Name:Harrison Location:United States

The Original Lovable Little Fuzzball

Here's the straight stuff.

The adventures of Harrison are true.
Try a few of his Crunchy Bites for a taste.
--Alpha Human Mom

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Oh, Grow Up Already

Boy, does this guy have it wrong! And speaking of "growing-up"…why do all these people use the same insults? Not an original bone among the lot of 'em. (Or maybe they're all crabby 'cause they can't get the ole' bone to work?)

Whatever. I checked out the Jonah Goldberg article that's got this piece of kitty litter all upset and thought it was pretty good. But I'm a canine not a Demo-cat, so I'm smarter than he is.

"What a retarded analysis that was! But maybe I was more retarded for expecting something intelligent from an NRO column. If this were a perfect world, you'd be fixing faucets or something--not writing asinine articles for a living. Stop trying to pass off something stupid as something smart. Sophistry went out of style thousands of years ago."

Well, I had to have AHM look that up that word "sophistry." It means "plausible but fallacious argument." Damn dictionaries. Had to have her look up the meanin' of "fallacious," too. Imagine my surprise (not) when she said it means "tending to mislead or deceptive." So… If "sophistry" is like a thousand years old, what does that make Kerry? Two thousand? How else can he explain the fake Swift Boat Dog story he tried to paw off on the Humane Society people?

"Conservative a-holes like yourself always try to group dems together as one hyperactive glob of over-sensitive drones. You try to emasculate us and portray us as uncourageous. The fact of the matter is conservatives are the pussies."

A Demo-cat calling us pussies? Geeze! Has he taken a good, close-up look at Kerry recently?

"The conservative answer to any epidemic is a fire bomb. From pot plants to inner city crime to international poverty to… terrorism. You just want to drop firebombs all over the place because you're too afraid and too lazy to solve things the right way. I'll firebomb a terrorist any day of the week—but firebombing "terrorism" is a whole new gag, my weak-minded friend."

Gag? As in "hairball?" Didn't a weak-minded liberal Demo-cat firebomb a U.S. city once? Need to have AHM Google on that… Okay--Wilson Goode--mayor of Philadelphia firebombed the MOVE people. (No relation to MoveOn.org, I don't think)

"And your megalomaniacal "leaders" from Giuliani to Schwarzenegger to Bush—all taking pains to assume Athenian statuesque poses… give me a break! It's all a big farce. Or a big fart. Heroes, schmeroes. Anyone trying to be a hero is really just a pussy. Bush is a pussy. Arnold is a pussy. Hannity is the creamiest pussy. You are a pussy."

Now here this cathole really misses the litter box. (I knew a fe-lying who used to do that--scratchin' and scritchin' until he raised a major dust cloud--to hide his stupidity, no doubt--then squattin' very business-like--with his butt hangin' over the outside of the pan.)

Well, listen up hairball! It's Demo-cats who are pussies. Franco-Prussian Pussies, no less, spendin' all their time purring around lace-trimmed Vichy anklets beggin' for them to plunk their magic twangers, or rubbin' German jackboots like a raddled old French--ah--female poodle hopin' one or the other of them might toss off a big, slurpy kiss in the Demo-cats' direction.

"Go read your romance novels and spend the rest of your life trying to imitate every fictional protagonist you've ever heard about. Meanwhile, real Americans will try to solve real problems while gritting their teeth in the face of the over-romantic pussies attempting to elevate themselves by assassinating everyone else's character."

See what I mean about missin' the litter pan? That fe-lying I knew used to grit his teeth too--scrunched up his lips, whiskers flappin', grunted, huffed, got his tail straight up all quiverin' and twitchin' and spastic--then bam-o! He'd let the mess fly all over the floor. That pretty much sums up Demo-cats. Leavin' a mess all over the floor and hopin' someone else will clean it up.

"Love, Albert [Name and address withheld]"

Albert? Bert? Ha! Wonder if Ernie knows he's writin' this kind of stuff? Better watch out Alllll-bert. Someone might firebomb Sesame Street but Goode.

The Discerning Texan likes Jonah's ideas. "…in reading this piece, it was like this "aha" feeling came over me." He's got it about right.

posted by Harrison at 12:01 PM


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