Meanwhile, Back at the ALGore (TN) Trailer Park…

Too much "cuteness" made the wolf crack.

"Couple's concrete pigs stolen; thieves demanding ransom

"Two concrete porkers, each about 1 foot tall, were taken from the Romineses' yard sometime between June 26 and the early morning hours of June 27, according to police records.

"The first ransom note demanded two ears of corn and one ripe mango, said police spokeswoman Kate Novitsky. Mary Romines found the ransom note tacked to the front gate of their home in A and L Trailer Park. Her husband, Bobby Romines, called police. The note requested that Mary Romines deliver the ransom at the front gate of the mobile home park. Mary Romines just wants the pigs returned unharmed, she said. [Emphasis mine]

"The pig statues were taken from her front yard, around a birdbath and beneath an arch surrounded by other cement swine brethren and chickens. The chickens were moved but not stolen.

Ya' know, I can sympathize with the swine swipers. There's a place up the street AHM calls the "Cute House." The only way to describe the place is that it looks like there was an explosion at a crafts fair and all the crap landed in one yard. If it's cute, country, crafty, and cloying they have it—and plunked it down somewhere on their lawn. It actually makes you wish for a return to pink plastic flamingos.

"One pig is presumably male, sporting blue overalls, while the other is presumably female, decked out in a pink dress.

Definitely a "cuteness" crisis. Last Easter the "Cute House" had a big fiberglass-painted-to-look-like-stone bunny pushing a child’s antique wheelbarrow full of plastic eggs with a row of baby bunnies following behind. Painted chicks and ducks and geese scurried through the flower beds and a mass of lilies (probably fake) was arranged around a large, plastic-flowered cross like I've marked in cemeteries. A tree was hung with multi-colored eggs in a bizarre echo of a Christmas tree, and small wreaths full of those barfing plastic eggs and bright pink bows were hung on every window.

All that was in addition to the usual stuff--folk art flags painted on pieces of old barn siding, folk art flowers painted on pieces of old barn siding, and folk art heart and duck shapes cut out of pieces of old barn siding. Then there's a miniature lighthouse with rotating light, a wooden highchair and a child's wagon both holding a pot of some flowers or other, and little garden flags flappin' butt high all over the place. (My butt, not AHM's. Get too close and you get a nasty flap burn.)

The only time I ever got near the front door was one Halloween when I took the pups trick-or-treating. They got totally spooked when they saw two hands sticking up from the top of a tree stump. Barked for a full thirty seconds until I figured out it was a fake-stone bird feeder on a small pedestal and shut them up. 'Course they were so embarrassed they had to almost drown the ceramic bunny-holding-a-watering-can beside the front stoop. Like AHM asked, how many mail-order catalogues had been sacrificed on this altar of "cuteness?"

Now you tell me… If you had to look at that mess of "cuteness" day in and day out, wouldn't you kidnap something?

"On Monday, the Romineses received a cooked pork chop with a note that said, ''cooked the pig.'' Tuesday night, the ''pignappers'' left the Romineses another letter, this time attached to a bag of pork rinds asking if she was scared. The letter demanded a potato, and the note was signed from ''the big bad wolf.''

Gotta' side with the wolf here--canines run together, doncha'know.

Dug up at Dave Barry's Blog.

MORE: Mr. Minority has an interesting take. (Now, if he'd just ditch the fe-lying…)

posted by Harrison at 1:22 PM