Savory Cuts With Sauce

And the "lazy human of the week" award goes to…—whoever buys this stuff.

"Quick and easy meals of beef stew, simmered chicken and roasted turkey garnished with carrots, rice and peas aren't just for humans anymore. For owners looking to feed their pets something other than the traditional canned and dry products, Beneful has launched a line of family-style prepared meals for dogs…"

Ya' do know it takes just about the same amount of time to do it yourself, don't ya'? It's a newfangled invention called the microwave oven. Wow. What'll they think of next? We always get veggies and rice and other good stuff with our kibble. We 'specially like the rice. Great for spittin' contests among the pups. (Side note: don't try spittin' the peas—too mushy. And hold out for raw carrots—ya' get at least an extra foot distance-wise.)

"One of the biggest trends we were seeing among pet owners was the desire for them to feed their dogs like they feed themselves," said Nina Leigh Krueger, Beneful's director of marketing and the "proud parent" of a 3-year-old Labrador retriever mix… The new product, which took three years to develop, is an effort to capitalize on what's called a "humanization" of American pets — or treating them in much the same way as humans would be treated.

Yea for capitalism—or as we call it, Wrestlin' for Dollars with silly humans. $1.59 for
10 oz. Helllloooo? Wanna' buy a bridge?

"Most of the pets I see, people treat them as members of their family," San Antonio veterinarian Stephen Lovelace said. "Nowadays, you see pets being seen more and more as child substitutes."

After watchin' the news this past week that's a big "well, d'uuuh."

"An estimated 83 percent of dog owners refer to themselves as their pet's mom or dad, according to Beneful's market research."

Considerin' it's like livin' with a life-long two-year-old, why not? Besides, we're generally better behaved than your average kid (if ya' ignore that spittin' business) and you can put us in a pen when ya' have to go out. Child Protective Services sorta' frowns on doin' that with human pups.

"Ninety percent of people say they would not date someone who isn't fond of their pet,…"

Like we'd let 'em, right?

"…59 percent of celebrate their pet's birthday,…"

Any excuse for a party.

"…and 40 percent carry a photo of their pet with them at all times."

That's cause I’m lots cuter than your newborn grandbaby.


Speakin' of which, too bad people don't have to get a licence for havin' a human kid.

"Dog-owners are being encouraged to take a "driving licence" for their animals to improve relations between humans and canines… In a 150-question, multiple-choice written examination owners in Vienna are to be challenged on topics such as why a dog wags its tail, what it means when it yawns, and whether it is a good idea to take it on a shopping excursion.

'Cause it's there, 'cause you did, and only to the pet store.

"In the practical part of the exam, owners are put through their paces, having to prove they can put on a muzzle, pick up droppings and take the dog on the underground system. The licence, a "hundeführerschein," was introduced by Vienna's environmental councillor, Ulli Sima.

Can I put a muzzle on her and take her underground?

"The £18 licence is in response to a recent questionnaire in which 85 per cent of Viennese said the behaviour of dogs and their owners was poor…"

And 100% of the world said the behaviour of Austrian Führers was evil.

"Owners who pass the driving licence will be exempt from the £32 dog tax for a year."

So. How much is the friggin' CAT TAX, hmmmmm?


For fishy fun, find your finny friend a Fish School! No, not a school of fish—a fish school.

"Train your pet fish to perform cool tricks! Swim through hoops, jump, limbo, eat from your hand—even play soccer."

They've even got a school song. Cap and gown extra.

(Note to AHM: You're gonna' need some new speakers.)

posted by Harrison at 12:32 AM