Crouching Seagull, Hail of Crap

UPDATE on the continuing Bird Wars: Meryl Yourish's Tig and Glenn Dean's Rolo have taken the call to arms seriously.

Evidently the terror doesn't stop with eagles. Now seagulls are waging their own special form of jihad against us.

"The sky above the Washington Square Shopping Center [in Sheboygan, WI] comes alive with a swarm of ravenous seagulls, searching for shiny victims in the parking lot. “I went out there, and it was like a thing from ‘The Birds,’” Ald. Marge Segalle said, referring to the Alfred Hitchcock film.

"The city’s Public Protection and Safety Committee asked City Attorney Steve McLean on Tuesday night to draft an ordinance forbidding the feeding of seagulls around the shopping center near Washington Avenue and South Business Drive.

Is it just me or does that "Public Protection and Safety Committee" business sound like somethin' out of George Orwell?

"Area business owners complained that hundreds of seagulls are nesting in a vacant lot behind Piggly Wiggly and are terrorizing customers and cars alike with hails of feces."

Terror Stalks the Piggly Wiggly. A twisted tale of customers haunted by unspeakable feculent horrors.

"The situation is made worse when people feed the birds, they say."

What goes in, must come out. Thought you humans understood that by now.

“People have been coming over there with 5-gallon pails, feeding the birds,” said Bob Wiegand… Wiegand said the poop problem is quickly becoming a health concern. “I don’t want to see somebody get sick over this,” [he] said.

"Jeff Schukow of Great Lakes Area Pest Control and Surveillance attempted to scare the birds away using a radio-controlled plastic peregrine falcon, but Schukow said he backed off once he realized the birds were nesting in the area.

Yeah--the gulls were probably in danger of fallin' out of their nests laughin'!

"Permanently removing the seagulls could be tricky, Ald. Jeff Radtke said. They are a protected species and permits are needed to physically force them out. But if the city eliminates the food source, Radtke said, the birds may not be as connected to the area.

Law of Unintended Consequences meet the Law of Whacko Envionmentalism.

I suggest they talk to these guys about handlin' the seagull problem.

"Wildlife managers plan to kill a number of sea gulls on the south island of the Hampton Roads [VA] Bridge-Tunnel in an effort to reduce traffic and safety problems associated with the increasing bird population there…

"Thousands of herring gulls, laughing gulls and black-backed gulls have taken up residence on the tunnel island, where they prey upon a smaller and more fragile population of common terns and black skimmers, which are moving away in droves from the threat…"

When protected species collide--film at 11. It's called the Law of the Wild or Survival of the Fittest, jackass. Didn't you guys ever read your Darwin?

"VDOT has reported frantic birds hitting windshields, startling drivers and raising the risk of accidents. Baby gulls like to roost near the tunnel entrance and can fall into traffic lanes, causing motorists to swerve."

Swevin' in a tunnel is Not a Good Thing--mainly 'cause there's no place to swerve to--'cept into another car or a concrete wall

"Transportation officials called the plan to kill many of the larger gulls a last-ditch effort after years of less-aggressive campaigns."

Guess bein' nice and sayin' 'pretty please' doesn't cut it. Hope Sickie Dickie Durbin is payin' attention. Ya' can't coddle the enemy and expect to win the war.

posted by Harrison at 9:09 AM