Come to the Cabaret…

I came, I saw, I have a hangover…

Dancing dogs take their partners for centre's canine cabaret night"

"You may not fancy the idea of a tango with a terrier or a polka with a poodle but it wouldn't faze the 200 animal lovers who flocked to a pet care centre in Leeds."

Tango with a terrier? Reality check here. This terrier don't tango! I tangle--and I only tangle with pseudo-studs and fe-lyings who try to move in on my territory. And the occasional hot babe who visits for my attentions…

"Many of them have been literally swept off their feet by their four-legged friends in a doggy-dancing craze which has seen bow-wows bop to anything from Riverdance to Hound Dog. Leading the panting dance troupe in the three-hour "Canine Cabaret Night" at the newly-opened Mypetstop in Tingley was celebrity trainer Mary Ray."

Ooooo. I'm all tingly at the thought of a bow-wow bop… (Okay, sorry. It was too easy.)

"Mrs Ray first began using musical routines to teach dogs obedience in 1990. Since then her "heel to music" techniques have been demonstrated at top dog show Crufts and on numerous TV programmes, including recent hit series Faking It. She and her husband-manager, Dave Ray, estimated there were at least 1,000 dogs dancing in the UK."

Ya' know, once upon a time the sun never set on the British Empire. Now we know why the sun went down. Embarrassment.

"[Mrs. Ray] insisted that her canine choreography did not degrade dogs and that it was not unusual behaviour for dogs to stand on their hind legs. "When people dance around their rooms at home most dogs try and join in," she said, "and getting up on their back legs is quite natural for them."

This lady has it soooo wrong. First, AHM doesn't dance around her rooms. (Okay, she did a couple of times when she was watching that Richard Simmons "Sweatin' to the Oldies" video, but the pups and me handled that. Note for future reference: video tape is much harder to bite through than originally expected--it stretches.)

Second, it is not natural for me to get up on my back legs unless there's a cute babe involved. And displaying my swag for all to see? Not that it isn't impressive, mind you, but finding a raincoat in my size is a bitch.

"The owner of six dogs herself, Mrs Ray said border collies were the quickest to learn steps, golden retrievers looked "nice and stylish" when they got going and poodles loved to act the clown anyway. And Great Danes did a great Scooby Do routine."

Border collies again! I told you they were suck-ups. French poodles? Hell! Where's that groundhog when you need him? As far as Great Danes… From what I've heard, that Scooby Do dog is a total embarrassment to them. And golden retrievers are "nice and stylish?" Suuurre they are--like Chewbacca doing the cha-cha.

"…Beryl Naden, of Kippax, said she would not be dancing in the street with her borderline [sic] terrier Jess just yet. [I think the writer meant border terrier.] The pet-lover, in her sixties, said she and her pet had tried dancing together to Mozart. She said: "We only did it once and we weren't very good at all. But we enjoyed it and will try it again."

On the other paw, they're both "borderline" if they were trying out the minuet. Imagine Miss Marple and Benji…

"…Dorothy Harvey…said she already sang to her dogs so jiving round the room with them certainly would not be a problem. ["Jiving round the room?" Someone hose this writer down, please.] "We have just got a new Cavalier King Charles puppy. He's a bright little thing but I'm not sure which music we'll do it to," she said."

He's a fop. But hey, anything is possible. Dim the lights, put out some fresh-dried liver, and try Ravel's Bolero. That's one of my favorites to "do it to."

"…Mrs Ray is…due to visit the US, New Zealand, Australia and South Korea – where a training centre has been set up at the Seoul headquarters of electronics company Samsung to try to change attitudes in the country towards man's best friend."

Oh damn. That's all we need to do! Drive Kim Chong-il into dropping a big one over the border.

posted by Harrison at 12:14 PM