The Day My NASCAR Dreams Died
Accordin' to somethin' I read, experts say canines bark with their owners' accents. Considerin' all the different places we've lived, we must sound like we're, well, barkin' mad.
Anyway, not long ago there was a debate over at The Corner 'bout how to pronounce certain words. Bein' who they are, naturally one of 'em managed to find a website that had surveyed regional accents and broke 'em down by expressions, words, and pronunciations.
Boy, you humans talk weird. After readin' through that list, I decided it would be more fun to make up my own definitions.
The bathroom.
Well, Miss Garbo and Little Girl call 'em snacks. But accordin' to this survey, there are people out there callin' 'em peenie wallies. No explanation why. If anyone knows, speak. Please.
Roadkill.
My teeth are sharper than yours.
Which reminds me of why I'm not drivin' on the NASCAR circuit.
See, sometimes AHM goes to her piano students' houses to teach. They pay a little more, but it helps 'em, 'specially when it's a family full of kids. Tough keepin' those little ones settled in the car while mom waits. Not all of 'em are as well-behaved as we are.
[Excuse me?~AHM]
[So, we learned, didn't we?~Harrison]
[So did I!~AHM]
Getting' back to the issue…
Usually AHM took a couple of us with her, 'cause all the kids loved us. One time Uncle Toot and I were along, and, as usual, I rode shotgun and Uncle Toot took the whole back seat. He liked sittin' up on the back and lookin' like one of those bobble head dogs. You could hear him snickerin' every time another driver did a double take.
Well, we arrived and AHM went inside to teach. The house was waaayy off in the woods by a lake, with a slopin' gravel drive windin' through trees. We were parked near the big window where AHM was teachin' so naturally I thought I'd move into the driver's seat and try out the little boy vroom, vrrom thing. (Not as much fun as Cousin Heddy used to have in Silly Human Female's car where the horn was part of the bar runnin' across the steerin' wheel. Boy, could she get people's attention with that!)
No sooner had I hopped over and got my paws in place than Uncle Toot came up with the same plan. He took issue with me grabbin' the prime spot and demanded I move 'cause he was older, don't' ya' know. With the steerin' wheel in the way, there wasn't room for both of us, so (as canines will do from time to time) we got into a little altercation.
[Little?! The whole damn car was rocking!~AHM]
[I really had ole' Unk bouncin' off the windows, didn't I?~Harrison]
[Among other things…~AHM]
Yeah…well… See, the car was getting' up in years and sometimes the automatic transmission didn't completely lock into "Park." And it was facin' downhill.
[It was facing a frickin' TREE!~AHM]
[Which, may I remind you, kept it from rollin' into the lake.~Harrison]
So we bumped the stick a little and gravity, bein' what it is, took over. The car moved about two feet and only hit the rubber bumper guard. But it gave us a real scare, that's for sure. We settled right back in our usual places and decided maybe AHM wouldn't notice.
[Right. There was dog spit dripping from the visors, you were both drooling, panting, and soaking wet, and your fur was standing on end. Like I wouldn't notice that.~AHM
[At least there wasn't any blood.~Harrison]
[No, but there was a tree!~AHM]
Again with the tree. So there was tree. We missed the lake, didn't we? There were no dents, which is all that matters, right?
'Course, thanks to Uncle Toot tryin' to lay dibs on the driver's seat I've had to give up any hope of a racin' career. And since then, only one of us at a time gets to ride with AHM.
posted by Harrison at 1:25 PM
Anyway, not long ago there was a debate over at The Corner 'bout how to pronounce certain words. Bein' who they are, naturally one of 'em managed to find a website that had surveyed regional accents and broke 'em down by expressions, words, and pronunciations.
Boy, you humans talk weird. After readin' through that list, I decided it would be more fun to make up my own definitions.
#60.What do you call the area of grass between the sidewalk and the road?
The bathroom.
#65.What do you call the insect that flies around in the summer and has a rear section that glows in the dark?
Well, Miss Garbo and Little Girl call 'em snacks. But accordin' to this survey, there are people out there callin' 'em peenie wallies. No explanation why. If anyone knows, speak. Please.
#92.What do you call it when a driver changes over one or more lanes way too quickly?
Roadkill.
#120.What do you say when you want to lay claim to the front seat of a car?
My teeth are sharper than yours.
Which reminds me of why I'm not drivin' on the NASCAR circuit.
See, sometimes AHM goes to her piano students' houses to teach. They pay a little more, but it helps 'em, 'specially when it's a family full of kids. Tough keepin' those little ones settled in the car while mom waits. Not all of 'em are as well-behaved as we are.
[Excuse me?~AHM]
[So, we learned, didn't we?~Harrison]
[So did I!~AHM]
Getting' back to the issue…
Usually AHM took a couple of us with her, 'cause all the kids loved us. One time Uncle Toot and I were along, and, as usual, I rode shotgun and Uncle Toot took the whole back seat. He liked sittin' up on the back and lookin' like one of those bobble head dogs. You could hear him snickerin' every time another driver did a double take.
Well, we arrived and AHM went inside to teach. The house was waaayy off in the woods by a lake, with a slopin' gravel drive windin' through trees. We were parked near the big window where AHM was teachin' so naturally I thought I'd move into the driver's seat and try out the little boy vroom, vrrom thing. (Not as much fun as Cousin Heddy used to have in Silly Human Female's car where the horn was part of the bar runnin' across the steerin' wheel. Boy, could she get people's attention with that!)
No sooner had I hopped over and got my paws in place than Uncle Toot came up with the same plan. He took issue with me grabbin' the prime spot and demanded I move 'cause he was older, don't' ya' know. With the steerin' wheel in the way, there wasn't room for both of us, so (as canines will do from time to time) we got into a little altercation.
[Little?! The whole damn car was rocking!~AHM]
[I really had ole' Unk bouncin' off the windows, didn't I?~Harrison]
[Among other things…~AHM]
Yeah…well… See, the car was getting' up in years and sometimes the automatic transmission didn't completely lock into "Park." And it was facin' downhill.
[It was facing a frickin' TREE!~AHM]
[Which, may I remind you, kept it from rollin' into the lake.~Harrison]
So we bumped the stick a little and gravity, bein' what it is, took over. The car moved about two feet and only hit the rubber bumper guard. But it gave us a real scare, that's for sure. We settled right back in our usual places and decided maybe AHM wouldn't notice.
[Right. There was dog spit dripping from the visors, you were both drooling, panting, and soaking wet, and your fur was standing on end. Like I wouldn't notice that.~AHM
[At least there wasn't any blood.~Harrison]
[No, but there was a tree!~AHM]
Again with the tree. So there was tree. We missed the lake, didn't we? There were no dents, which is all that matters, right?
'Course, thanks to Uncle Toot tryin' to lay dibs on the driver's seat I've had to give up any hope of a racin' career. And since then, only one of us at a time gets to ride with AHM.
posted by Harrison at 1:25 PM
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