Scratchin' the Itch

Everyone out there seems to be talkin' about Big Love. I figured it was a how-to for sex with fatties, but AHM says it's an HBO series 'bout polygamy and they're all skinny. Considerin' 1) we don't have HBO and 2) canine eyes aren't built for watchin' TV, guess I won't be seein' that show anytime soon.

Still, polygamy is somethin' I know about, havin' had lots of…ummm…companions, shall we say, over the course of my short life. Fortunately most of 'em took the kids and went home to mom so I wasn't stuck supportin' 'em. Then again…I'm a dog!

AHM and me were gonna' write a big post about it, then decided to ditch all the philosophy stuff and get right down to brass balls. Polygamy is a power trip for men.

See, when we got an itch, we wanna' scratch it NOW and do it every which way from Sunday. Yeah, ya' can pretend it's not by sayin' "I love all my wives," but I'm bettin' it's more about "I lust" than "I love." Polygamy deep sixes the need to do anythin' creative or be responsive or actually work on a single relationship. If ya' get bored—add another wife. Sure as hell saves on divorce lawyers, alimony, and child support payments. Besides, it gives men variety, convenience, and availability—without makin' 'em move to Nevada.

You can try puttin' a cozy family spin on the idea, but, c'mon guys, we all know that's a crock. More importantly, if polygamy's legalized, taxpayers will eventually end up footin' the bill and bein' treated to stories like this.

"Grasping dad Mick Philpott yesterday demanded a bigger council house for him, his 14 kids, his wife — and his mistress. And when he was turned down, he had the nerve to blame the state of the nation. The jobless 49-year-old moaned: “I used to love my country but I’m just sick of it now. I’m really ashamed of what’s happening. Britain is going down the pan.”

Yeah. They're obviously waaaaay behind on their spayin' and neuterin' program.

"Philpott lives in a three-bedroom semi in Derby with wife Mairead, 25, his lover Lisa Willis, 22, and eight of the children. But he insists he needs more space as he has to sleep in a tent when his SIX other kids from THREE previous girlfriends come to visit. Philpott, whose children’s ages range from five months to 19 years old, said: “It’s very cramped already…"

Talk about a guy who needs to have his Itch permanently Scratched Out…

“But when everyone is here there is nowhere to sit."

Which, of course, explains why mistress Lisa is now preggers with his 15th child!

"I end up sleeping in a tent in the garden [with the dog] and that’s not on.” Pet labrador Goldie is yet another occupant of the house. In keeping with the family way, she is pregnant…"

No, I don't think so. But it does make ya' wonder…

"Derby City Council told him they simply do not have a bigger house on their books. But Philpott insisted: “We obviously need a new place but the council won’t give us one. They come up with the same excuses and they’re just not good enough.”

I suggest a deal. Mick lets someone nick his jewels and his family will get a bigger house.

"Polygamy: An endeavour to get more out of life than there is in it." ~ Elbert Hubbard

Or out of the government.

posted by Harrison at 9:44 PM