Alls Well That Ends Well
"Earle Hollings could hardly sleep when he heard the news. The Shih Tsu he lost in a messy separation with his wife was coming home. A woman called Hollings on Thursday night to say she'd had his dog, Thor, for nearly two weeks.
"Stasha Hollings, Earle's wife of 30 years, gave the dog away because she was moving into an apartment where dogs aren't allowed. She said no one told her Earle Hollings wanted the dog, so she handed him off to a stranger she saw outside."
Can't say Shih Tsus are among my top ten canine breeds--yappy, hairy, nippy little suckers. My first memory of meetin' a Shih Tsu was at a dog show, waitin' to go into the ring after a bunch of 'em. The Best of Breed was a snotty little twit, probably puttin' on the swagger to make up for his handler, an honest-to-God monster of a woman--we're talkin' Bigfoot, people--wearin' red stretch pants, white tank top, and pink plastic hair curlers. You haven't lived 'til you've seen a sight like that, and once it's burned on your retinas you're not too sure you wanna' live afterward. We were so embarrassed for him havin' to be seen with that thing, none of us took up his challenge.
So I'm figurin' the ex-Mrs. Hollings probably looked like that handler. Claimin' she didn't know the guy wanted his pal and passin' him off like a used squeaky toy is pretty low and ya' don't get much lower than 300 pounds of red stretch pants, white tank top, and pink plastic hair curlers lumberin' around in circles with a ten pound dust mop on a leash.
'Course humans are the most spiteful bunch of animals out there. Sure I've gotten my nose out of joint a time or two and left a pile in protest, shall we say. And Heddy's a neurotic bitch, but she got that from Silly Human Female. Then there was the time Dad ripped the shit out of his dog bed when AHM was late pickin' him up at the dog sitters...
Okay, okay… We're brats sometimes. But you're supposed to be the ones with consciences and souls and all that spiritual awareness stuff, while we're the soulless drones wanderin' in ignorance. (Believe me, I intend to have a little chit-chat with God about that idea when I see Him.)
Still--for out and out planned lowness--you humans definitely take the Dentabone®.
posted by Harrison at 7:19 PM