(Sq)Girrels Gone Wild

Pity the poor squirrelies… They squandered their savings and are lookin' for handouts. But never fear--the animal welfare pimps are mobilizin'.

"The residents of [Akademgorodok] have been keeping their windows tightly shut for the second week in a row due to insolent squirrels who sneak into kitchens and turn them upside down by knocking off spice containers, breadboxes and other kitchen utensils while searching for tidbits.

Gotta' say there's nothin' worse than a rodent with attitude.

"Specialists at the environmental club of the Novosibirsk State University confirm the alarming reports of local residents. They say that squirrels have been really guilty of "illegal entry and burglary" this year… The squirrels are forced to break into apartments due to a seasonal lack of food," says Elena Dubynina, an environmental expert."

Hold on just one kibble-crunchin' minute! "…forced to break into apartments…"? What, is there some mujahadeen rodent holdin' their families at d-Con^tm-point? Will the world end up watchin' their beloved offspring beheaded with a rusty mousetrap on al-Ratzeera if the squirrels don't cough up the ransom?

"She says the squirrels ran out of the their winter supplies and therefore have to look for something else to eat outside their usual habitat."

Thought someone wrote a fable about that--ant--grasshopper--somethin' like that? Has anyone looked into bussin' the little beasties to more upscale forests?

"According to [Dubynina], squirrels are smart and cunning creatures, they can easily adjust themselves to new conditions. The residents of that neighborhood have been treating them well for many years. So the squirrels got used to bits and pieces thrown to them at a regular basis.

Hmmmm… Free handouts create dependence. Who knew?

Besides, there has been a significant increase in the population of squirrels in that area since last year."

Yep--definitely smart and cunning. They figured out the have-more-babies- get-more-treats scam. Boy, we are exportin' all our best ideas overseas. Must be one of the unintended consequences of NAFTA.

"Looks like we will have to build a number of feeders for them, we will hang those feeders all over the area so that the squirrels can get their food every time they feel hungry," said Mrs. Dubynina."

Humans, on the other paw, have not figured out the "if you build it, they will come" business. Repeat after me: more feeders = more friggin' squirrels! Ya' already got 12,000--wha'd'ya' want--144,000?


  "The squirrels went wild in Yakutia following a terrible   summer drought in 2003."

  Video now in final editing…

"Forest fires destroyed most of the forests in the…natural squirrel reserve of Yakutia. The squirrels could not get any food to store for the coming winter. The animals were aware of that desperate situation and began cracking up, according to environmentalists."

Wasn't this the sort of thing the Darwin guy talked about--survival of the fittest and all that? Seems to me those Yakutia squirrels coulda' moved if they had more than nuts for brains. Instead they cracked up--screamed and chittered, rioted and rampaged--maybe even looted a few stores for good measure. Got 'em what they wanted, though. Usually does.

"Finally, 10 tons of pine kernels were "allocated" for feeding squirrels and the problem was resolved."

Bleedin' heart liberalism runneth amuck...

posted by Harrison at 11:26 PM