Kibbles 'n Bits®

Furred Reich.

First we learn the French surrendered to American bullfrogs. Now we're told Germans are fightin' American masked invaders--and losin'. The UK Sunday Mail makes a brief mention:

"German wine-makers have declared war on invading divisions of 'Nazi' raccoons. The furry, native American animals were released into the countryside in 1934 under the orders of top Nazi Hermann Goering."

The Times of London gives more details. "Nazi racoons invade the wineland"--makin' the Kassel run in less than twelve parsecs.

"Kassel has been regarded as the raccoon capital of Europe ever since Baron Sittich Von Berlerpsch released two of the animals into the wild in February 1934. The move was encouraged by Hermann Goering…who…was the chief forester of the Third Reich. The raccoons, known as wash-bears in Germany, were seen by Goering as an enrichment to German woodland."

But, bein' the Times, they just can't resisted blamin'…the Americans!

"[The raccoon] population grew by leaps and bounds when an Allied bomb hit a raccoon farm in 1945, releasing more into the wild."

And those two losers think they're gonna' lead the European Union to greatness. Hahahahahaha! They don't know what they're up against, 'specially now that the Mademoiselle from Armentieres* has arrived.

"When Emily the cat went missing a month ago, her owners looked for their wandering pet where she had ended up before the local animal shelter. This week they learned Emily sailed to France.

"Lesley McElhiney now figures her cat went prowling around a paper warehouse near home and ended up in a cargo container that went by ship across the Atlantic Ocean and was trucked to Nancy, a city in northeastern France near the border with Germany…"

Maybe she heard about the Nazi raccoons and wanted to help fight 'em off. . . Nah. Bein' a fe-lyin', she probably wanted to join 'em.

"…the family is wondering how they will retrieve the pet… The friend of a co-worker is going to Germany next week, but that's a country away. "The only thing we can think right now is buying a plane ticket," McElhiney said. "She already cost us some the first time we got her from the humane society. She's getting to be an expensive little thing."

"…hinky-dinky parlez-vous!" (rim shot)

And just in case ya' haven't had enough news 'bout frogs and pigs, here's somethin' that will make your heart go pitty-pat with excitement: Kermit and Miss Piggy in search for Muppet Idol.

"Move over Simon Cowell. Miss Piggy will be chief judge on the ultimate TV reality show, in which viewers will choose a new Muppet to join a revival of the comic troupe.

"Twenty-five years after the puppets retired from television, Kermit will introduce a selection of Muppet hopefuls who will compete to join the wacky cast in a new series. The satire on Pop Idol will feature Miss Piggy and Gonzo making acerbic observations on the wannabes, created by the Jim Henson Company, before final selection is turned over to the viewers."

Get ready for the next jihad alert.

*If ya' want all the variations of Mademoiselle from Armentieres, go here. If ya' wanna' see what the Doughboys really thought 'bout the enemy, go here and scroll down for "Three German Officers crossed the Rhine"--but keep it away from the kids! And feel free to substitute the current enemy of choice into the verses. I feel a music revival comin' on…

posted by Harrison at 11:42 AM