Canine Summer Games

Once again the world's human (and equine) athletes have gathered to compete in the Olympics. Two years ago it was the Winter Games. Now it's time for the Summer Games. It's also time for Games of the II Canine Olympiad. Actually, dogs did take part in one official Summer Olympics, but it involved poodles, clippers, and lots of canine embarrassment.

Wile E. Coyote Air Run Divin'

Referee throws a ball, fristbee, or stick toward a body of water. Two competitors race one another to retrieve the object, runnin' off the edge of a pool or dock. Points are awarded for distance of air run with legs still in motion; form durin' entry into said water; and time elapsed before competitors realize they've been suckered. Bonus points for flips, belly flops, 180^o air turns, and actually retrievin' the object. This is a low-scorin' event since the judges are usually laughin' too hard to count.

Reverse Standin' Long Jump

Athlete dives beneath low-growin' bush to follow a mystery scent. Event is scored by distance of backward leap when live varmint is encountered. Bonus points for spins, twists, and actually bringin' the quarry into the open. Deductions for trashin' the bush. Disqualification (and a vet visit) for eatin' whatever the hell was under the bush.

Shrew Soccer

Two opponents vie to dribble a shrew across a freshly polished tile floor without allowin' it to slide out of bounds or the door. Goals scored for smackin' the shrew into the food or water bowls. This is a fast and furious game since it must be completed before AHM discovers we brought a live shrew into the house.

Squirrel Vaultin'

Athletes pursue a squirrel across the yard, vaultin' off lawn chairs, chaises, and/or tables. Points awarded for body extension, height/length of vault, and not landin' on your nose. Deductions for knockin' over tables or breakin' flowerpots. Bonus points for rememberin' there's a kiddy pool set up in the back yard.

Variation is the 100m Cat Hurdles where athletes race a felyin' to the border fence. Disqualification if ya' chase the fe-lyin' up a tree and AHM has get it down.

There are still no Fe-lyin' Olympics 'cause they're—well—fe-lyings.

posted by Harrison at 10:13 PM