The Fe-lyinization of Canines

First they decided little boys should learn to play with tea sets and Easy Bake Ovens 'stead of dump trucks and Hot Wheels so they'd be less rough 'n rowdy in school.

Then they decided the All American Man should be some touch-feely, able-to-watch-Chick-Flicks-without-barfin' feminine hybred called a metrosexual.

Now they're goin' after man's (and conservative woman's) best friend—canines. Everyone knows we're the workin' stiffs of animaldom—tough, reliable, willin' to do battle in defense of our humans—and fe-lyings are the consumate Welfare Queens. We're holdin' down the jobs while fe-lyings are all sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll.

Guess that's a challenge to those entitlement liberal types. We're settin' a bad example, so they're gonna' try to change us—make us prissy and whiny and whimpy.

Fido Wants a Poop Tent^TM to Shelter Him From the Rain and Snow A new pet product gives relief to owners and dogs who hate to go outside in the rain and snow."

Say what? You can't stand getting' your itsy-bitsy-feetsies wet? Well, suck it up Fido. Remember Barry and Balto and Bobby. And notice how the headline writer deliberately used the pronoun "him."

"The Poop Tent^TM is a water-proof tent which can be popped open right before bad weather strikes."

And popped into the next county right after bad weather strikes.

"This puppy port-a-potty created by Benji Ventures in Alexandria, VA, is hailed by veterinarians as a shelter for sick and injured dogs, as well as dogs who simply don't want to get wet!…

Figures it'd be someone from NOVA (Northern Virginia) creatin' somethin' like this. The rest of us down here would support makin' D.C. a state s'long as they'd promise to take everythin' from Fredricksburg north with 'em.

"Sheryl Fuller, DVM of Sacramento, California, says…"It will benefit dogs that have foot bandages that need to stay dry," she says. "I have changed many bandages prematurely due to the dog getting the bandages wet, thus creating additional medical costs for the owner."

So learn to change the bandages yourself, you stupid left-coast fe-lyin' dog owners. So we're not the most cooperative—like your bratty kid is?—but at least ya' can put a muzzle on us.

"The Poop Tent^TM is easy to set-up and disassemble. It has an open bottom with cross ventilation through the front door and back window."

Great plannin'. Cross ventilation, eh? Think wind. Think hurricane. Think great big Poop Tent^TM weather balloon.

What a crock! If we don't watch out, soon they'll be tryin' to get us to poop in a litter pan.

Uh oh…

"Almost 3 feet wide and two feet long, dogs can climb up on to this mobile grass potty unit and get their business done without ever stepping out into the cold."

6 sq. ft. of sod only $279.99

'Scuse me while I find a mud puddle to roll in.

posted by Harrison at 9:16 PM