Barkin' Up the Wrong Tree

Seems like every time ya' turn around someone's tryin' to analyze us canines. Since most of these studies are takin' place in not-so-Great-anymore Britain it's obvious there are lots of people there with waaay too much time on their hands. 'Course my personal opinion of Brits bein' dog people is pretty low. They should just stick to fe-lyings 'cause apparently they haven't got a clue about dogs. Exhibit One:

University explores barking dogs

"New research is under way at the University of Sussex to help understand what a dog means when it barks. Analysts are using modern technology to find out whether dogs communicate in different ways in an attempt to help owners better understand their pets…

"The project was started by [research student Anna Taylor] and is taking place at the university's psychology department… "Hopefully this research will help to reveal scientifically what man's best friend is really saying," she added."

Wonder if she understands the word fool?

But apparently Anna has a great future as a government functuary. Guess there's a reason the expression "barking mad" comes from the English. Witness Exhibit Two:

Barking, but your dog will understand

"Most foreign language courses teach French or Spanish to prospective tourists keen to learn the local lingo before their holiday. But one council has taken translation to a new level by offering lessons in how to understand the barking of dogs. Dog lovers not satisfied with simply resembling their pets can now learn how to sound like them as well."

As if bearin' a familial resemblance to a Chinese Crested weren't bad enough.

"They will be taught guidance from the Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) about the ten different ways in which their animal communicates — and the nine things that it might be trying to tell its owner."

Only nine? Ya' might wanna' work in a few other comments as well—like seein' a full set of teeth means I am not a happy camper. Or if your Birkenstocks are suspiciously damp it means "Don't call me cute, sucker!"

"The free masterclass in understanding woofs, squeals and growls is being offered by a council desperate to cut down on noise pollution."

Oh, that makes sense. Teachin' a bunch of silly humans how to bark is definitely gonna' cut down on noise pollution.

"…They will teach techniques to doting owners, hoping that this will result in superior communication with their dogs and fewer complaints about barking. The different noises made by dogs have been identified as grunts, whines, yelps, screams, howls, growls, coughs, barks, tooth snapping and panting…"

Sounds to me like there's a whole island nation full of people who are closet fe-lyin' people, 'specially if they have to depend on government types to tell 'em what we're talkin' about.

So… I'll make it easy for 'em:

Grunt = I'm too damn fat to walk up this many steps.
Whine = You're leavin' me alone again, aren't you?
Yelp = Get your clodhopper the hell off my foot!
Scream = THIS IS THE VET'S OFFICE!!
Howl = Who's dumbass idea was it to let the kid take saxophone lessons?
Cough = Ya' gotta' stop buyin' that perfume by the gallon.
Bark = Open the door or you're gonna' have to wring out the rug.
Tooth snapping = Do I yank your food away while you're eatin'?
Panting = It's 101 degrees in the shade and you wanna' go joy ridin'?

'Course all those things can mean other stuff too which real, live, non-Brit dog people understand. And if any of 'em go on too long—like coughin' or pantin' or whinin'—it could mean we need to visit the local vet, screamin' or not. Wouldn't think you'd need a government agency to tell ya' that.

posted by Harrison at 4:42 PM