Even now I’m sniffin’ around into the background of all those non-human companions vyin’ to replace Barney as First Somethin’-or-Other. (Okay, so Bill probably has a lock on that title if Hillary gets elected, but ya’ gotta’ cover all the wet spots on the rug just in case.) And if ya' think it’s an easy job, well, you just try stickin’ your nose up the butt of fe-lyings, ferrets, fishies, and multicolored feather boas (aka, parrots). I’ll report back when I have all the dirty litter.
Until then, we’re celebratin’ Christmas in the best modern tradition…buyin’ stuff to send off to people who already have enough stuff but who expect us to send ‘em stuff anyway. AHM’s always complainin’ she’s supplied enough stuff to stuff yard sales well into the third millennium.
So, since I can’t let a second Christmas go without creatin’ a list for those of you out there who need a special, last minute gift that will generate that unique holiday expression: “What the hell is it?” (immediately followed by: “And why the **** did they send it to me.) here ya’ go:
For people who wish they had a canine of superior intelligence with the ability to communicate (like me), here’s another in a long line of talkin’ dog collars. They’ll be goin’ fast at the low-low sale price of just $19.95—includin’ batteries!
“This amazing gadget device simply attaches to a dog's collar. Works right off of a wireless remote. When visitors walk in, your dog can now greet them instead of you~! The sound voices comes [sic] right out of the dog shaped bone! AMAZING! Now you can make all of your pups and dogs talk!”
’Course it’s not quite so amazin’ when you read the list of vocal options and…um…farts.
Next, as a special treat for canines everywhere who need to brush up on their fe-lyin’ fightin’ skills I give you the Cat Acupuncture Model. ($34.95 plus S&H)
“This 11" long, hollow rubber Cat Acupuncture Model on a wooden base and accompanying booklet will give you a guide to the feline meridians.”
Guide to meridians, huh? Like I don’t already know where to stick a needle in a fe-lyin’.
And if the flyin' fur gets too thick, gather it up and send it to these guys
"Specializing in Mail Order Custom Handspun Yarn from Your Very Important Pets!"
Maybe ya' can re-knit that fe-lyin in time for next Christmas.
Just the other day I was readin’ ‘bout John Edwards’ favorite joke--some long-winded blather ‘bout a farmer and his pig. Well, that reminded me of this, the perfect gift for the John Edwards fan of your acquaintance. (Hopefully there’s only one.) For a mere $7.95 you too can own the pig catapult.
“The first catapults were built around 200 B.C. to hurl flaming 6-pound javelins. Now you can use the same basic mechanism to launch tiny plastic pigs through the air with the Pig Catapult. Each 5-3/4" shooting device is made of plastic and comes with ample pig ammo for a full-fledged pig-flinging party.”
Unfortunately there isn’t a model that’ll hurl flamin’ fe-lyings around, but ya’ work with what ya’ can get. Another idea might be to keep it for yourself and when the Demo-cat political sty gets too down and dirty, you can have that “full-fledged pig-flinging” party with the candidate himself.
Somethin’ else that seems to re-materialize every gift-givin’ season is the trusty ole’ Flying Alarm Clock. The hype is always the same:
"Trouble getting up in the mornings? This will do the trick! When the alarm sounds the propeller is launched up into the air & flies around the room. To turn off the alarm you’ll have to get up, find it & return it to the base. $19.99, plus shipping and handling."
It'll do the trick unless ya' got a loaded Pillow Pal handy holster holder hangin' from your mattress. ($19.95 for a pair, plus shipping and handling.)
"When you want your sidearm by your side."
Catchy, eh? And soooo convenient for hittin' the snooze button on that pesky alarm. Sounds like a perfect gift for the ole’ LawDog.
Gotta' say instead of a chew toy I'm buckin' for this, the Sigmund Freud Action Figure.
"Each 5" tall figure captures Freud in a pensive pose, holding a distinctly phallic cigar."
Somewhat diminished, I guess, 'cause the price is down to $9.95. In a pinch, though, I'll be happy with a few of these.
"Watermelon flavored lollipops shaped like the head of Sigmund Freud. $27.95 per box of 24, plus shipping and handling."
Eat your heart out Siggy.
And finally, like all Christmases, there are some gifts that just defy explanation.
posted by Harrison at 11:13 PM