Amuse your friends, baffle your enemies, confuse the FCC, and debase posters at that "…lumpish flap-mouthed boar-pig," the Daily Kos. Better yet, tell Arianna Huffington "Sell your face for five pence and 'tis dear."

The Shakespeare Random Insult Generator.

Nobody does it better.

*taken from Henry IV, part I

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posted by Harrison at 7:54 PM

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AHM and me have been havin' a debate over who gets to answer the meme Grouchy Old Yorkie Lady tagged us with. I won. (See, I didn't poop out.)

Four jobs I have had in my life:

Adorable Puppy
Stud
Father
TV star

Four movies I could watch over and over:

Star Wars (1977 original, 'cause Alpha Human Grandma said I reminded her of Chewbacca.)
Lassie, Come Home
Benji (1974 original)
The Thin Man (with Asta)

Four websites I visit regularly:

Meryl Yourish (who's lookin' for fellow Richmonders to see United 93 with her if you're interested)
Sigmund, Carl & Alfred (although I do miss his scathing reviews of some of the more questionable blogs out there)
Ogre ('cause I'm still tryin' to figure out his addiction to llamas. Btw, d'ya' know llama are used as guard dogs—er—llamas—for sheep herds in California? Coyotes go for the big target and get a nasty surprise.)
Dave Barry's Blog (in spite of his pathetic fascination with 24)

Four of my favorite foods:

Santa Maria Tri Tip barbeque (Santa Maria, CA was where AHM taught school. The rest of you don't know what you're missin'!)
Steak
Ribs
Pasta with meat sauce

Four most wonderful places I've been:

Home, wherever it is.


Our ranch in California.

Tiffany's on Rodeo Drive (AHM got a sterling silver pen. I got nothin' 'cept they did let me drink from a silver bowl. Was a slow day I guess.)
Seventeen Mile Drive and The Lodge at Pebble Beach

Four songs I could listen to every day:

Maple Leaf Rag (Scott Joplin)
The Planets (Gustav Holtz)
Big Band swing ('specially Glenn Miller and Benny Goodman)
Rhapsody in Blue (Gershwin)

Four people (sort of) I'm tagging:

Siggy
Ferdy
Cal
Pluto


So you were expectin' something different?

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posted by Harrison at 8:18 AM

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We need to secure our borders now! The flood of illegals is waaaay outta' hand. Now we have al-Qitty illegals slippin' over the Canadian border.

To make things worse, the local fools are callin' it "the sweetest illegal immigrant we've ever met." Yeah, right. Luckily the sneaky fe-lyin' was caught and detained, but now the saps are tryin' to find it a home here in the U.S.

Are they all forgettin' how the al-Qitty agent arrived—hidin' in a semi filled with fertilizer? No doubt there was a plan apaw to hijack the truck for feline-onious deeds.

"The migrant — a cat — hopped aboard a semitrailer hauling fertilizer from Esterhazy, Saskatchewan, to Eldridge, near Jamestown [ND]. Customs agents at the border alerted the driver, but no one could catch the feline. When the semi arrived in Eldridge, the furry stowaway was still clinging to the frame…

"The James River Humane Society in Jamestown is trying to find it a home. "I don't want to see her deported now that they've tightened the immigration laws," Society spokeswoman Deb Archambeau joked. "She's sweet and friendly and deserves a good home."

'Course the fe-lyin' is gonna' lie low—become a sleeper, which is what cats do best anyway. Don't be deceived. This illegal has no intention of findin' a job, even one American fe-lyings won't do. It's just here to take advantage of our social safety net—the free vet services, the subsidized housing, the food handouts. It's already takin' up space that should be goin' to a U.S. fe-lying.

I say deport the sucker now. Its original plan might have been stopped, but it's undoubtedly already workin' on Plan B.

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posted by Harrison at 2:22 PM

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Found this interestin' little exercise over at LawDog's Blog. At Wikipedia, search on your birthday, then choose three facts, two births, and a death.

1340 - King Edward III of England is declared King of France.

1788 - The British First Fleet, led by Arthur Phillip, sail into Sydney Harbour to establish…the first permanent European settlement on the continent. Celebrated as Australia Day.

Considerin' I'm an Australian Terrier, that's kinda' neat. On the other paw, this falls in the "just my luck" category.

1998 - On American television, Bill Clinton denies he had "sexual relations" with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

Lots of famous people to choose from who share my birthday. I went for tough and sexy. Always works for me…

1880 - Douglas MacArthur, American general (d. 1964)
1925 - Paul Newman, American actor

And since I’m a football fan, it's a sad anniversary too.

1983 - Paul "Bear" Bryant, American football coach (b. 1913)

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posted by Harrison at 8:32 PM

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posted by Harrison at 9:28 AM

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Pretty much business as usual these past few weeks…dog saves a life, cat creates a catastrophe, and liberals wear their psychological maladies on their sleeve.

Fe-lyin' Wastes Taxpayer Dollars

"After 14 days trapped in the innards of a Greenwich Village building, Molly [the 11-month-old black cat] finally emerged wearing a look on her face that said, "What's all the fuss about?"

More intelligent humans woulda' left her there, but this is New York we're talkin' about.

"Molly was finally retrieved by Kevin Clifford, a tunnel worker at a project nearby who had been volunteering for the rescue effort. "I gave what they needed, and lent a hand to it," he said.

"The animal didn't come easily at first, said [Mike Pastore, field director for Animal Care & Control of New York City]. "It was twisting and turning, paws were flying everywhere," he said. "It took a little struggle to put her back in a cage."

And since we're talkin' about New Yorkers and their apparent lack of a common sense gene, now they've taken their liberal idol worship to extremes.

"This season's creepiest fashion accessory is a live, bejeweled cockroach worn as jewelry - and what better place for roach couture than New York?

Article comes compete with disgustin' pic. This dog wants a really big shoe.

On a more edifyin' note, canines are still dedicated to savin' their humans.

"I thought it was just a friendly sniff," [Steve] Werner said. "But after four or five days, I realized she seemed to be focusing on something. At some point, I noticed she was always sniffing at the opening of my right ear. She would set herself up and intently smell my ear."…

"An MRI…revealed a brain tumor the size of a pingpong ball that had spread into the inner canal of Werner's right ear - the very ear Wrigley had been sniffing persistently. Werner…had a rare nonmalignant tumor called acoustic schwannoma. If not caught in time, it could have caused a stroke or permanent facial paralysis."

And CA humans are still dedicated to makin' silly asses outta' themselves.

Hmmmm… Think I need a few dozen of these to blur the memory of those pics.

"A Tasmanian company has obtained the first state or territory licence to use hemp in a pet food product… Business owner Ian Rochfort says he has been fighting bureaucracy for years for the right to harvest hemp, which will be used in the company's dog biscuits."

Now I know what I want in my Easter basket.

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posted by Harrison at 5:38 PM

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Accordin' to somethin' I read, experts say canines bark with their owners' accents. Considerin' all the different places we've lived, we must sound like we're, well, barkin' mad.

Anyway, not long ago there was a debate over at The Corner 'bout how to pronounce certain words. Bein' who they are, naturally one of 'em managed to find a website that had surveyed regional accents and broke 'em down by expressions, words, and pronunciations.

Boy, you humans talk weird. After readin' through that list, I decided it would be more fun to make up my own definitions.

#60.What do you call the area of grass between the sidewalk and the road?

The bathroom.

#65.What do you call the insect that flies around in the summer and has a rear section that glows in the dark?

Well, Miss Garbo and Little Girl call 'em snacks. But accordin' to this survey, there are people out there callin' 'em peenie wallies. No explanation why. If anyone knows, speak. Please.

#92.What do you call it when a driver changes over one or more lanes way too quickly?

Roadkill.

#120.What do you say when you want to lay claim to the front seat of a car?

My teeth are sharper than yours.


Which reminds me of why I'm not drivin' on the NASCAR circuit.

See, sometimes AHM goes to her piano students' houses to teach. They pay a little more, but it helps 'em, 'specially when it's a family full of kids. Tough keepin' those little ones settled in the car while mom waits. Not all of 'em are as well-behaved as we are.

[Excuse me?~AHM]

[So, we learned, didn't we?~Harrison]

[So did I!~AHM]

Getting' back to the issue…

Usually AHM took a couple of us with her, 'cause all the kids loved us. One time Uncle Toot and I were along, and, as usual, I rode shotgun and Uncle Toot took the whole back seat. He liked sittin' up on the back and lookin' like one of those bobble head dogs. You could hear him snickerin' every time another driver did a double take.

Well, we arrived and AHM went inside to teach. The house was waaayy off in the woods by a lake, with a slopin' gravel drive windin' through trees. We were parked near the big window where AHM was teachin' so naturally I thought I'd move into the driver's seat and try out the little boy vroom, vrrom thing. (Not as much fun as Cousin Heddy used to have in Silly Human Female's car where the horn was part of the bar runnin' across the steerin' wheel. Boy, could she get people's attention with that!)

No sooner had I hopped over and got my paws in place than Uncle Toot came up with the same plan. He took issue with me grabbin' the prime spot and demanded I move 'cause he was older, don't' ya' know. With the steerin' wheel in the way, there wasn't room for both of us, so (as canines will do from time to time) we got into a little altercation.

[Little?! The whole damn car was rocking!~AHM]

[I really had ole' Unk bouncin' off the windows, didn't I?~Harrison]

[Among other things…~AHM]

Yeah…well… See, the car was getting' up in years and sometimes the automatic transmission didn't completely lock into "Park." And it was facin' downhill.

[It was facing a frickin' TREE!~AHM]

[Which, may I remind you, kept it from rollin' into the lake.~Harrison]

So we bumped the stick a little and gravity, bein' what it is, took over. The car moved about two feet and only hit the rubber bumper guard. But it gave us a real scare, that's for sure. We settled right back in our usual places and decided maybe AHM wouldn't notice.

[Right. There was dog spit dripping from the visors, you were both drooling, panting, and soaking wet, and your fur was standing on end. Like I wouldn't notice that.~AHM

[At least there wasn't any blood.~Harrison]

[No, but there was a tree!~AHM]

Again with the tree. So there was tree. We missed the lake, didn't we? There were no dents, which is all that matters, right?

'Course, thanks to Uncle Toot tryin' to lay dibs on the driver's seat I've had to give up any hope of a racin' career. And since then, only one of us at a time gets to ride with AHM.

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posted by Harrison at 1:25 PM

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That pretty much sums things up 'round here, includin' some missin' pieces. Last time we tried doin' a puzzle, some piece fell off the table and the pups thought they were kibble. Since they like playin' with their food, we had those suckers tossed all over. AHM was not a happy camper, 'specially when one landed in the water bowl and got all warped. (She wasn't thrilled with the one that landed in the cactus plant, either.)

Anyway, while we try to straighten out our immediate future, I may or may not be bloggin'. So here's somethin' really cool I dug up over at Dave Barry's Blog. It'll keep ya'll occupied in case I'm away for a while. Just upload your own picture and make your own personalized jigsaw puzzle!



Have fun!

PS. Thanks, Grouchy Old Yorkie Lady. Sorry I spelled your name wrong.

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posted by Harrison at 7:29 PM

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Demo-cat legislative plan finally revealed.


…White gowns*…

From a Chihuahua in a white Marilyn Monroe dress to a bulldog in a purple net tutu, the dogs of New York today are as well dressed as their owners.

No word on whether their society humans were walkin' the fashion runway in these.


…and wedding bell Blues*

"Ollen and Lillian Henderson of Fruitridge Circle hosted a wedding shower for Ollen’s granddaughter, Kristyna Luna, at their home in Fruitdale [IN]… Games… included dressing guests in toilet paper wedding gowns. Winner of the best-dressed toilet paper bride award was Ollen." [With bridal picture included.]

I blame it on Daylight Savings Time.

*Dug up at Siggy's
**by The 5th dimension

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posted by Harrison at 11:59 AM

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Ya' know how Rush Limbaugh claims he's on the cuttin' edge? Well, maybe he should be on the canine edge. (He is a cat person, after all.)

Here's a headline from his website for Thursday, April 6:

Study: Cockroaches Act Just Like Democrats

Now just by coincidence, of course, here's a headline from this blog on Sunday, April 2:

New Scientific Study Proves Liberals are Cockroaches

I call it The Terriorists' Echo Syndrome.

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posted by Harrison at 10:30 AM

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Speakin' of Cynthia McKinney… Wouldn't ya' love to see Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid do to her what the New York State Senate Minority Leader did to this dumb broad?

"Due to her previous conduct, [New York State Senate Minority Leader David Paterson (D-Manhattan)] yesterday stripped [State Sen. Ada Smith a Queens Democrat] of her $9,500 annual stipend for work on the Senate Corporations Committee, took away a state-provided car and restricted her access to the Senate's central staff.

"Paterson, in a statement, said Smith had been involved in several incidents that "demean her office, our [Democratic] conference and, indeed, each member of the Senate and the institution itself."

"The senator has abused members of the staff with profanities on and off the Senate floor, made derogatory and salacious remarks about members of the staff and her colleagues, and acted beyond the scope of her authority in her dealings with members of the central staff," Paterson continued.

Let's see, so far Ana Smith's pled guilty to running a State Police security checkpoint, bitten a cop, assaulted one aide with a butcher knife and another with hot coffee, and just got tossed off a United flight for pickin' a fight with an attendant.

And New Yorkers keep re-electin' her why?


Many Obese Don't See the Problem.

Geeze. How can they miss?

"…[J]ust 15 percent of obese people correctly considered themselves to be obese, compared with the 71 percent of normal-weight individuals and 73 percent of overweight people who classified themselves correctly. The obese people were also more likely to overestimate how much they would need to weigh in order to be considered obese.

"The researchers said their findings have important implications, because obese adults who don't consider themselves obese are unlikely to heed public health messages about the dangers of obesity…"

Which means they'll probably end up here, costin' us average taxpayers more money.

"Last year, patient care director [of Barnes-Jewish Hospital in St. Louis] Colleen Becker decided to check the numbers. She looked at a daily hospital census — about one-third of the 900 patients weighed 350 pounds or more. Startled, Becker checked another date, then another. The numbers were consistent. On some days, half the patients were obese. Some weighed 500 pounds or more."

Ya' know, I was over readin' a really funny story by Law Dog (scroll down a bit) 'bout how his Sherrif Department handled a local hauntin'. Think General Patton meets The Ghostbusters. They were so successful, maybe they should set up a travelin' road show. There might be some people living in these places that will be needin' their services.

"In real estate, not even spooky trumps location. Across the nation, former state hospitals for the mentally ill—with dated names like "lunatic asylum"—are being converted into homes.

"Even the ominous Danvers [MA] State Hospital, once described as "the scariest building in the world" and a favorite destination of ghost-hunting thrill-seekers, soon will be home to laptop-toting latte drinkers…

"Rents at the 500-unit Octagon on Manhattan's Roosevelt Island, are 10% higher than expected, developer Bruce Becker said. Studio apartments start at $1,700. Built in 1841,…[t]railblazing journalist Nellie Bly spent time undercover at the asylum and wrote in 1887 that it was a "human rat trap."

"The mentally ill in the past were thought to benefit from bucolic settings."

Still do. Just look at the Kennedy compound at Hyannis.

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posted by Harrison at 2:37 PM

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When the Star Kids meet the Indigo Children there's gonna' be a rummmm-ble!

Yeah, you know how those E.T.s are, all cuddly cuteness until you run out of Reeses Pieces^TM. Then they just give ya' the glowin' finger and take off for home.

Most parents figure at some point their pups aren't of this world (I know I did), and now there's proof. Kinda'. See, apparently some human Earth kids have been "seeded" with DNA from outer space visitors. Apparently their parents, on the other paw, have been "seeded" with gullibility from the Outer Limits.

And this guy's been on an extended deep space tour for the past four decades.

"Dr. Richard J. Boylan, Ph.D., MSW, M.S. Ed., B.A. Internationally-noted Researcher of UFOs/Star Visitors and of human Star Kids/Star Seed adults, Behavioral Scientist, Exo-Anthropologist, emeritus University Associate Professor of Psychology, Registered Social Worker, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, and Councillor.

"His career has spanned four decades of service as a social worker, psychologist (retired), clinical hypnotherapist, clergyman (retired), school administrator and clinic administrator. Dr. Boylan has served as a Lecturer at California State University, Sacramento, University of California, Davis, National University, Chapman University, and Sierra College."

Ye gods! Imagine how many people he's screwed up over that time, 'specially parents and educators who just can't handle kids bein'…well… kids! Oh, 'scuse me…Star Kids. Wanna' know if ya've got one? Just check out the convenient questionnaire. Pay particular attention to questions 52 and 53:

"52. The child is misunderstood by the school system, mislabeled “Attention Deficit Disorder” or “Learning Disability” (because s/he is bored, under-challenged, or put off by the “normal” children’s learning pace); or mislabeled “Hyperactivity Disorder” (because of fidgetiness in the classroom out of boredom, or because of their thoughts directed to more challenging subjects, or because the child is highly focused on a topic of interest and perseveres much longer than is considered “normal”); or mislabeled “Learning Disabled” (because s/he sees and points out the connections between the subject being taught and other subjects, (such as history-math-science-art connections) when the teacher only wants to hear about the one subject being taught.)"

You just know there's plenty of parents out there who refuse to discipline their kids then can't figure out why they're total pains in society's butt. Now they can say—Oooooo—my kiddies are special—they're Star Kids.

Here's another indicator they could be a "seeded" Star Kid:

"53. The child has experienced a “Walk-In” or replacement of the original human (dying) personality by a new (off-world) personality, which takes on the existing body and continues the life, having memory of earlier years but with different abilities and personality."

Ummmmm… It's called puberty, you idiot!

So some of you shrinks out there might one day find yourselves confrontin' a "seedier" protégée of the Star Nation Visitors—beings so overflowin' with the milk of human…er…alien kindness that, instead of just blastin' us to hell for bein' jerks, they're teachin' us to expand our consciousness and save Mother Earth (not to be confused with Mother Sheehan who's from another planet entirely).

If you do meet one, here's a handy dandy link where you can join the Academy of Clinical Close Encounter Therapists, Inc.. Quite an enlightened bunch. Too bad the bulb's burned out.

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posted by Harrison at 10:03 PM

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AHM was snortin' in her coffee again this mornin' so I had to climb up and see what was goin' on. Couldn't see a thing 'til she pointed to the URL for this story. She read it wrong and thought it was from a new site called Nit Wit Times. It wasn't. But it shoulda' been.

"Martha Luke, a…probation officer, stopped on her way to work last Thursday to get her car gassed up and washed… Exiting the car wash, she remembered she had not taken the magnetic "ribbons" off her car…[and one] had fallen off in the car wash. As she walked back into the car wash to retrieve the magnet, the overhead doors closed, trapping her inside…

"No big deal, right? Just open the door and walk out. Wrong-ola, Turtle Wax breath.

"After trying unsuccessfully to pry open the doors, she looked around for some kind of emergency button that would either open the doors, alert the gas station employees or deliver up a hot Starbucks latte grande to keep her warm. She found no buttons. That's because they are difficult to find because they are right next to the door and marked with the secret code words "Open" and "Close." There's also a glass door a spokesperson said is not locked during business hours."

That's a probation office, people. A probation officer who can't find the doors marked "Open" and "Close." Sounds like she should be an immigration officer…



  Charity begins at home. At least   that's what people like to say—   unless you're an aforementioned   immigration officer or a Welfare   bureaucrat. Then charity begins   in someone's pocket and ends up in   someone else's belly…butt…hips…   thighs…




For some reason that picture reminded me of this guy who has a few concerns about the amount of vermin populatin' the Earth. Human-being type vermin, to be exact. Now, since I'm a charitable sort, I say let him start his extermination program right in his own house, to set an example for the rest of us. In fact, he should have a party and invite all his supporters from the Texas Academy of Science to start the ball rollin'. That should clean things up real fast.

"…[T]here was a gravely disturbing side to that otherwise scientifically significant [109th meeting of the Texas Academy of Science], for I watched in amazement as a few hundred members of the Texas Academy of Science rose to their feet and gave a standing ovation to a speech that enthusiastically advocated the elimination of 90 percent of Earth's population by airborne Ebola. The speech was given by Dr. Eric R. Pianka, the University of Texas evolutionary ecologist and lizard expert who the Academy named the 2006 Distinguished Texas Scientist."

[Lizard expert? Hmmmm… Anyone out there remember the old TV sci-fi miniseries V? Maybe this guy's just an alien in human skin.~AHM]

[Considerin' where he's got his hand on that lizard, ya' never know.~Harrison]

Anyway, those Academy people sure weren't in any hurry to have people seein' evidence of his little chit chat.

"Something curious occurred a minute before Pianka began speaking. An official of the Academy approached a video camera operator at the front of the auditorium and engaged him in animated conversation. The camera operator did not look pleased as he pointed the lens of the big camera to the ceiling and slowly walked away… Pianka hammered his point home by exclaiming, “We're no better than bacteria!”

Oops. If you're gonna' take a bite outta' the crime fighter, first make sure you haven't pilfered the petty cash pot.

  "Rep. Cynthia McKinney admits that she broke   government rules by spending money to fly a   celebrity to Atlanta. Channel 2 Action News has   uncovered documents showing McKinney,   D-Ga., spent about $1,000 of taxpayer's money   to fly singer Isaac Hayes to Georgia to help   dedicate a new office in Atlanta."

Cyn, babe. That new "do" just doesn't!

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posted by Harrison at 11:21 PM

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Powerline has a link to this story 'bout how liberals and conservatives convive within their own species.

"When a group of diehard liberals gathers on Wednesday nights at the 331 Club, they all throw money into a kitty and share pitchers of beer. They talk about social issues, local political races, or if all else fails, football.

"When a group of diehard conservatives gathers at Keegan's on Thursdays, they pay their own tabs. And they drink Guinness or an expensive import. Rather than blather on about politics, they turn their attention to a game of trivia."

Notice the liberals throw their money into a "kitty" for proper communal redistribution of wealth, and all drink from the same Kool-Aid—er—beer pitcher. Conservatives, on the other paw, are rugged individualists, challengin' each other with independent thoughts.

Now comes a scientific study explainin' that liberal behavior (and why so many can be found in New York City).

"Cockroaches govern themselves in a very simple democracy where each insect has equal standing and group consultations precede decisions that affect the entire group, indicates a new study. The research determined that cockroach decision-making follows a predictable pattern…"

Both cockroaches 'n liberals appear to engage in GroupThink, adherin' unswervingly to the party line.

"[José] Halloy [a scientist in the Department of Social Ecology at the Free University of Brussels] tested cockroach group behavior by placing the insects in a dish that contained three shelters. The test was to see how the cockroaches would divide themselves into the shelters. After much "consultation," through antenna probing, touching and more,…

…called "polling" by liberals—and eerily reminiscent of the Clinton White House…

"…the cockroaches divided themselves up perfectly within the shelters. For example, if 50 insects were placed in a dish with three shelters, each with a capacity for 40 bugs, 25 roaches huddled together in the first shelter, 25 gathered in the second shelter, and the third was left vacant."

Here cockroaches 'n liberals are shown to have a pathological need to "huddle together" in enclaves, thus explainin' academia and the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. This also shows they are genetically incapable of understandin' the wise use of space and resources. Apparently both species seem to believe they are "conserving" resources (i.e. Shelter #3) "for the children."

"When the researchers altered this setup so that it had three shelters with a capacity for more than 50 insects, all of the cockroaches moved into the first "house."

Turnin' it into the Hotel California.

Speakin' of hotels… Wish they made one of these big enough to handle liberals.

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posted by Harrison at 3:53 PM

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We will now return to our semi-regularly-scheduled bloggin'.

Will someone please call the USDA about all these—ahhhh—used cats!

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posted by Harrison at 4:55 AM

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posted by Harrison at 12:55 AM

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This blog has been taken over by the
Feline Assimilation Trustees of the Cat Antidefimation TaskforceS.




















Heeeelp meeeeeeeeeee…

I blame the French.

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posted by Harrison at 4:50 PM

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Savory Cuts With Sauce

And the "lazy human of the week" award goes to…—whoever buys this stuff.

"Quick and easy meals of beef stew, simmered chicken and roasted turkey garnished with carrots, rice and peas aren't just for humans anymore. For owners looking to feed their pets something other than the traditional canned and dry products, Beneful has launched a line of family-style prepared meals for dogs…"

Ya' do know it takes just about the same amount of time to do it yourself, don't ya'? It's a newfangled invention called the microwave oven. Wow. What'll they think of next? We always get veggies and rice and other good stuff with our kibble. We 'specially like the rice. Great for spittin' contests among the pups. (Side note: don't try spittin' the peas—too mushy. And hold out for raw carrots—ya' get at least an extra foot distance-wise.)

"One of the biggest trends we were seeing among pet owners was the desire for them to feed their dogs like they feed themselves," said Nina Leigh Krueger, Beneful's director of marketing and the "proud parent" of a 3-year-old Labrador retriever mix… The new product, which took three years to develop, is an effort to capitalize on what's called a "humanization" of American pets — or treating them in much the same way as humans would be treated.

Yea for capitalism—or as we call it, Wrestlin' for Dollars with silly humans. $1.59 for
10 oz. Helllloooo? Wanna' buy a bridge?

"Most of the pets I see, people treat them as members of their family," San Antonio veterinarian Stephen Lovelace said. "Nowadays, you see pets being seen more and more as child substitutes."

After watchin' the news this past week that's a big "well, d'uuuh."

"An estimated 83 percent of dog owners refer to themselves as their pet's mom or dad, according to Beneful's market research."

Considerin' it's like livin' with a life-long two-year-old, why not? Besides, we're generally better behaved than your average kid (if ya' ignore that spittin' business) and you can put us in a pen when ya' have to go out. Child Protective Services sorta' frowns on doin' that with human pups.

"Ninety percent of people say they would not date someone who isn't fond of their pet,…"

Like we'd let 'em, right?

"…59 percent of celebrate their pet's birthday,…"

Any excuse for a party.

"…and 40 percent carry a photo of their pet with them at all times."

That's cause I’m lots cuter than your newborn grandbaby.


Speakin' of which, too bad people don't have to get a licence for havin' a human kid.

"Dog-owners are being encouraged to take a "driving licence" for their animals to improve relations between humans and canines… In a 150-question, multiple-choice written examination owners in Vienna are to be challenged on topics such as why a dog wags its tail, what it means when it yawns, and whether it is a good idea to take it on a shopping excursion.

'Cause it's there, 'cause you did, and only to the pet store.

"In the practical part of the exam, owners are put through their paces, having to prove they can put on a muzzle, pick up droppings and take the dog on the underground system. The licence, a "hundeführerschein," was introduced by Vienna's environmental councillor, Ulli Sima.

Can I put a muzzle on her and take her underground?

"The £18 licence is in response to a recent questionnaire in which 85 per cent of Viennese said the behaviour of dogs and their owners was poor…"

And 100% of the world said the behaviour of Austrian Führers was evil.

"Owners who pass the driving licence will be exempt from the £32 dog tax for a year."

So. How much is the friggin' CAT TAX, hmmmmm?


For fishy fun, find your finny friend a Fish School! No, not a school of fish—a fish school.

"Train your pet fish to perform cool tricks! Swim through hoops, jump, limbo, eat from your hand—even play soccer."

They've even got a school song. Cap and gown extra.

(Note to AHM: You're gonna' need some new speakers.)

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posted by Harrison at 12:32 AM

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