Anyway, when I was a mere teenage pup, Silly Human Female thought it would be cute (I hate cute) to put harnesses on all of us, hook us up to a little red wagon and have us haul her shoppin' bags around town. It was a reeeeaally stupid idea. The stupidest idea of all the stupid ideas that paragon of stupidness thought up. The only smart idea was tryin' it out in the drive before headin' into town. That and not even thinkin' about makin' Dad join in which would have resulted in some serious bleedin' and loss of fingers. (If she had checked with AHM first, she woulda' heard about the Flexible Flyer sled incident which did result in a goodly number of Band Aids® on fingers.)
Well, right off the girls started squabblin' about who was wearin' the red harness instead of the blue, Uncle Harry was bitchin' about bein' stuck next to Grand Dam Bitch (who promptly laid down for a nap, never to get up without a well-placed stick of dynamite) and my brother Han and I thought we'd act out the great chariot race from Ben Hur.
Do ya' know how much noise one of those suckers makes when it flips over and gets dragged across asphalt, gravel, and rocks? With all the clangin' and bangin' we naturally figured the Great Fe-lyin' Devil from Hell was chasin' us which only made us run faster--in six different directions. Grand Dam Bitch hadn't moved that fast since…well…since never.
Lookin' back now I understand why Alpha Human Mom just stood there laughin', 'tho at the time I was pissed as hell she didn't stop SHF. AHM claimed seein' her stumble around after us was better than watchin' the Keystone Kops--whoever they are--'specially when we made SHF jump into the rose bushes to get out of our way.
No one got hurt, 'cept for our dignity and a couple of scratches on SHF. 'Course since then we've never been able to look at anything small 'n red with wheels without gettin' the urge to attack.
posted by Harrison at 4:10 PM