Anyway. I promised weeding and mulching advice this time, but AHM did some bush trimming as well, so I'll toss that in free of charge.
Notes on flowers versus weeds. To us green is green--or gray-green--okay? We don't see yellow and red and blue and white or any other "color," and a flowering weed smells pretty much the same as a flowering flower. So the sooner you humans understand our idea of "weeding" is to thoroughly flatten most everything within reach, the better off you'll be. Now the oldsters will sit on 'em indiscriminately. (Will move for food, though.) The youngsters, on the other paw, prefer a rolling attack. Hem has a particularly unique style, throwing in a few half-gainers and lots of snorting, barking commentary. My advice for any dog who wants to help his/her alpha with weeding? Don't. Or if you insist, at least make sure the water is not on with the hose nearby when you roll into the petunias.
Another thing humans might want to remember is, just because you put a dinky little decorative fence around certain parts of the yard does not mean we will stay out of those areas when a fe-lying stupidly decides to wander onto our sidewalk. If you're grubbing around in one of those places when it happens, get the hell out of the way 'cause we're comin' through.
Side note to pups: Honeysuckle is a vine. If you mistakenly throw yourself into the honeysuckle patch during a cat chase, it will take AHM five minutes with the clippers to get you out. It will take fifteen minutes if you thrash about like a beached whale.
For everyone (except me, 'cause I already know): It's mulching--with an "L"--not munching with an "N." That's very important to remember, kiddies, because AHM gets real pissed if you take a mouthful of that leafy stuff in the pots (even if they are outside) and start chewing. She's not awfully crazy about you chowin' down on the dirt either but at least that doesn't induce shrieking at ulta-sonic frequencies.
For Maury: "Mulch" is the stuff that smells like tree bark. In fact, it is tree bark. Not gum tree bark, either, so you will not be able to blow bubbles after you've chewed it for twenty-seven minutes. (We'll leave any discussion of what happens after you've swallowed it and try to poop afterwards 'til later.)
When the holly bush is being trimmed, do not get within a country mile of it. In fact, just forget that part of the garden entirely 'cause there are always leaves hidden in the ground cover and even the dead ones have the half-life of depleted uranium 238. If you do wander in by mistake, do not--I repeat DO NOT--sit down in the shade unless you have no desire to have pups of your own. (For future reference--biting AHM's hand when she's removin' those spiky leaves stuck all over your balls is not wise.)
And what would Garden Day be without some input from Little Girl? Yes, LG, crickets can jump up your nose if you disturb them. If you shove your front half under the yew bush, you will disturb them. Remove yourself from beneath said bush before leaping up to chase them.
Now admit it--you won't get this kind of practical advice from Martha Stewart.
posted by Harrison at 1:22 PM