On the Art of Wakin' Humans
The real investigative news everyone's missed is the study I've made on how to wake a sleepin' human.
We all have our methods. Aunt Haley said she tried whinin' 'til AHM rolled over and yelled at her to shut up, complete with a blast of human mornin' breath. Whew! She doesn't recommend tryin' that again. Come to think of it, that's probably why she took to sleepin' down in the wicker dog bed.
When Silly Human Female was around, Great Granddam Bitch came up with the best way to wake a human—she literally shoved SHF out of bed. Considerin' the weight differential that was quite a feat but it sure did the trick. Everyone woke up—includin' AHM who showed up brandishin' a fireplace poker 'cause she thought there were burglars. Accordin' to GGB, the embarrassment factor was an added bonus.
AHM: (To SHF) Did you fall out of bed?
SHF: (As she tried to shove GGB to the other side of the bed) No!
AHM: (Eying GGB who was playin' dead-dog-grinnin'.) She kicked you out of bed, didn't she?
AHM: (Exit, laughin' hysterically.)
None of us thought of tryin' that with AHM, 'specially after she told us 'bout a visit she made to a friend who lived with a really weird fe-lyin'. This furball liked to wake up humans by sailin' straight up from the floor and landin' on their heads. 'Course said fe-lyin' learned the error of its ways when it found itself sailin' through the air playin' pinball with the bedroom walls.
Our problem: AHM has an alarm clock that she cranks up to the highest level. I mean that thing could blast the hide of a chew bone! And it sure as hell is not somethin' ya' wanna' hear at six a.m. when you're dreamin' of beatin' up on that mouthy dalmation across the street. First time I heard it I almost ended up hangin' from the ceilin' fan. There were no two ways about it—a Plan had to be Developed. And since I'm the one usually sleepin' on the bed, it was my job as The Alpha Dog to Handle It.
First I had to wake up before the alarm went off. Considerin' my eardrums were still drummin' from its effects that wasn't tough to manage. Then I tried politeness. I sat up and patted her shoulder until she woke up. That worked for a while until my timin' got screwed up and the alarm blasted off—along with the rest of the pack who told me off in no uncertain terms while peelin' themselves off various parts of the bedroom furnishings. At least all the barkin' got AHM to shut off the damn bell.
So, I decided add some dog claws to the mix. That was okay in the winter when you're dealin' with flannel jammies. Not so good in the summer when there was—ah—well, nothin' but human skin.
[Scratched human skin, thank you very much!~AHM]
Okay, okay. I still had to come up with The Solution. I patted, poked, prodded, and pulled down the covers. (I don't recommend that last bit unless you're prepared to do a few back flips down the mattress when said covers get yanked back up.) They all worked temporarily—but eventually AHM would just ignore 'em which meant I was gettin' it from the rest of the pack whenever the alarm won the mornin' race. Drastic action was called for.
Now no matter how completely AHM tried hide under the covers—and she had it down to an art form—there was always one part of her anatomy I could find. One mornin' I snuffled and sniffed 'til I had a noseful of snot, leaned over, and, with my nose good 'n wet, snorted as hard as I could…
…in her ear.
The results were instantaneous.
For one nanosecond, pillow, sheets, blankets, AHM and me were all suspended six inches off the mattress.
We decided the alarm bell was better than all that shriekin'.
posted by Harrison at 10:47 PM