Cute House Horrors
…"See, I remember a passage in Nostradamus that referenced a curse being lifted at the same time the moon goes dark on a night when an evil man who looks like a fish begins his surrender to his dark lord. I swear, look it up. I would, but I'm afraid to Google something like that. Superstitions and all.
"Anyhow, the clues to the end of the world come out in a slow leak, like gas escaping from a pinhole. Speaking of which, I just saw something that looks like steam rising out of my lawn. Hang on while I go check this out."
No, I didn't dig any holes in Michele's lawn--I don't do diggin' holes, 'k?
Anyway, while AHM and me were walkin' and drivin' around the town, we started noticin' something curious--Halloween has become a big house-decoratin' holiday. Now most places just stick a themed wreath on the door or maybe a pumpkin or two on the stoop. Then there are The Others…
You regulars know my opinion of "cute houses." Yeah, I'm not real big on that exterior decoratin' concept. Makes me think you humans have waaaayyy too much time on your hands. And with the new Halloween decorating craze, some people have waaaayyy too little common sense. Either that or an unlimited credit account with Spencer's Gifts.
The new decoration-of-choice in the past year or so seems to be that barkin' great lighted PumpkinMan. Every time I see one of those suckers I wanna' take a big bite out of it just to see it blow up. The pups think it would be fun to knock it over and chase it around the yard. 'Course we'd probably be pickin' 'em out of the tree branches if the thing exploded in their faces--at least that's what happens with the balloons AHM brings home.
As if PumpkinMan on his own isn't bad enough, the homeowners usually combine him with strings of orange lights around the doors and windows and a few carved pumpkins on the stoop. Still pretty restrained, I guess, compared to The Others…
…like my favorite cute house up the street. I think those people have a busy little elf hidden in their basement that they only let out to strew tackiness far and wide, 'cause I've never actually seen humans outside doin' the work. I suppose it's a change from the bunny-chicken cuteness they usually display, but not by much.
One tree is draped with some sort of white stuff to look like a giant web with a big ole' spider dangling from the edge. Another is hung with bats and skeletons. Fake gravestones cluster on the corner edge of the yard, festooned with twinkly lights. (Well, either twinkly lights or there's a short in the wire somewhere.) They got a coffin leanin' against the side of the house, a whole litter of black cats skulking across the lawn, little pumpkins linin' the window sills, bloody arms and legs draped on the edge of a wheelbarrow, and fake green rubber hands pokin' out of the bushes.
The final touch is the pretend stone paper coverin' the door (so it looks like a crypt, I suppose) and some decrepit life-sized figure sittin' on their outside bench which the pups think is the biggest stuffed dog toy ever made. Every evening we just stand in awe of the blatant display of bad taste. (We have to stand in awe 'cause AHM won't let us off our leashes to do anything else.)
We probably could handle it, except there are dozens of other houses in the same condition! Some of 'em have every window covered with black webs and alternating witch/bat/skeleton cutouts. Another has dozens of luminous plastic skeletons hangin' from trees. Lots of 'em have homemade ghosts made from sheets stuffed with leaves flappin' in the breeze. (The effect of that last one is lost when the leaves start tricklin' out makin' it look like dirty laundry.)
But there does seem to be one outside decoration every one of these cute houses has in common that turns 'em into real houses of horror…
They all have Kerry/Edwards signs on their lawn.
posted by Harrison at 1:43 PM