Name:Harrison Location:United States

The Original Lovable Little Fuzzball

Here's the straight stuff.

The adventures of Harrison are true.
Try a few of his Crunchy Bites for a taste.
--Alpha Human Mom

Sunday, December 21, 2008

On The Run…

…for those last-mintue treats for the bailout bag? Or maybe you're just lookin' to drive someone nuts with the "why-in-God's-name-would-someone-buy-this-thing" C-day gift.

Well, here's a goody

Lingerie for pets... no, it's not what you're thinking. Best Ever's "Love Pets Sexy Lingerie" are bra & panty chew toy sets available in your choice of black, pink or white. Padded in all the right places, the 2-piece pet pleasers make a squeaky sound when chomped upon—just like YOU would if you were wearing them.

They even come with a disclaimer:

Keep that in mind, ladies, should you be one who enjoys vacuuming, cooking or just lounging around in your undies - you don't want Fido or Fifi exercising their jaws on the wrong squishy toy.

Not somethin' we'll find in our stockings.

Now this has possibilities—a fully functional Miniature Medieval Catapult. They call it an executive desk toy, but I think it's a great way to pass out dog treats while makin' sure your canine works off the the calories at the same time. And if ya' happen to smack a fe-lyin' in the butt with an errant shot, consider it a bonus.

Speakin' of workin' off canine calories, this is a bit extreme even in a good economy.

Designed with the input of veterinarians, physical therapists, breeders and engineers, JOG A DOG is truly the best exercise system available for the most discriminating consumer.

The only people who can afford $1,200 for a jogadog are auto workers and Demo-cat legislators. 'Round here we take our exercise on the cheap and all at the same time with our "get-outta'-the-way-we're-comin'-thru" walk in the neighborhood.

Naturally if you're too lazy to walk your canine yourself, you're probably too lazy to let the poor clod outside on a regular basis too. Never fear. For a mere $300 you can ignore your canine completely by gettin' a Pet-a-Potty ($130 extra for the fire hydrant accessory). 'Course if ya' got a canine larger than a teacup, it'll cost ya' over $1,000, not to mention the replacement synthetic grass linings and the "Smell'U'Later" odor spray.

Our advice: get a cat. They're cheap and have no taste. In a pinch, they'll even er—pinch—their own gifts.

Frankie the tom cat has got his claws into 35 teddies and soft toys in the last year. Owner Julie Bishop believes the two-year-old feline is sneaking into her neighbours' homes. He drags each one of his finds through the catflap before depositing them on the same spot in the living room. […] 'They're all soft toys for cats I think. About 15 of them are all the same leopard. He doesn't really play with them. He dumps them down and goes out looking for something else.'

A true Demo-cat.

And speakin' of Demo-cats, this is the ultimate gift to remind all Demo-cat lovers where that political party resides...

Cat lovers, take a seat. An adorable kitten's face decorates your toilet lid; viewed from above, the matching rug completes the cat's body to hilarious effect.

And when ya' get tired of decoratin' your bathroom or embarrassin' your pet with fake antlers 'n angel wings, you can embarrass your car instead.

Complete with two antlers and a red nose for the front grill area, the Reindeer Car Costume Get Up will spread Christmas cheer across roads and highways wherever you may roam.

Every year there's a new fangled alarm clock under the tree that guarantees to get you up on time no matter how soundly you sleep. The Alarming Gun O'Clock plays on your frustration with that janglin' alarm by makin' ya' even more frustrated. Could make mornings reeeeeal interestin' in some concealed-carry states.

The Puzzle Alarm Clock claims "Nobody sleeps through this!"

It wakes you up by firing four puzzle pieces up in the air, and then it is your task to get the pieces and put them back in the alarm clock - it won't turn off until then.

Or until you rip the sucker outta' the socket.

This one, however, is my entry for the Most Evil Alarm Ever Invented: the Sonic Bomb Alarm.

If you're readin' this at the office and wanna' scare the shit outta' your co-workers—or get fired, whichever comes first—turn your speakers on high, insert industrial strength earplugs, and click this video.

That's almost better than a four-year-old on Christmas mornin'.

posted by Harrison at 12:08 AM


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