The Nit Wit Times Extra!

AHM was snortin' in her coffee again this mornin' so I had to climb up and see what was goin' on. Couldn't see a thing 'til she pointed to the URL for this story. She read it wrong and thought it was from a new site called Nit Wit Times. It wasn't. But it shoulda' been.

"Martha Luke, a…probation officer, stopped on her way to work last Thursday to get her car gassed up and washed… Exiting the car wash, she remembered she had not taken the magnetic "ribbons" off her car…[and one] had fallen off in the car wash. As she walked back into the car wash to retrieve the magnet, the overhead doors closed, trapping her inside…

"No big deal, right? Just open the door and walk out. Wrong-ola, Turtle Wax breath.

"After trying unsuccessfully to pry open the doors, she looked around for some kind of emergency button that would either open the doors, alert the gas station employees or deliver up a hot Starbucks latte grande to keep her warm. She found no buttons. That's because they are difficult to find because they are right next to the door and marked with the secret code words "Open" and "Close." There's also a glass door a spokesperson said is not locked during business hours."

That's a probation office, people. A probation officer who can't find the doors marked "Open" and "Close." Sounds like she should be an immigration officer…



  Charity begins at home. At least   that's what people like to say—   unless you're an aforementioned   immigration officer or a Welfare   bureaucrat. Then charity begins   in someone's pocket and ends up in   someone else's belly…butt…hips…   thighs…




For some reason that picture reminded me of this guy who has a few concerns about the amount of vermin populatin' the Earth. Human-being type vermin, to be exact. Now, since I'm a charitable sort, I say let him start his extermination program right in his own house, to set an example for the rest of us. In fact, he should have a party and invite all his supporters from the Texas Academy of Science to start the ball rollin'. That should clean things up real fast.

"…[T]here was a gravely disturbing side to that otherwise scientifically significant [109th meeting of the Texas Academy of Science], for I watched in amazement as a few hundred members of the Texas Academy of Science rose to their feet and gave a standing ovation to a speech that enthusiastically advocated the elimination of 90 percent of Earth's population by airborne Ebola. The speech was given by Dr. Eric R. Pianka, the University of Texas evolutionary ecologist and lizard expert who the Academy named the 2006 Distinguished Texas Scientist."

[Lizard expert? Hmmmm… Anyone out there remember the old TV sci-fi miniseries V? Maybe this guy's just an alien in human skin.~AHM]

[Considerin' where he's got his hand on that lizard, ya' never know.~Harrison]

Anyway, those Academy people sure weren't in any hurry to have people seein' evidence of his little chit chat.

"Something curious occurred a minute before Pianka began speaking. An official of the Academy approached a video camera operator at the front of the auditorium and engaged him in animated conversation. The camera operator did not look pleased as he pointed the lens of the big camera to the ceiling and slowly walked away… Pianka hammered his point home by exclaiming, “We're no better than bacteria!”

Oops. If you're gonna' take a bite outta' the crime fighter, first make sure you haven't pilfered the petty cash pot.

  "Rep. Cynthia McKinney admits that she broke   government rules by spending money to fly a   celebrity to Atlanta. Channel 2 Action News has   uncovered documents showing McKinney,   D-Ga., spent about $1,000 of taxpayer's money   to fly singer Isaac Hayes to Georgia to help   dedicate a new office in Atlanta."

Cyn, babe. That new "do" just doesn't!

posted by Harrison at 11:21 PM