The Truth About Cats' (Owners) and Dogs' (Owners)

Compare this…

"From the outside, Ruth Knueven's Mount Vernon home has real charm: a verdant lawn, manicured hedges, flowers blossoming from fresh mulch beds and, near the front door, a garden ornament depicting two playful cats. But police said that what lurked inside Knueven's two-story home was hardly so delightful.

"Hidden behind that garden ornament was a house bursting with real cats. Animal control officers removed 273 creatures -- 86 of them dead -- after neighbors complained vehemently of odors Friday. Cats were still being plucked from the house yesterday, extracted from the walls and from deep within the brick chimney. Traps were set.

"I don't know how they got in there," Fairfax County police officer Richard Henry said of the hidden cats…

"Police said the cat cache wasn't so isolated. Two weeks ago, police were called to the Falls Church home of Jane Baldinger, 58. They removed 88 cats -- 29 of them dead -- and a dog." [Poor sod didn't have a chance…]

…and this:

"Not too long ago, Labrador retrievers were considered a tad exotic. In the 1950s, the sporty mid-size breed was a suburban rarity, popular mainly among upper-crust Anglophiles who liked the idea of owning a dignified hunting dog. Today, however, Labs are the Levi's jeans of purebred dogs. They've topped the American Kennel Club's list of registered canines for 12 years straight…

"So how did the affable, otter-tailed Lab become the nation's No. 1 purebred dog? Its ascent may have something to do with the supersizing of the American home… [T]he Labrador's increasing popularity may be tied to the advent of exurbs and McMansions. Since 1971, the average size of an American home has risen 55 percent, to 2,320 square feet. Families aren't having more children to fill up the extra space, so there's plenty of room for a Labrador to romp around…"

Note that's one Labrador, not 273.

"But the trend toward jumbo dogs doesn't quite explain why the Labrador retriever is far more popular than other big breeds. The simple answer is that dog owners are mimics: Instead of studying up on breeds that might meet their particular needs, they tend to copy the dog-buying habits of the people down the street."

'Course all of that just goes to show how unique I am.

Canines are a fashion statement and status symbol of a solid, conservative life. Even Bill Clinton tried to pretend he was a dog person by gettin' a Labrador. Unfortunately poor Buddy met a suspicious early demise while the Clinton's were off spreadin' more liberal manure.

AHM says back in the 40s (not that she's old enough to remember, of course, but it's what she was told) all the rage was a white picket fence and a collie in the yard--no doubt a result of all those Lassie movies. Before that it was wire fox terriers, thanks to Asta and The Thin Man. Now it's chihuahuas ridin' around in purses. Next it'll be somethin' else. Hey, I never said you humans made sense. If ya' did, we would be the #1 breed in the world.

In spite of that, it just goes to show real canine owners understand responsibility (you try housebreakin' a labrador!) while fe-lyin' owners are… Well… They let all their squishy liberal emotions run rampant when they see that ball of fur--forgettin' it will be hackin' up balls of fur all over the furniture and trackin' used kitty litter into the beddin' for the rest of its unnatural life. Nothin' more excitin' than findin' a fe-lyin' perched on your pillow lickin' its butt.

But hey, on the up side, they can leave the little menace to its own devices whenever they wanna' spend some quality time on the protest circuit.

[Thanks to Human Female Meryl for diggin' up the dog info, although we could have done without the "copycat" comment.]

posted by Harrison at 8:12 AM