Olympic Moments

You think all the action is in Torino? Al contrario. We believe the Olympic experience should be an international, inter-species extravaganza. Therefore, in the spirit of peace, love, and my-medals-are-bigger-than-yours, we present an exclusive guide to the one, the only Canine Olympics*.

Short Track Speed Racin' 'n Squirrel Jumpin'

This sport involves chasin' a squirrel in tight circles around the yard until it jumps onto the garage roof where (if the weather cooperates) it will hit an ice patch and be launched off the roof like a catapault. Winner is the one who leaps highest, catchin' the squirrel. Bonus points for over the shoulder catches, 180 degree body twists, and actually hangin' on to the squirrel.

Variation is Short Track Racin' 'n Cat Jumpin' where athletes compete to see who can make a fe-lyin' jump highest onto a roof, fence or tree. Bonus points if ice is involved.

Brokeback Doubles Figure Skatin'

Points givin for length of clinch, jumps, spins, twirls, and footwork. Mandatory scorin' reductions for snarlin', snappin', and actual tooth to nose contact.

Kibble Curlin'

Speciality sport involving tossin' chunks of kibble into the air and seein' how far it will slide across a tile floor. Competitors race to see who's the first to retrieve it.

Variation is the Kibble Curlin' Combined where athletes vie to retrieve the kibble while avoidin' the jaws of fellow competitors and shots from AHM's squirt gun.

Step Ski Jumpin' (Weather permittin')

Official opens door, tosses out ball. Competitors race out, hit icy steps and are launched into a graceful arc (or not). Points for distance, style, and who lands on all fours. Disqualification for landin' in bushes or flowerpot. Bonus points for actually retrievin' the ball.

Cross-Country Varmint Pursuit was dropped from the schedule due to AHM repairin' the fence.

*Schedulin' note: there is no Fe-lyin' Olympics 'cause they're too lazy to get off their fat butts and do anything worthwhile.

posted by Harrison at 6:07 PM