Name:Harrison Location:United States

The Original Lovable Little Fuzzball

Here's the straight stuff.

The adventures of Harrison are true.
Try a few of his Crunchy Bites for a taste.
--Alpha Human Mom

Thursday, January 13, 2005


When I was a pup in California I liked playin' whack-a-gopher. Not the game you humans play at an arcade with the rodents poppin' out of holes while you pummel 'em with a club--or the on line version. No, this was honest-to-god whack the actual gopher dead.

Gophers are pretty much worthless, rootin' around underground as if they had somethin' important to do when all they really do is create an unholy mess. They eat crops and plants, gnaw on tree roots, screw up irrigation troughs, and leave mounds and tunnels everywhere just so an unsuspecting cow or horse or human can step in 'em and break an ankle. Some of 'em even chew on underground cables and pipes which can get real expensive real fast.

Maybe they do some good things, too, but those things are few and far in between.

My dad had a special technique for gopher-whacking. None of that burrowing-down-to-their-nest routine like ordinary terriers. No, my dad believed in usin' brains instead of brawn and was big on maintaining his natty appearance by lettin' the other guy do all the grunt work. So down we'd go into the pasture, followin' the sound of munchin' and diggin', until we located the entrance mound. Then we'd sit by the opening.

And sit... And sit... Sit still... Sit real still... Real, real still. If ya' hopped around, Dad would smack ya' silly.

All those gophers were busy with their dirty work underground, scurryin' hither and yon, squeakin' and snufflin' among themselves as if what they said mattered one LiverSnap®. It was only a matter of time until they got arrogant enough to poke their stupid snouts out of the hole, then bingo! Dad would nail 'em. (And Harold Ramis passed on him when castin' Caddyshack.)

That gopher-whackin' kinda' reminds me of what President Bush (and other Republi-canines) do to Demo-cats. The President makes his proposals then just sits there real quiet--waitin' for all the fools to pop up.

First there was Senator Boxer and Representative Conyers pretendin' to be statespersons. After that came Ted Kennedy and Patrick Leahy pretendin' to be Senators.

Close behind was this Dem crew. [Dug up at Never Sway.]

"A News Tribune article suggests that enough evidence has been gathered by the GOP in Washington’s governors’ race to possibly invalidate the election:"

And bringin' up the rear (where they belong) are these fe-lyings. [Dug up at Mr. Minority's.]

"A federal PAC calling itself "Patriots For Gore" released a statement this week calling Al Gore the "rightful president of 2000" and announcing that they're investigating "if there is a legal and constitutional way to restore that term to Vice President Gore."

I could never figure out why those gophers didn't know Dad and me were waitin' for 'em. Can't figure out why Demo-cats don't know the same thing.

posted by Harrison at 2:30 AM


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