Only 14 Shopping Days Left 'Til Christmas!
…so for you last-minute types, here's Part I of Harrison's Guide To Useless Gifts ('cept for the first one).
AHM and me have been shoppin', her in the stores and both of us on-line. She's getting' discouraged, in spite of havin' fun sneakin' that itsy-bitsy car of hers around all the Incredible Hunks and slippin' into spaces smaller than a breadbox which just pisses the hell out of those other drivers.
See, AHM is tryin' to find my gift with no success. Not that I'm hard to please—fresh-cooked liver and a hot terrier babe would do the trick. But we've decided it's time to retire my favorite squeaky toy. Yes, I said Squeaky Toy. The Great and Powerful Harrison has a favorite Squeaky Toy. And I need that Squeaky Toy—'specially on days when the pups or (more likely) Maury get on my last nerve and I have to chew something since AHM won't let me chew them.
It's a Lion squeaky, but not just any lion. This is a fuzzy, stuffed pink lion with a heart tatooed on its butt (see, I have my 60's liberal, touchy-feely side too), with braided rope ties for legs and a mane that looks like an old-fashioned floor mop. He's big. He's bad. He's ugly. He's named Ted Clinton Goredean (the name gets longer every election season) and he's the perfect chew, throw, tug, and generally smack-pups-and-humans-into-line-with toy. And it seems no one makes 'em any longer. Damn. Don't know if the ole' boy's gonna' last another round with the washin' machine. He's fallin' apart faster than the Demo-cat party. Speakin' of which, AHM passed on this last year (they have new models for this year) but this could be a satisfactory replacement. Not sure who would rip it apart first, though--AHM or me.
The upside of all this shoppin' or trollin' as the case may be, is AHM and me have dug up all sorts of interestin' gift possibilities to add to my Useless Holiday Gifts Guide. Most people we know wouldn't actually buy any of these things—I mean who wants a Robopet™ when ya' can have the real thing?
Sure, sure--like you really need a cantankerous robot. But can the sucker curl up at your side while ya' surf the 'net or be a personal foot-warmer on a cold night?
This, on the other paw, has definitely possibilities.
Some other gift stuff out there I've already dealt with—like pajamas and strollers and Poop-Freezetm (pu-leeze).
Now I can add dogs touchin' tunes (only $14.95 with a free DVD!) to the list.
Don't know if that "transformin' quality" could shift a pissed-off pit bull, but I bet it sure could transform some humans into nine-fingered wonders.
Then again, it could transform us into an Extra Friendly Dog, only $15.96 to buy what my kid Hem will do for free.
Hmmmm… Wonder why none of our visitors "crack up" when Hem tries that?
posted by Harrison at 2:17 PM
AHM and me have been shoppin', her in the stores and both of us on-line. She's getting' discouraged, in spite of havin' fun sneakin' that itsy-bitsy car of hers around all the Incredible Hunks and slippin' into spaces smaller than a breadbox which just pisses the hell out of those other drivers.
See, AHM is tryin' to find my gift with no success. Not that I'm hard to please—fresh-cooked liver and a hot terrier babe would do the trick. But we've decided it's time to retire my favorite squeaky toy. Yes, I said Squeaky Toy. The Great and Powerful Harrison has a favorite Squeaky Toy. And I need that Squeaky Toy—'specially on days when the pups or (more likely) Maury get on my last nerve and I have to chew something since AHM won't let me chew them.
It's a Lion squeaky, but not just any lion. This is a fuzzy, stuffed pink lion with a heart tatooed on its butt (see, I have my 60's liberal, touchy-feely side too), with braided rope ties for legs and a mane that looks like an old-fashioned floor mop. He's big. He's bad. He's ugly. He's named Ted Clinton Goredean (the name gets longer every election season) and he's the perfect chew, throw, tug, and generally smack-pups-and-humans-into-line-with toy. And it seems no one makes 'em any longer. Damn. Don't know if the ole' boy's gonna' last another round with the washin' machine. He's fallin' apart faster than the Demo-cat party. Speakin' of which, AHM passed on this last year (they have new models for this year) but this could be a satisfactory replacement. Not sure who would rip it apart first, though--AHM or me.
The upside of all this shoppin' or trollin' as the case may be, is AHM and me have dug up all sorts of interestin' gift possibilities to add to my Useless Holiday Gifts Guide. Most people we know wouldn't actually buy any of these things—I mean who wants a Robopet™ when ya' can have the real thing?
"Exclusive "Signature Series" Robopet™ walks, jumps, sits, lies down, begs, rolls over, sniffs, crawls, runs, shakes hands and scratches with incredibly lifelike biomechanical movements. Robopet's personality is very expressive — displaying puppy-like moods ranging from friendly and curious to upset and cantankerous."
Sure, sure--like you really need a cantankerous robot. But can the sucker curl up at your side while ya' surf the 'net or be a personal foot-warmer on a cold night?
This, on the other paw, has definitely possibilities.
Some other gift stuff out there I've already dealt with—like pajamas and strollers and Poop-Freezetm (pu-leeze).
Now I can add dogs touchin' tunes (only $14.95 with a free DVD!) to the list.
"An easy to apply system of touching techniques. These intentional good touches are designed to bring about specific results… Touch has a transformative quality that can shift a situation. Whether you think about it or not touch does pass on an intention. The whole animal is affected from the inside out and will sense the meaning behind your touch."
Don't know if that "transformin' quality" could shift a pissed-off pit bull, but I bet it sure could transform some humans into nine-fingered wonders.
Then again, it could transform us into an Extra Friendly Dog, only $15.96 to buy what my kid Hem will do for free.
"Visitors will crack up when they meet your new dog. Strap him to a leg (or anything that's not nailed down) and watch him get busy... growing faster and noisier until he sighs."
Hmmmm… Wonder why none of our visitors "crack up" when Hem tries that?
posted by Harrison at 2:17 PM
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