Of Dog Tongues, Pepto-Bismol®, and Bronx Cheers
In our famiy we have very long tongues, 'specially when you consider our size. Havin' a long tongue's important 'cause there's no other way to lick out the good stuff remainin' at the bottom of the peanut butter jar or the yogurt carton. It's also good for lickin' noses, private parts, and human toes. That last is really fun after AHM's been lyin' in the hot sun for a while. In fact, our tongues are so long, we'd probably smack ourselves in the eyeball if we weren't careful.
Of course it's great for when you're tryin' to avoid swallowin' any medicine AHM is tryin' to give. One good brwaaaappzth! can shoot a pill five feet or more. With practice you can ricochet that little white sucker into most anything--the toilet bein' the preferred target. 'Course AHM knows the trick to medicine-givin', so we reserve our expertise for more gullible prey. Like Silly Human Female.
SHF is one of those people who always thinks she knows how to do somethin' even if she's never done it before. Accordin' to her, how hard can it be givin' a little dog some medicine?
Continued in Read the Rest!
When she was still around, SHF had a really nice bedroom, with a real fancy white rug, a fancy bed cover and freshly painted walls. One mornin' Grand Dam Bitch woke up with an upset tummy and, without AHM around to ask, SHF called the vet--who recommended a dose of Pepto-Bismol®. (Canines can take lots of human-type medicine, but fe-lyings can't, so be careful.)
Okay. Out came the famous billious pink bottle--and a spoon. Yep. A spoon. SHF took Grand Dam into her bedroom and up on her bed, settin' her down on the almost-brand-new, very-expensive, white-flowered comforter. I was only a pup, but me and my littermates had to supervise this operation. We knew right off this was gonna' be one of the Great Moments in Dog Time. If we could have figured out that opposable thumbs issue, you woulda' seen it on America's Funniest Home Videos.
So there we were, all lined up on that thick, soft, fancy white rug in the bedroom with white walls just waitin' as SHF measured out a baby-sized dose of Pepto-Bismol®. On a spoon. She pried Grand Dam's mouth open (not a tough job considerin' she'll open her mouth for anythin' closely resemblin' food) and poured in the Pepto. SHF looked suitably pleased with herself.
We just looked. And waited.
I've heard detectives study the spray splatter of certain kinds of murders to figure out exactly what happened at the scene. Well, if they had shown up that day they woulda' thought every Mary Kaye rep within a hundred miles had just exploded.
Since most of us got it right in the ole' kisser, we did what dogs are supposed to do--we rubbed it off on the rug. Rubbed and rolled and snorted and sneezed then rolled and rubbed some more. We had that pink crap spread from one end of the room to the other in no time. In fact, when we were finished, we had created a masterpiece in the best Jackson Pollock tradition--a fitting companion to the newly decorated pink polka-dot walls.
SHF was not amused, if her yellin' was anything to judge by. I think it took her a week to clean up the mess and neither the rug nor the comforter ever looked quite normal again. And she never got rid of the Pepto-Bismol® smell.
AHM, on the other paw, was so amused she laughed 'til snot came out her nose and she nearly choked. At least she did 'til she realized every one of us was now in serious need of a bath. Then none of us were amused.
But we did learn what the expression "gag me with a spoon" meant.
P.S. Silly Human Female eventually took off for Tennessee. At last we know why.
posted by Harrison at 6:51 PM