Harrison's Guide to Useless Gifts Part II

Only 13 shoppin' days left to find my lion!

So while I'm waitin', here's the Greenies' (those geriatric hippies who work hard at getting' others to do all the work) idea of a gift for dogs: The Original Dog Powered Scooter.

"…[W]e're pleased as punch to announce an all-new entrant into the wonderful world of alternative, renewable fuels: dog power. That's right, thanks to "The Original Dog Powered Scooter," the power of our canine friends can now be harnessed to help us get around."

Guess those old bones are too worn out from all the marchin' and riotin' ya' did durin' your flamin' youth.

"Based on the premise that you and your dog are both going to the same place, the scooter/harness combination reinvents any previous attempts to harness the power of man's best friend by having the dog push rather than pull (on a leash, sled, etc.). This puts the steering and braking control in the hands of the rider, making it much safer for crowded urban sidewalks and bike paths.

Based on personal experience I know this is a reeeeeaaally dumb idea, 'cause the premise that your dog(s) intend to go to the same place—in the same direction--as you is hypothetical at best. I warned ya' before about this sort of nonsense:

"When I was just a pup, Silly Human Female thought it would be cute…to put harnesses on all of us, hook us up to [a wagon], and have us haul her shoppin' bags around town. It was a reeeeaally stupid idea. The stupidest idea of all the stupid ideas that paragon of stupidness thought up…

"Right off the girls started squabblin' about who was wearin' the red harness instead of the blue, Uncle Harry was bitchin' about bein' stuck next to Grand Dam Bitch (who promptly laid down for a nap, never to get up without a well-placed stick of dynamite) and my brother Han and I thought we'd act out the great chariot race from Ben Hur.

"Do ya' know how much noise one of those suckers makes when it flips over and gets dragged across asphalt, gravel, and rocks? With all the clangin' and bangin' we naturally figured the Great Fe-lyin' Devil from Hell was chasin' us which only made us run faster--in six different directions. Grand Dam Bitch hadn't moved that fast since…well…since never."

And we're just little guys. Imagine the chaos if ya' put two huge dudes in those harnesses like they show in the pictures. Think "Squirrels to right of them,/Rabbits to left of them,/Fe-lyings in front of them/…Into the mouth of Hell/Rode the six hundred."*

And just so ya' know what those Greenie fools honestly think 'bout canines in their effort to exploit us…

"The outrigger keeps the slobbering powerplant in one place, and its location on the right side of the scooter keeps your engine-with-a-tail away from traffic, automobile or otherwise."

"Slobbering powerplant!" I guaran-damn-tee you I slobber less than your average Greenie salivatin' with anticipation 'bout wreckin' the local SUV dealership.

"The scooter is customizable for one to three dogs, which brings to mind a new sport sure to sweep the world: urban dog mushing. We can see it now..."

I came, I saw, I wrecked the sled.

However, in the spirit of the Christmas season, I wouldn't want even a stupid Greenie to be left out on that special mornin', so, thanks to Wonderdog Cal, here's the perfect gift for 'em…

World Famous Hand-Crafted Dog Poop "The most realistic dog doo that money can buy. Looks and feels so incredibly real that nobody can tell otherwise."

*With apologies to Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

posted by Harrison at 12:21 PM