Girl-illa My Dreams…

[You do know that joke is at least 97 years old--or 679 in dog years--AHM]
[Yeah, well I didn't hear you coming up with anything better--H]

This guy really needs my advice.

"A gorilla sex video is getting regular play at New Orleans' Audubon Zoo. It's not the sort of video found all too easily on the Internet, but sex education for a gorilla guy who grew up in a bachelor crowd. Twenty-one-year-old Casey came to New Orleans two years ago on permanent loan from the Como Zoo in St. Paul, Minnesota.

"The hope was that he might impregnate one or all of the Audubon Zoo's three female lowland gorillas - Binti and Fanya, both 28 years old, and Binti's 8-year-old daughter, Praline. Curator Dan Maloney says the females really like Casey -- but he gets a little intimidated by them. He says one problem may be that Casey had been living only with other male gorillas."

Okay--AHM says I can't go there in case the French are listening. So…

Listen here, Case old man. First you've got to talk to those zoo people. Tell 'em you need privacy and a double bed with fancy sheets. Or a king size bed, maybe. Insist on it. And music, of course--not videos. You don't want her comparing you to those buff XXX movie studs. (I'm partial to "Venus" from The Planets, but In the Halls of the Mountain King might fit your situation better.)

Yeah, I've been at this business for years and let me tell you, ya' gotta' woo the bitch--er--girl-illa. (Shut up, AHM.) Don't let her intimidate you--you got what she wants, boyo. A little macho chest-thumping is what you need to do. (Just remember to thump yours, not hers.)

Take your time. Use some finesse, some foreplay. Grunt a few sweet nothings into her ear while you groom her head. Don't just dive straight in to the heavy stuff. Oh, and no matter what they're showin' you on that T.V., don't go for the three-fer. That will only lead to major trauma--yours.

Dug up at Dave Barry's Blog.

posted by Harrison at 10:38 AM