a wheel well and flagged the driver over near Interchange 4 in Mount Laurel.

"…[T]he cat probably climbed into the guts of the SUV in Newark and was asleep when the journey began. Somehow, the cat avoided being mangled by fan blades and other moving parts as he clung to the car for the ride."

Guess I better not discuss the fe-lyin' who was magnetically attracted to the exhaust pipe of AHM's car…

Yeah, cats can be pretty dumb. 'Specially those like this fe-lyin' Einstein who can't find his way down out of friggin' tree?!

"A cat stuck in a tree is searching for a way to get back on solid ground. Sabrina Elliott says her cat, Bijou, was frightened by a neighbor's dog and ran up a tree on Wednesday morning. Since that time, the cat has been climbing further up the tree.

"The cat's owner called the Wilmington Fire Department looking for help. They said they couldn't help because of liability issues. Bijou's owner began fashioning her own devices to rescue the cat, but so far has been unable to lure it out of the tree. Elliot is hoping someone with a large ladder will offer some help."

A large metal ladder should do the trick.

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posted by Harrison at 11:12 PM


Monday, January 02, 2006

Okay, Sucker! Who Stole My Opposable Thumbs?

While discussin' the cloned dog scam in Korea, Wonderdog Cal asked: "And why are cats...easier to clone than dogs? Could it be that dogs are more complex genetically?"

Well, dogs are people too, ya' know.

"The genetic makeup of the dog…has been deciphered and should help identify genes that make both dogs and people vulnerable to cancers, heart disease, diabetes, epilepsy, blindness, deafness and even some psychiatric disorders, scientists said Wednesday.

"Dog DNA is already teaching several lessons about human DNA. For one thing, comparisons between DNA of dogs, humans and mice revealed elaborate controls on the activity of certain human genes active in early development,…

Notice fe-lyings are not included in that list.

"The three-way comparisons also showed that some genetic features found in humans but not mice aren't really unique to people, but also appear in dogs,…

"Researchers also estimated that dogs have 19,300 genes, almost all of them canine versions of genes found in people."

So I guess the answer, Cal, is yes…the fe-lyin' is simple and easy to copy. Certainly not a so-called "superior life form." And not worth ruinin' your Xerox machine tryin' to duplicate. (I've noticed you humans like copyin' things weird things like butts and boobs, though, so someone will probably try.)

The canine, on the other paw, is virtually human.

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posted by Harrison at 3:28 PM


Sunday, January 01, 2006

My Year and Welcome to It

Sorry Ferdy. Tough luck Tig'nGracie. Maybe next year, NardoPiperFrisky. This is MY YEAR!

2006. The Year of the Dog.

Legend has it that people born in the Year of the Dog in 2006 are Firedogs. “Fire Dogs are natural leaders. Fire Dogs are popular, charismatic people, always surrounded by a group of admirers. Not only admired for their vibrant personalities, these Dogs also possess a sexual attractive- ness that makes them irresistible. These people are adventurous and vivacious, yet, honest and openhearted. However, because they are so active, they are generally
not the settle down type.

Oh yeah!

Dug up at Big Paws.

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posted by Harrison at 10:48 AM



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posted by Harrison at 12:00 AM