Name:Harrison Location:United States

The Original Lovable Little Fuzzball

Here's the straight stuff.

The adventures of Harrison are true.
Try a few of his Crunchy Bites for a taste.
--Alpha Human Mom

Monday, September 27, 2004

General Sherman was a Redhead

At least that what the guy on TV said. He was a Yankee too--a general when the north and south parts of the country were fightin' each other. Guess he must have been pretty bad 'cause if you talk about him here in the south, people start screechin' like a scalded fe-lyin'. That north-south business never did get finished--not so you can tell, anyway--even though those northern Yankees gave back most everything they won from the south. 'Course that Alpha General Sherman Yankee redhead person chewed it up pretty good along the way, so maybe that's the trouble.

Anyway, after bein' here for a while, I can sorta' figure out why the southern humans lost just by lookin' around. See, there are bunches of these native southern males, lower than Omegas, pretending they're Alphas, and dumber than dirt. Dumber than fe-lyings, even, which is goin' some. AHM's a Yankee too, so she calls 'em "good ole' boys" when she's in front of her students and somethin' I can't write down here when she's alone.

The way I figure it, there were way too many of those "good ole' boy" types in the southern army and way too few of the Robert E. Lee types--the ones with enough brains to let them walk and chew tobacco at the same time. That's why the south lost. The Robert E. Lee types must have all been killed off durin' that war too, 'cause it's the other ones that have multiplied thicker than cat fleas.

Two of those types were supposed to be workin' on AHM's car. She has an old VW beetle and the guy who used to repair it retired so these two good ole' boys were startin' up a shop to take his place. I only saw 'em a couple of time but they sure didn't smell right--kinda' like the water smells when the sewer backs up into the storm drain.

Well, they gave AHM a list of parts and stuff they said it needed which added up to over $1,000. (Musta' had the whole clan barefoot and countin' to get that high.) AHM gave 'em money to fix the engine, then more to buy parts they had to order somewhere special. They said it would be done by the end of April. Except--at the end of April they said the guy who fixed the engine did somethin' wrong so it would be another month. Except--at the end of May it was somethin' else. And at the end of June somethin' else and by July the person who fixed the engine did somethin' wrong again… Uh oh. If you're gonna' lie you gotta' have one hell of a memory so you don't screw up and recycle the same lie.

Now while all this fe-lyin' is goin' on, they're askin' for more money, tryin' to get AHM to give 'em back the list of parts they'd typed up, and even tellin' her she had to bring the registration and insurance papers to them so they can "inspect" the car. Heard her tellin' a friend about all this stuff. Made me wonder what sort of plans those two really had in mind if she had showed up. Made AHM wonder too.

I'll tell ya', those good ole' boys shoulda' paid attention in school when they were studyin' that north-south war. They might have learned it wasn't too smart to keep messin' with a red-haired Yankee--male or female. AHM's reeeeaaall patient (too patient I think, 'cause I woulda' had their balls for breakfast by now) but she'll only take so much before she starts marchin' toward the sea, so to speak.

First she got them investigated by the revenuers--and you know how much backcountry southern boys love meetin' up with revenuers. Amazin' how fast they said they'd bring the car to AHM's regular mechanic for inspection. They dropped it off and skedaddled real fast. They had a good skedaddlin' reason too, 'cause nothin' had been done on the car! They took the money and did zero--zip--nada.

Soon as she heard that, AHM called the revenuers again and sent them off to those boys' daddy who she knew was runnin' his own little repair business on the sly. Tomorrow we're visitin' the police to show 'em those papers the good ole' boys were so hot to get back, along with other stuff. Maybe by tomorrow evenin' those weeds of the Confederacy will get to sit in a human cage for a while since there's a law down here called "larceny" or somethin'.

Problem is, the car still needs to be fixed, AHM is out well over $1,000--more if she has to keep rentin' cars to get around, and she has to cough up another bunch of money for the same repairs. (Our dog treats piggybank is history that's for sure.) We all know there's lots of needs out there, but if you feel like you can help out, we’d really appreciate you hittin' the donation button up there on the left. Pleeeeeze… (You can't see me but I'm sittin' up and beggin' real nicely--I'm no Andrew Sullivan but I bet I have more cute tricks than he does.) AHM has to get her car fixed so she can get back to work full time or the next thing that's history will be our whole house.

I'll let ya' know what happens to the good ole' boys. Even if they don't get jail time they'll probably think twice before makin' another red-haired Yankee mad--especially one with PMS.

posted by Harrison at 12:05 AM


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