The Rodney King School of Dog Day Care

I'll tell ya'--some humans are skatin' closer and closer to the razor's edge of insanity.

"Houston, TX-- Mari Lawson worried that Cousteau, her Great Dane, lacked social skills. So she tried to get him admitted to Urban Tails, a day-care center that encourages dogs to mingle and play. Ms. Lawson could hardly believe the admissions process. She had to fill out a four-page "dog personality profile," in which she disclosed that Cousteau barks at the mailman and dislikes "bums with shopping carts." She also wrote he has "sharing issues." He becomes "aggressive with toys and other dogs."

Just a small note here. A Great Dane is called "great" because they're effin' huge--the Incredible Hulk of dogdom. They don't have to have social skills or worry about "sharing issue" 'cause whatever they want they can have as far as I'm concerned. Just waggin' their tails could be called an aggressive act if you're a small dog standin' at the wrong end of a Great Dane.

Now Cousteau (and someone tell me why the woman named her dog after a scrawny little Frenchman?) gets an A+ in my book for dislikin' "bums with shopping carts." He's just doin' his job, you silly woman--protectin' you from derelicts, would-be muggers, and thieves. That is his personality profile.

"At the start of his interview, Cousteau failed to impress, leaving a puddle on the floor of Urban Tails' lobby. And he still awaited the heart of the evaluation: a "peer session" with other dogs that would test his "temperament" with sniffs, licks and the occasional roll on the ground. "I'm freaking out," said Ms. Lawson, a small-business consultant. "I feel like we're trying to get Cousteau into college here."

I figure Cousteau is already smarter than his owner--he's doin' what comes naturally. If Ms. Lawson freaks out, the odds are reeaaallly good Cousteau will join her. And you do not want to see a freaked out Great Dane.

"More doggie day cares actually are starting to take their cues from Harvard and Yale. They are instituting rigorous admissions standards as they strive to put together classes or play groups of well-behaved animals that don't growl, nip or bite."

PC dogdom. Geeze! Wise up you blithering idiots. Dogs are territorial. We see a flower bed we like, it's ours, so keep your damn pansy-rootin' nose out. We're gonna' disagree (with malice aforethought) whatever you humans say--'specially when we're all let loose to run in a yard. That's why God created water hoses.

"Day cares, selective and otherwise, are multiplying as more two-career families are unwilling to leave their pets home alone all day…"

Bit of free advice. If you're not gonna' be home all day--don't get a dog that will eat the sofa for a mid-afternoon snack! In fact--don't get a dog at all.

"Unlike kennels, which tend to keep dogs in solitary confinement most of the time, day cares promote mixing on lawns or in big playrooms because it enriches their social lives. Of course, that freedom can lead to mayhem if the dogs aren't carefully screened…

We do our own version of screenin'. It's called "findin' the Alpha dog and kissin' their butt." No human is gonna' make an Alpha dog play nice-nice with an Omega dog. This isn't the friggin' UN, people--'tho we are susceptible to bribes.

"Nearby, in Tomball [TX], three other candidates vied for admission to Miss Daisy's Dog Camp: Ghillie, an exuberant wheaten terrier; Molly, a laid-back cocker spaniel; and Chablis, a dainty bichon frisé… After an hour, Debbie Oliver, who runs the day care with her husband, Duane, broke the bad news to Ghillie's owner. "We can't take the chance she might hurt a little dog," Ms. Oliver said, adding that wheatens tend to be stubborn and ill-suited to day care. Ghillie's owner, Ann Hester, had suspected her dog might not make the cut. "She's not gifted," Ms. Hester said."

And Ms. Hester is not gifted with brains.

posted by Harrison at 8:36 PM