Smart-Ass Pups
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog isn't bad enough? What an effin' embarrassment he is--getting thrown out of Canada and the Demo-cat convention.
No--it isn't. It's the humans, stupid! Why don't you feed them the new and improved Eukanuba? Then they won't let their dogs 1) romp the neighborhood streets and lawns (collarless and tagless) at will, 2) bark endlessly because they've been left alone for 12 hours at a time, or 3) chew up anything and anyone within reach of their jaws.
Oh good. So if there's a maze between them and the outside door, they'll be housebroken in no time.
Well, I'll take their word for it, but I think it's all in the genes. Did all those pups have the same parents? Genetic manipulation isn't only for humans, ya' know. I've seen my share of really dumb dogs during my time in show business, and believe me, nine times out of ten it's because they're just not well bred. Suppose I should say they're bred for looks not smarts--sort of Anna-Nicole-Smith-meets-Adam-Sandler in the brains department. (No comment on the looks of that combination.)
Now I was bred for both (as you can tell) and my pups were the same. (Heddy was the exception that proved the rule, but I think that was because she hung out too much with Silly Human Female. Stupidity apparently is catching.)
Suffice it to say my kids were always real pistols. One bunch scared the shit out of AHM and me at a show. We were in the Group ring, doin' our thing, and the pups were in their pen about 100 yards away under a tree. Suddenly people are hollerin' "loose dogs" and we look up to see all four of the brats streaking across the field, noses to the ground, headed straight for us. Thank God a friend was sitting ringside with Grand Dam Bitch smack between them and us. When the pups paused to say hello, they got grabbed. Could've ruined my career, the little buggers.
AHM said later if they'd gotten into the ring she was going to pretend she didn't know them and yell "loose Yorkies." (Yeah, I know. How to make Grouchy Old Yorkie Lady even grouchier, right?) 'Course I would have smacked them silly on the spot--if the rest of the group didn't do it first. Terrier egos don't take kindly to getting gang tackled by a bunch of wet-behind-the-ears pups. You get the canine equivalent of Teresa Heinz-Kerry answering that reporter from Pittsburgh, only with lots of teeth involved.
Bottom line--I don't need my pups being fed anything that will make them smarter! But if they're offerin'--Silly Human Female could use some.
posted by Harrison at 10:33 PM
P&G Markets Pet Food to Make Puppies Smarter
"Cincinnati (AdAge.com) -- Pet food marketers have promised brighter coats, fresher breath and much more over the years, but Procter & Gamble Co. may be staking the biggest claim yet -- that reformulated Eukanuba makes puppies smarter."
[…]
"Eukanuba claims that increased levels of the Omega 3 fatty acid DHA in its food makes puppies easier to train by improving cognitive performance, targeting the No. 1 reason dogs are abandoned, sent to shelters and euthanized, said Dan Carey, veterinary researcher for P&G. “In the United States,” he said, “bad behavior kills more dogs than any single disease.”
No--it isn't. It's the humans, stupid! Why don't you feed them the new and improved Eukanuba? Then they won't let their dogs 1) romp the neighborhood streets and lawns (collarless and tagless) at will, 2) bark endlessly because they've been left alone for 12 hours at a time, or 3) chew up anything and anyone within reach of their jaws.
"P&G thoroughly vetted its claim. It tested 39 beagles in simple H-shaped mazes, where they were conditioned to find treats by following a path marked by a circle or square over the course of 30 days. Then, they were retrained the following 30 days with the symbols reversed.
Oh good. So if there's a maze between them and the outside door, they'll be housebroken in no time.
"About 70% of pups on the enhanced-DHA diet passed the test, compared to about 35% of pups on typical-DHA diets. Success was defined as going the right direction 80% of the time on two successive days in each version of the maze. “That’s a huge difference, which gives us great confidence it’s quite meaningful,” Mr. Carey said."
Well, I'll take their word for it, but I think it's all in the genes. Did all those pups have the same parents? Genetic manipulation isn't only for humans, ya' know. I've seen my share of really dumb dogs during my time in show business, and believe me, nine times out of ten it's because they're just not well bred. Suppose I should say they're bred for looks not smarts--sort of Anna-Nicole-Smith-meets-Adam-Sandler in the brains department. (No comment on the looks of that combination.)
Now I was bred for both (as you can tell) and my pups were the same. (Heddy was the exception that proved the rule, but I think that was because she hung out too much with Silly Human Female. Stupidity apparently is catching.)
Suffice it to say my kids were always real pistols. One bunch scared the shit out of AHM and me at a show. We were in the Group ring, doin' our thing, and the pups were in their pen about 100 yards away under a tree. Suddenly people are hollerin' "loose dogs" and we look up to see all four of the brats streaking across the field, noses to the ground, headed straight for us. Thank God a friend was sitting ringside with Grand Dam Bitch smack between them and us. When the pups paused to say hello, they got grabbed. Could've ruined my career, the little buggers.
AHM said later if they'd gotten into the ring she was going to pretend she didn't know them and yell "loose Yorkies." (Yeah, I know. How to make Grouchy Old Yorkie Lady even grouchier, right?) 'Course I would have smacked them silly on the spot--if the rest of the group didn't do it first. Terrier egos don't take kindly to getting gang tackled by a bunch of wet-behind-the-ears pups. You get the canine equivalent of Teresa Heinz-Kerry answering that reporter from Pittsburgh, only with lots of teeth involved.
Bottom line--I don't need my pups being fed anything that will make them smarter! But if they're offerin'--Silly Human Female could use some.
posted by Harrison at 10:33 PM
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