Squirrelly Faye

Couple a' days ago I wrote 'bout 70-year old Faye Arrington of Asheville, NC and her letter to the editor of the Citizen-Times. Well, columnist John Boyle thought he'd look into the whole rodent CPR issue.

"Arrington tried thumb chest compressions, but sadly, this squirrel’s nut-munching days were over. Which makes me ask: Where is a squirrel defibrillator when you need one?

"When I have such questions, I go to John Johnson, a Henderson County Sheriff’s Department deputy and canine officer who conducts — swear to God — pet CPR classes through the American Red Cross."

Hmmm… Boyle shoulda' talked to Sen. John Kerry. He's the reignin' expert on rodent mouth-to-mouth, isn't he?

"He’s heard of CPR attempts on a lot of different animals, but never a squirrel. Because of their size, he says, a car strike is nearly always fatal. It’s not impossible, though… “You could try it, I guess,” Johnson said. “It would be a two-fingered technique. It would be one puff to two compressions.” He stressed that a very small puff of air and very light compressions would be adequate.

"And don’t engage in a lip lock for the breathing."

Eeeewwwwwww.

"He recommended going in prepared, preferably by cutting a small bottle so part of it would fit over a varmints nose and mouth. Then you would breathe in the other end.

Okay, who in their right mind would drive around prepared to scoop rodent debris off the highway for a little muzzel to mouth action?

"Now, some of you may be thinking Arrington must be off her rocker to attempt a squirrel revival, but she’s probably one of the sweetest people I’ve ever interviewed. The lady truly loves animals… In her car she carries boxes, rubber gloves and disinfectant so she can remove animal carcasses off the roads. Arrington handles the opossums by the tail and moves them to the side of the road, she notes."

Spoke too soon.

"Often she digs a proper grave for the roadkill that other drivers just keep squishing. “I bury them,” she said. “I don’t just thrown them out like some people do.” She drives slowly on the Parkway and has been known to stop traffic in both directions to save a groundhog."

Sounds like she's creatin' a hell of a menace out there on that parkway. Don't think I'd wanna' see some 70-year-old Earth Grandmother blockin' traffic just so she can scoop entrails off the asphalt.

“They’re God’s creations, too, you know,” Arrington said."

Well--either God's creations or proof Darwin had the right idea.

posted by Harrison at 7:38 PM