Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery
Sometimes.
This reminds me of a story Grand Dam Bitch tells when you humans think we're just sprawled on the back steps doin' nothin'.
Now before ya' go much further, it should be said veeerry few people can speak canine. AHM does a so-so job, but her accent sucks. 'Course since we all understand English she doesn't have to worry about it. Years ago, however, when Grand Dam Bitch was a mere speck of her current self, AHM exhibited a real talent for speakin' fe-lyin'.
You regulars know 'bout Silly Human Female and Her Cat Dandylion, who looked somethin' like this (the Felyin-ification of Evil) and this, only fatter. 'Bout the only thing that made him actually run was the rattle of cat food in a plastic dish.
One day when AHM was visitin', SHF accidently dropped a coffee cup almost on top of the PigCat. He never missed a bite. He kept chowin' down with the tenacity of a fat man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. AHM finally had to physically pick him up, his jaws still movin', and hold him until the mess could be cleared and a new pile of slop poured into the trough.
SHF thought it was funny—and actually bragged nothin' could budge Dandylion from his meal. Well, that was obvious, considerin' his weight category. AHM, on the other paw, said she could chase him off—by speakin' fe-lyin'.
See, like most fe-lyings, Dandylion thought every bit of food laid out in the place belonged to him. That included human food on the counters and tables. AHM has very strong feelings about findin' long blonde hairs in her spaghetti sauce, but the usual "Get the hell offa' there!" never worked with Mr. I'll-Eat-Anything-Not-Nailed-Down.
One evenin' he was explorin' the dinner table and AHM had just about had enough. She actually growled at him. He froze. That was different. AHM tried it again, addin' a coupla' hisses. His eyes got reeeaal big. Better 'n better. AHM put it all together in a string of growls 'n hisses and tossed in a piercin' yowl or two. Grand Dam Bitch, who was sittin' safely across the room, said she'd never seen anythin' like it. Ole' Dandy's eyes bulged—moreso than they already did, that is—and nearly popped out of his head. He actually backed away from the food.
Then AHM really let loose with what Grand Dam Bitch says was a tour de force of fe-lyin' profanity.
Dandylion, who never moved faster than a slug on cemet, had every hair on his body standin' straight out, and his tail was at least three times its normal size. SHF had just walked into the room to see what all the yellin' was about when he launched himself off the table like a rocket, all four legs runnin' in mid-air. He narrowly missed SHF's head, landed on the wood floor in a long skid, upended a dining chair, knocked over the magazine rack, bounced off two walls, and made it up the stairs in a single bound.
A peacful meal was had by all.
Still, it remained to be seen if AHM could chase him away from his own food on his own placemat.
She could.
Dandylion took to eatin' his meals on the cellar steps behind closed doors. And never again was he seen on a counter or table as long as AHM was around.
posted by Harrison at 3:28 PM
This reminds me of a story Grand Dam Bitch tells when you humans think we're just sprawled on the back steps doin' nothin'.
"A Cornish firefighter has managed to free a kitten stuck up a chimney for five days - by impersonating a dog."
Now before ya' go much further, it should be said veeerry few people can speak canine. AHM does a so-so job, but her accent sucks. 'Course since we all understand English she doesn't have to worry about it. Years ago, however, when Grand Dam Bitch was a mere speck of her current self, AHM exhibited a real talent for speakin' fe-lyin'.
You regulars know 'bout Silly Human Female and Her Cat Dandylion, who looked somethin' like this (the Felyin-ification of Evil) and this, only fatter. 'Bout the only thing that made him actually run was the rattle of cat food in a plastic dish.
One day when AHM was visitin', SHF accidently dropped a coffee cup almost on top of the PigCat. He never missed a bite. He kept chowin' down with the tenacity of a fat man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. AHM finally had to physically pick him up, his jaws still movin', and hold him until the mess could be cleared and a new pile of slop poured into the trough.
SHF thought it was funny—and actually bragged nothin' could budge Dandylion from his meal. Well, that was obvious, considerin' his weight category. AHM, on the other paw, said she could chase him off—by speakin' fe-lyin'.
See, like most fe-lyings, Dandylion thought every bit of food laid out in the place belonged to him. That included human food on the counters and tables. AHM has very strong feelings about findin' long blonde hairs in her spaghetti sauce, but the usual "Get the hell offa' there!" never worked with Mr. I'll-Eat-Anything-Not-Nailed-Down.
One evenin' he was explorin' the dinner table and AHM had just about had enough. She actually growled at him. He froze. That was different. AHM tried it again, addin' a coupla' hisses. His eyes got reeeaal big. Better 'n better. AHM put it all together in a string of growls 'n hisses and tossed in a piercin' yowl or two. Grand Dam Bitch, who was sittin' safely across the room, said she'd never seen anythin' like it. Ole' Dandy's eyes bulged—moreso than they already did, that is—and nearly popped out of his head. He actually backed away from the food.
Then AHM really let loose with what Grand Dam Bitch says was a tour de force of fe-lyin' profanity.
Dandylion, who never moved faster than a slug on cemet, had every hair on his body standin' straight out, and his tail was at least three times its normal size. SHF had just walked into the room to see what all the yellin' was about when he launched himself off the table like a rocket, all four legs runnin' in mid-air. He narrowly missed SHF's head, landed on the wood floor in a long skid, upended a dining chair, knocked over the magazine rack, bounced off two walls, and made it up the stairs in a single bound.
A peacful meal was had by all.
Still, it remained to be seen if AHM could chase him away from his own food on his own placemat.
She could.
Dandylion took to eatin' his meals on the cellar steps behind closed doors. And never again was he seen on a counter or table as long as AHM was around.
posted by Harrison at 3:28 PM
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