Tenne(don't)see

I remember readin' on one of the Homespun Bloggers' site (sorry, I can't remember which one) about all the idiocies that seem to be centered in Tennessee--usually involvin' canine abuse or indiscriminate discharge of firearms or both at the same time.

Now I don't know much about Tennessee. Been through the state once so I probably whizzed on a tree or two, but that's it. All I know is Silly Human Female decided it was a great place to be which is enough reason to add that state to my never-go-there-even-if-dyin' list.

It's a good thing, too, 'cause they're probably runnin' out of room--especially if this guy keeps eatin'.

"When it comes to burger binges, few are in the same league as Matt Ward. The 5-foot-11-inch, 360-pound Ward holds Krystal's current world record of downing 21 of the bite-size burgers in two minutes. The Murfreesboro meat-eater is tuning up for the biggest burger battle of his life: the eight-minute Krystal Square Off World Hamburger Eating Championship, with a first-place purse of 10 thousand bucks.

''I love 'em. I'm a big beef eater, and Krystal is probably one of my favorite hamburgers to eat. They're bite size. They're cheap, not too expensive, so I like it,'' said Ward, 24, a commercial salesman at O'Reilly Auto Parts in Franklin and the married father of two young sons."

Ah ha! Franklin! That's where SHF slunk off to. She's no Slim Suzy herself, so visitors better watch their step or they'll be flattened by all the flab floppin' around.

On the other paw, I don't even want to think about this guy somehow managin' to father two kids.

''It was my wife that got me started. She told me that I should go for the $100 first prize at Smyrna and to go do it for the fun of it,'' said Ward. ''So, now I'm going to the big show in November.''

So how big is his wife? Ya' know, AHM watches our diets like a hawk just so we stay healthy. (Contrary to popular belief, most canines I know do not gorge themselves on food until they barf. That's a rumor spread by fe-lyings.) This poor kitty poop's wife has gotta' be a fe-lyin' lover to be so, well, Machiavellian. Maybe ole' Mark should check the "fatness" of the life insurance policy his Missus took out on him.

"To the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE) — the governing body that promotes the sport, its eaters and their interests — the upcoming Super Bowl of burgers with its $17,500 purse (top prize and two runners-up) is a very big deal."

Sport? Eating is now a sport? Does the International Olympic Committee know this? And can you imagine the size of that "governing body?"

''It's the largest purse offered in the United States. For us, it's enormous, because it expands our league, the sport, and I think that the Southeast has been underrepresented,'' said IFOCE chairman George Shea."

This guy has one hell of a sense of humor. "Largest," "enormous," "expands our league." Good to know he's got his tongue in his cheek instead of wrapped around a Krystal Burger.

''The competitive eating community is highly focused, and there is enormous excitement among the eaters, who have been clamoring for a national hamburger circuit. The great eaters have already signed up: Cookie Jarvis, Badlands Booker and Sonya Thomas,'' said Shea, who puts the Krystal Square Off among the grand slam of IFOCE events. (The other three are Nathan's Famous Fourth of July Hot Dogs Contest at Coney Island, ACME Oyster Eating Contest in New Orleans and National Buffalo Wing Fest in Buffalo, N.Y.) The IFOCE will sponsor 70 events this year featuring overindulging of lobsters, watermelon, ribs, spinach, doughnuts and pizza.

I will never beg for rib bones again, I will never beg for rib bones again, I will never beg for rib bones…

"Shea estimates that eight of the major known eaters will wind up at the finals, but admits there will be dark horses in the running. ''This sport is wide open by rookies coming out of nowhere. You easily will have three or four come out of the blue and show great ability. It definitely will happen. There's plenty of talent out there that has yet to be discovered."

He should try recruitin' at the local Wal Mart, 'cause pound for pound they've got the biggest collection of rookie overeaters I've ever seen. (Explain to me why they all wear polyester stretch pants? Do none of them own mirrors? I'll tell ya', sometimes I'd like to have a terrier-cam just to video those bottoms from--er--the bottom up.)

"When Ward won at last year's Tennessee State Fair, he blew away seven competitors, eating 13 more burgers than his nearest foe."

Well, at least now we know why there are unexpected earthquakes in Tennessee.

''The money is a big part of the motivation, but the main thing for me is I love attention.''

Yeah, he's getting' attention all right. Probably has every coffin-maker in the country beatin' a path to his door.

"Meanwhile, he's training rigorously for the world championship. ''About once a week, I get a 24-pack of Krystals and go home and time myself. I also drink a lot of water, like two gallons back to back, to stretch my stomach. You have to get through the pain to win.''

Now there's a whole new meaning of the "No Pain, No Gain" mantra.

posted by Harrison at 3:21 PM