The Emperor's Dog Has No Clothes

I warned you humans about these bogus pet psychics earlier, and here's more proof. This guy actually called a few just to get the lowdown. You've been warned. Now laugh it up, fuzzballs.

"I decide to test pet psychic veracity by phoning several. Since I don't have a pet, I pose as my own dog, who happens to go by my name…

I[nfiltrator]: No! And other dogs don't seem to get along with him. Can you hold on? HARMON, QUIT DRINKING OUT OF THE TOILET! Sorry about that -- what were you saying?
[Pet Psychic 1]: You know what his thing is? He doesn't like rude dogs. He is very proper. Almost like, I guess, a butler. He likes things to be just so, while at the same time he's very lighthearted.

Infiltrator: He's aggressive to Grandma. Should I not like her?
[Pet Psychic 2]: One of the things Harmon said was that Grandma gets a little cranky at times, and so he ... let me look at my notes ... [Pause.] Oh, Harmon's absolutely funny, he just said [the psychic assumes a cartoony dog voice], "She's a bit cranky. I admit I don't get the warm and fuzzy feeling from her."

Why did Harmon chew up my slippers? (During this pet psychic session, I occasionally hold the phone away from me and make barking and yelping noises.)
Pet Psychic 4: I asked him if he chewed up your slippers, and he either doesn't remember it or is in total denial, 'cause it wasn't a big deal for him.
Infiltrator: [Ruff-ruff!] Well, here's the really weird part -- they were slippers given to me by Grandma! [Woof-woof!]
PP4: That's interesting. I'll talk to him about it. I'll tell him he needs to back off. I'll work with him. I often have clients call me two weeks later and say, "Oh my God, I thought it was stupid when you said this to me, but now I get it."
I: [Grrrrr-grrrrr!] GODDAMN IT, HARMON, STOP DOING THAT TO MY LEG!
(Pet Psychic No. 4 recommends some New Age drops you put on your pet's head to "balance out his energy." They cost $17 a bottle. She happens to sell the stuff.)

I believe that my dog was President John F. Kennedy in a past life. Is this true?
Pet Psychic 8: There's a real controversy when animals talk about whether they were a person before. And, I have to tell you, they do that a lot. They say they were nuns, or priests, or warriors. They are not necessarily lying.
Infiltrator: [Getting annoyed.] So was my dog JFK or not?
PP8: [Pause.] Harmon wasn't exactly reincarnated into the president. But their energies really aligned and merged as one.

I'm not sayin' we don't talk to humans--course we do. But we don't play mind games. And ya' don't need no stinkin' "pet psychic" to know my thoughts. Just read my blog.

posted by Harrison at 9:00 PM