Sex and the Single Canine

Sometimes a story comes along ya' just gotta' gnaw apart like one of those big ole' chews 'cause it makes ya' wonder why they call us dumb animals.

"Dog owners in Amsterdam are angry after the city legalised public sex in one of the city's most famous parks. Councillors agreed that heterosexual and gay couples could have sex in the Vondelpark which has ten million visitors a year."

Legalized public sex… Considerin' how canines and fe-lyings like to gather their kibble where they may, what's the big deal with dog owners?

"But they promised to clampdown on dog owners who let their pets walk in the park without a lead."

Ah. Well. I can definitely see a problem or two with dogs let loose among the undulatin' hordes considerin' we're equiped with a matched set of very sharp teeth. Since I'm tryin' to keep this blog family friendly I won't go into all the euphemisms for certain parts of the human anatomy, but we canines do like to—ah—"clamp down" on things that bear a strong resemblance to rawhide bones.

"One dog owner protested: "As long as the park has existed, we've been allowed to let our dogs run freely. It's outrageous that we will be punished from now on but public sex won't." A spokesman for the council which runs the southern part of Amsterdam said: "When the dogs are not kept on a leash they pee on whatever they see and they cause a lot of nuisance for other visitors."

Newsflash for the spokesman: dogs pee on whatever they see whether they're on a leash or not! It's all about that pesky mark-your-territory urge. And d'ya' ever hear about those reeeeeeally long extendin' leashes? I'm getting' the feelin' there's been a run on them at every pet store in Amsterdam.

"Alderman Paul Van Grieken defended the decision to allow public sex in the park from September. "Why should we oppose a rule on something you can't oppose a rule on."

Does anyone else think somethin' got lost in translation? Yes? Well, it gets worse.

"Moreover [Van Grieken said] it isn't a nuisance for the other visitors…"

Not a nuisance, huh? Well, he obviously isn't only a foot tall. Imagine AHM and me takin' an innocent walk in the park (on a long leash, of course) and I decide to investigate the nearest bush… Whoa!! Holy Granddam of the Dog God! Ya' really don't wanna' come nose to—er—somethin' with that sight.

"…and gives a lot of pleasure to a certain group of people," he said.

Oh yeah…voyeurs, perverts, and psychos are already signin' up for their vacation-of-a-lifetime tour, not to mention the one-time-use camera concessionaires.

"There still are rules," he added. "They must take their garbage with them afterwards and never have intercourse near the playground. The sex must be limited to the evening hours and night."

A few off-paw thoughts: How tough is it to find certain bits of "garbage" in the dark? How near is near? And do they have Daylight Savings Time in the Netherlands?

posted by Harrison at 12:05 AM