Johnny on the Spot
I'll let everyone else do the fancy analysis of how he massages his message 'cause all we need to know 'round here is that McPain was the co-author of Campaign Finance Reform. But for those who need more, ya' might wanna' think twice 'bout a man who's tryin' to be all things to all people. Just look at the list of non-human companions he's collected if ya' don't believe me.
For the East Coast elites as well as Second Amendment people, Sam the English springer spaniel is a rare twofer. A Springer took Best in Show in 2007 at Westminster and they're known as gun dogs. He's probably tryin' to show his good Republican roots as well by havin' the same breed as George W. Bush. Doesn't wanna' seem outa' touch with the common voter of flyover country, though, so Coco the mutt covers that base. There's even a nice story out there 'bout how Johnny saved Coco from chokin' to death. (The family has three other canines as well.)
Now, since McPain did, after all, work with Demo-cat Russ Feingold on that infamous "reform" thingy, ya' know he's gotta' keep 'em happy by ownin' a fe-lyin', a black and white named, a bit obviously, Oreo. 'Nuf said.
Even though Bar-ack! probably has the little old lady vote sewn up, thanks to Oprah, Johnny's makin' a bid for his share with not one but three parakeets. Can't say I've ever done the stick-your-nose-up-the-tail-feathers investigation of parakeets 'cause AHM seems to think I'd consider 'em lunch. But the only people AHM knows who have parakeets are little old ladies ('cept for one little old lady who doesn't like anything, fish, fowl, canine or fe-lyin').
Movin' right along, for the few weasily big-government-what's-yours-is-mine-and-I-get-to-supervise-everything-you-do types who might be lookin' his way, McPain has included a ferret in his collection. I've only known two ferrets in my time, but considerin' we were all on leashes there wasn't much activity on either side—if ya' don't count all the barkin' and chitterin'.
Finally, there's the turtles, Cuff and Link. Maybe Johnny's keeps 'em around to show he's a conservationist, since some turtles are near to bein' endangered. Then again, maybe they're just left over from his kids' Teeage Mutant Ninja Turtles phase.
Whew. This political analysis gig is getting' tough, 'specially when you're dealin' with someone who 1) can't make up his mind to hold one position and 2) is tryin' like mad to keep everybody happy.
posted by Harrison at 11:15 PM