Danger at Our Dinnertable

Terrorists will join us at our Thanksgivin' feast, and they're being protected by our own government!

On the West Coast they chase cars and people at will.

On college campuses they stalk students in broad daylight.

On the East Coast they terrorize the elderly in their homes, children on the way to school, parishioners, mailmen, even construction workers!

In Middle America they're tryin' to hijack motorbikes, cars, and unsuspectin' joggers.

So who are these blatent terrorist agents operatin' without fear of retribution from Homeland Security?

Turkeys.

"Bird menacingly gobble-gobbles as it chases cars and people in a Sonoma County mobile home park."

Sounds like Al Franken forgot to take his meds again.

"Walking across [the Connecticut] campus has never been more dangerous. Landmines of goose feces cover the university grasslands, seagulls and parrots dive out of the sky at random, skunks threaten to expose their stench and, worst of all, students are now being stalked by turkeys."

Wonder what that quad smells like after a beer bash in the frat houses?

"The 85-year-old Concord [MA] woman was tiny, maybe 5 feet tall, sweet as can be, and just a little bit frail. The turkey was a full-grown tom. Three feet from spur to crown, pumped up on mating-season testosterone, fearless and rearing to defend his turf. Unfortunately for the octogenarian, that included her. The turkey had built a nest above her porch, staking his claim, and at some point decided she was part of it. No one could go into her house. No one could leave. As far as the turkey was concerned, the little old lady belonged to him. Period. End of conversation….

The letter carrier was the first to find out just how serious. He was chased away. Then a delivery boy bringing heart medication was given the bum's rush. When the elderly woman herself tried to leave the house, she was quickly shooed back inside. In the end, the turkey attacked the wrong guys. He went after a bunch of furniture movers who threw coffee at him, prompting the turkey to run into the street, where it was struck and killed by a car…"

Every turkey should be thoroughly basted with somethin'

"When Big Daddy bit the dust on Centre Street last year, suspicions of murder were rampant. After all, he was the leader of one of several brazen street gangs that have muscled into pockets of this horsy Boston suburb and held residents at ... beak point. Backpack-laden kindergartners struggle to catch school buses before territorial gobblers catch them; churchgoers, post-office patrons, and brawny construction workers are routinely held hostage in their cars by scolding toms; unsuspecting joggers are followed by trotting turkey shadows reminiscent of Jurassic Park raptors; rush-hour traffic can be stalled by bumper- pecking broods."

Well, that's a whole new take on "tailgatin'."

"In April, Will Millington was riding his dirt bike down a narrow trail in Norman, Okla., when he stopped before a flock of wild turkeys. The hens scattered, but two toms flared their feathers and stalked toward him. Then they suddenly leapt in the air, beat Mr. Millington with their wings and tried to scratch him with the sharp spurs on the backs of their legs. Mr. Millington frantically revved his bike's motor. Thirty yards down the trail he looked back. "They were running after me," says the 46-year-old property manager. "That was kind of spooky."

Yeah, like the ghost of Thanksgivings past.

"He's wild! He's a mad, mad turkey," resident Kevin Polumbo [of Lancaster County, PA] said.

"I just call him the attack turkey," resident Guy Wilson said…

If you're in a car -- you're fair game. "They'll run along side of 'ya and try to getcha," resident Carl Mohler said.

"The mailman says they follow him to the end of the road and chase him to every stop," resident John Wilson said. They're bold birds. [They spotted] a truck coming and [ran] right into the road. They almost got hit, but that doesn't faze them a bit. "They're still chasing him up the road," Wilson said.

Cue the theme from Deliverance.

"Last month, jogging on a back road in Massachusetts' Berkshire hills, Betsy Kosheff passed a farmers' field where farm-raised wild turkeys were pecking for grain. Suddenly about 30 of them took off after [her]. "It was like that scene in "The Birds" except there was no phone booth," says Ms. Kosheff, referring to the famous refuge in the Alfred Hitchcock movie. A passing friend stopped her pickup truck and Ms. Kosheff ran around it several times. The turkeys kept up the chase, although she says "they were too stupid to split up or change directions" to trap her. Finally, Ms. Kosheff got in the truck, where, she says, her friend "was laughing so hard she almost choked on her Dunkin' Donut."

Praise the Lord, pass the drumstick, and let's spend the day turnin' those turkey terrorists into turkey tetrazzini.

Photo by John Nordell, Christian Science Monitor staff

posted by Harrison at 12:27 AM