Doggerel

Once again my "you threw it, you fetch it" philosophy is proven to be valid.

"Glen Grenier's 2-year-old German shepherd Shultz takes his game of fetch so seriously that it took a veterinary surgeon to get a nearly foot-long stick back from him last week. Nobody knows quite how he did it, but Shultz managed to swallow the stick, 9 1/2 inches long and an inch and a half in diameter,…"

…and 6,000 dollars wide.

"I throw big sticks, and he chases them and brings them back," said Mr. Grenier. "We've done this every single day since he was little."… "Mr. Grenier is still puzzling over how Shultz managed to swallow such a huge object. "Whether he threw it up in the air and it dropped in, or it was on the ground and he slid into it, nobody really knows," he said."

Shultz, as expected, knows nothing.

Maybe Mr. Grenier should try this little number instead. Not only is it fun, accordin' to the makers, it was "…designed to help encourage the human/animal bond and enhance your dog's play time." It's a whole lot cheaper than $6,000 too.

"Dog treats & treating will NEVER be the same! SnackShotz Treat Launcher is the ONLY product of its kind that provides endless fun for you and your dog(s). Just load SnackShotz with Discos^TM Flying Dog Treats, pull the lever, and the fun begins. Dogs run, jump chase and catch Discos treats as the treats fly [up to 12 feet] through the air!"

Then, after your human companion is done makin' an ass out of ya', you can refuse to stop pantin' 'til they buy you a 24-pack of K9 Water, vitamin-enriched, in several flavors.

"The company offers: Toilet Water, with chicken flavor; Gutter Water with beef flavor; Puddle Water with liver flavor and Hose Water with lamb flavor. A four-pack sells for $7.49, a 12-pack costs $19.99 and a 24-pack costs $35.99.

"'We are dog lovers and pooch parents ourselves, so we had our formula tested in an independent lab by a veterinary nutritionist to make sure it is healthy for your dog,'…"

Healthy for the canine gullet, maybe—considerin' we stay just as healthy drinkin' real hose water—but not 'specially healthy for the ole' human pocketbook.

BTW, there's a cat model of that SnackShotz Treat Launcher, but it uses Discos^TM dog treats so I'm not too sure how well your fe-lyin' will respond.

However, Dogmatic Products does have another fabulous idea for that feisty fe-lyin' in your life: Lickety Sticks, catnip oil stickers. (Follow the link from the drop down menu under "Products.")

"Now anything can become a cat toy: a tennis ball, an old shoe, or crumpled paper… We use just enough catnip oil to drive your cat wild, but in levels that are safe and non-toxic. Great for use on scratching posts!"

Yes-sir-re-bob! Plaster one of those little suckers on any electric outlet and watch the fur fly. Or slap a couple on the butt of the nearest pit bull for the ultimate scratch 'n stiff experience.

Now, if that doesn't work, you frustrated canines can just grab a-hold of the Bada-Beam laser and take care of that fe-lyin' in no time!

[It's a toy.~AHM]

[Wha'da'ya mean a toy? Don't you know "badda-beam, badda-boom!"~Harrison]

[That's badda-bing badda-… Never mind. It's still a toy.~AHM]

[What a waste of technology.~Harrison]

"This clever, interactive cat toy will captivate your kitty for hours. Just open the lid to Bada-Beam—its laser beam automatically comes on, moves in circles, pauses, then circles again, grabbing your cat’s attention.

[Can I least try aimin' it at the pit bull across the street?~Harrison]

[Say good night, Harrison.~AHM]

[Nuts!~Harrison]

posted by Harrison at 11:25 PM