Kibbles 'n Bits®

One day last summer Buck Wolf of ABC News decided to paw through all the stuff out there designed to make us canines happier and spiffier--or not, as the case may be. 'Course I don't need any extras, but for those less fortunate--or for those whose Alphas have bouts of Omega silliness that get crossed with their momentary lack of financial prudence--here's what's available.

Naturally heading off the list is what I like to call the "Kerry Enhancers" otherwise known as "Neuticles" for the anatomically altered. Now you can buy 'em with little microchips inside so when your candidate--er--companion--flips and flops, wanders in rhetorical circles, and generally can't figure out which way he's headin', you can find him again. If you want to.

"Restoring and Recovering a Neutered Friend: If you otherwise treat your pet as an equal, you may have mixed feelings when it comes to neutering. But dog lovers — like so many others people these days — have been turning to plastic surgery for relief. Since 1995, more than 100,000 dogs in 32 countries have received Neuticles — prosthetic testicular implants that give dogs — or perhaps just their owners — the feeling that nothing's changed."

I probably shouldn't put these two paragraphs one right after the other, but what the hell.

Lie Down With Dogs: "Don't be embarrassed. If you're a typical American, you've probably slept with a few dogs … and had a tail-waggin' good time.

"Oh Tempora! Oh Mores!"* I blame radical left-wing felyings.

"Pull back the covers and you'll find that 41 percent of dog owners share their bed with their shaggy pals, according to a marketing survey by the American Pet Products Manufacturing Association."

Now I sleep with AHM, but I'm only a foot tall, 20 pounds, and keep to my side of the bed. (She claims I snore, but I'm not buyin' it.) When SHF was around, Haley slept on her bed. Well, took over her bed was more like it. See, Haley was always a greedy little bitch who wanted it all, especially if it was someone else's. That's probably why she hung around SHF so much--but I digress… One night AHM and me were just getting' ready to climb into the sack when there was a God-awful thump from the upstairs bedroom.

We raced up the stairs thinkin' all sorts of things. I was all ready to take on a second story man and AHM had the portable phone ready to call 911 when we burst into SHF's room--to find SHF scramblin' back into her bed. After a nearly incomprehensible question and answer session--tough to understand humans when one is laughin' uncontrollably and the other is mumblin' into a pillow--the truth was revealed. Haley had kicked SHF out of bed.

AHM has a whole notebook full of snide comments and raunchy jokes about that incident. But there is a way to keep your canine (or felying, if you must) happy.

"Beautyrest for the Dog Tired: Maybe your spouse gave you an ultimatum, "It's me or the dog." After all, not everyone wants to sleep with a panting, howling beast that drinks from the toilet.

Women, add bad joke here. Now continue.

"Fear not. Even if you and your pet can't share the same bed, you can still share the same mattress. The Simmons Beautyrest mattress — with its patented individual pocketed coils — is now available in three doggie sizes, and can be dressed up in specially fitted sheets to match your breed's coloring, from chocolate Lab to black-and-white Dalmatian."

Next--just in time for Christmas. At least this suggestion beats the raindeer antlers and the "Ho, Ho, Ho Y'all" tee shirts. Don't ask.

"Canine-Coordinated Fashion: If it's really important for you and your dog to wear matching attire, Land's End may have the answer. The retailer now offers several lines of sweaters in adult, child and infant/toddler sizes, as well as five canine sizes. Imagine an idyllic Christmas with every member of the family — Fido included — sporting a festive reindeer sweater. Now that's a holiday photo."

When AHM was really into the business of dog shows and we were really into the business of reproducin' ourselves, she would have a professional photographer take our pictures every Christmas then send 'em out on calendars. Yeah, true confession time--I was a pin-up dog…

Normally AHM is pretty good about not makin' us look silly, but sometimes I think her brain gets taken over by…by…by a felyin'! One year I narrowly missed wearin' wings, a halo, and singin' Christmas carols when I picked a fight with my half-brother. Got left at home for bein' pissy.

Now here's why some dogs need liposuction…

"Bringing Up Baby: Just like any proud parent, you can now push your dog around in a specially designed stroller. Just beware when confused passers-by greet you with the old pleasantry, "My, that baby looks just like you."

And last but not least--somethin' you readers will never need with me around.

"Barking Translation Services: What would your dog say if he could speak?… Bowlingual matches your dogs "woofs," "arfs" and "arooos" to a handheld database that offers different interpretations for different breeds, because everyone knows how snooty French poodles get when their caviar bowl is empty. The Bowlingual's "Home Alone" mode records what your dog is thinking while you're at work…

Not much. But if Haley starts one more chorus of "99 Beef Ribs Were Thrown in the Trash" I'm gonna' kill her.


*Poem by Edgar Allen Poe.

posted by Harrison at 11:57 PM