Humpin' the Ole' Gray Lady's Leg
Sam was so mad he whizzed off a letter to the NYT. Me, I like to give the Ole' Gray Lady's leg a more thorough humpin'.
UPDATE: I delinked the story only 'cause now the NYT wants ya' to pay to read this. But here it is in its entirety.
Internet's Best Friend (Let Me Count the Ways)
by Sarah Boxer
She's talkin' 'bout fe-lyings!
"On the Web you'll find the Infinite Cat Project but no Infinite Dog. My Cat Hates You is big on the Web, but there is no site named My Dog Hates You. (Dogs Hate Bush exists, but then so does Cats Hate Bush.) As any good Web hound can tell you, Rathergood.com is filled with crazy crooning cats. But where, oh where, are the singing dogs? (New Guinea singing dogs, a real breed, do not count.)"
Well, my kid Hem sings and plays the piano. Any cats out there do that--aside from occasionally walkin' up and down the keyboard just to get on everyone's last nerve? Now I love my kid but I sure as hell wouldn't inflict him on the entire blogosphere. It's bad enough listenin' to him at home. So why does anyone (other than a Demo-cat liberal New York artsy-fartsy style writer) think listenin' to yowlin' fe-lyings is a good thing?
"Cats are the Web's it-animals. They're everywhere. When you look up Devil Cats, you'll see comics about cat owners who love too much and the cats that cheat on them."
And Hillary is the Demo-cat's "it-animal." What do ya' expect a Devil Cat Demo-cat to do except cheat? They do it every time--promise a tax cut--hand out a tax hike.
"Look up Devil Dogs, and you'll be offered apparel for the Marine Corps and information about Drake's cakes."
That makes perfect sense to me. Marines and chocolate cake. What's not to love?
"Under the heading "Animal Antics," ifilm.com has four "Viral Videos" of cats, none of dogs. There are tons of badly drawn cats at www.tiddles.co.uk, but there's no such site for dogs."
Again, what's the news here? I've told ya' before that fe-lyings carry viruses that kill humans, so of course there'd be "Viral Videos" of cats. And, considerin' the material they have to work with, who could draw a decent picture of a cat--'cept maybe Jackson Polecat--er--Pollock?
"Sure, there are dog sites aplenty, including fanciers' sites, funny sites and even an occasional hoax site, like thedogisland.com. But most don't have the buzz of Infinite Cat or Rathergood."
Ya' might wanna' have your hearin' checked. That buzz could be tinnitus.
"Why cats and not dogs?"
There's no accountin' for perverted humans who actually enjoy lookin' at pictures of cats lookin' at computer monitors. All it does is prove fe-lyings are nothin' but narcissistic pussies which everyone already knew. It's not like they can actually see anything, whatever their owners claim.
"Perhaps mycathatesyou.com will provide a clue. This site, founded in 2000, offers what it calls "the largest collection of sour-faced, indignant felines on the Internet." There you can see a squinty-eyed, snaggletoothed cat named Guapo, who appears ready to tear someone's head off. If you posted a picture of a dog as scary as that, no one would laugh. They would send for the dogcatcher."
'Cause they know a canine means serious business when they give ya' a "squinty-eyed, snaggletoothed" look. When a fe-lyin' looks that way, he's just plannin' to hack up a furball on your clean bed.
(Continued in Read the Rest!)
"Now take a look at Litterboxcam.com, where a live camera is trained on the litter boxes of two cats, Grey and Black. Every 60 seconds the image is refreshed. Counting down to zero and waiting for the cats to come into the frame is strangely and annoyingly suspenseful."
Did I use the word "perverted" before? Change that to "seriously sicko." Puttin' a live camera (or three) in a room, hopin' a fe-lyin' will do something cute, like play with a catnip mouse, is one thing. I always figured it was kinda' like you humans givin' a friend one too many drinks just to watch 'em turn into an ass. But to sit around waiting for a cat to crap and find it "strangely and annoyingly suspenseful" tells me you got some serious head shrinker issues. I recommend you make an appointment with one of these guys immediately! They've already dug through the litter pan of pet bloggers, so they're experienced.
"But if you Google poop and dog, you'll be led to a site called smellypoop.com/photogallery.html, which is more disgusting than funny. Or you may find the story of the "dog poop girl," also known as the "puppy poo girl," or in Korean "gae-ttong-nyue," which, believe it or not, is also not funny.
"This is her story. Last month a woman let her dog relieve itself on the subway in Seoul. She was caught, by a cellphone camera, doing nothing about it. Within days, her picture, her identity, her family's identity and her past were revealed to the world on the Web. She quit her university in shame. "The Washington Post" and "The Columbia Journalism Review" weighed in. On Wikipedia there's already a "dog poop girl" entry logged, and a movement to delete it."
AHM's always sayin' "consider the source" when somethin' like that hits the news. Okay--WaPo, Columbia, Wikipedia. I think we all know about their anti-canine bias. Add the NYT and Ms. Sarah Boxer's little screed becomes understandable. And while we're at it, can we discuss that name? Is it real? I doubt it. Probably made it up just to pretend she's a "dog person" at heart. Either that or she's hopin' to catch the notice of Demo-cat Barbara Boxer. Arrrrggghh! Maybe she's a relative! Talk about hackin' up a friggin' hairball...
"Interesting, yes, but not funny. Maybe the difference is that dogs are public, everyone's business. They go on subways and they go in parks. They are always caught in flagrante defecato. Cats stay home. They are private, nobody's business. To watch them in their homes is a privilege. They are perfect for the Web, the medium of voyeurs."
And they should stay nobody's business. Who effin' cares about the "privilege" of watchin' a fe-lyin' poop? 'Cept maybe a bunch of effite, catty, NYT style page writer types.
"For example, go to the "Educational Videos" on zefrank.com, where you can catch the cat named Annie B., also called Mooshie, in 15 different scenarios, including one in which she re-enacts the shower scene in "Psycho." It's special. It's intimate."
It would definitely further my education to see a fe-lyin' play out the shower scene of "Psycho" for real, but it ain't "special," lady. As for "intimate," there's no such word in the fe-lyin' vocabulary. Remember, these are the beings that plop themselves down anywhere they please and start lickin' their butts. Nothin' perks up a Manhattan society dinner party faster than seein' a buffet with that as a centerpiece, let me tell you!
"And another thing: she seems content with her small apartment. Cats are O.K. living in tight places and never going out. They don't mind if their owners spend every waking hour on the Internet."
Fe-lyings have small minds. Much too small to handle the real world. Perfect match.
"Dogs would die if they had to wait for their owners to go off line. And who wants to post pictures of a dead animal? Serious bloggers, the kind who float to the top of Google regularly, just don't have time or space for dogs."
You got that backwards, sister. Dogs are surfin' the 'net right along with their owners--and writin' their own blogs. With the exception of Ferdy, there aren't too many fe-lyings actually bloggin' out there. Starin' at a monitor thinkin' you're seein' yourself doesn't count.
And there's one more thing ya' forgot to mention. Dogs actually work--just like their owners--unlike those Demo-cat welfare pusses. Dogs are busy makin' sure kids and the elderly and the hard of seein' 'n hearin' have full lives. (Not stuck livin' in a cramped little apartment and never goin' out like a fe-lyin'.) Dogs rescue you humans when you get lost or fall overboard or get buried in an earthquakes. They sniff out drugs and, like I told ya' before, they're the best protection you cat people have for findin' bombs.
So. When was the last time you heard of a seeing eye cat? How 'bout a bomb-sniffin' fe-lyin'?
"But can that be the whole story? There's a deeper answer to be had at infinitecat.com, where users post pictures of their cats gazing at pictures of other cats already posted on the Infinite Cat site. You see an infinite regress: pictures of cats looking at pictures of cats looking at pictures of cats."
Effite-snob-sneerin'-major-insult-to-cat-people alert! (And you thought she liked you…)
"Remind you of anything? Those cats are like so many bloggers sitting at home staring into their computer screens and watching other bloggers blog other bloggers. Cats, who live indoors and love to prowl, are the soul of the blogosphere. Dogs would never blog."
So what am I? Chopped liver?
posted by Harrison at 11:21 PM