Had another tragedy 'round here—worse than back when my kid Hem died—and AHM isn't doin' real well. Really not well. We're helpin' with what we can, but I don't think even a warm puppy is gonna' make her better.

Near as we can tell, some big ole' German jackboots ground her into a dirty litter pan then wiped themselves off on all the things she was workin' for. 'Course they said they were sorry, whatever that means. Silly Human Female said that too and I never saw it did any good. I prefer the step-on-me-I-take-a-chunk-outta'-your- privates rebuttal. Can't convince AHM to go along, though. Geeze. Humans!

Anyway, I'll be back from time to time—whenever I can get AHM close to the keyboard.

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posted by Harrison at 12:23 AM

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Do Not Spin, Fold, or Mutilate

AHM's spent the past few months workin' for an organization (aka Enablers--AHM) that gives out taxpayer money to Those Less Fortunate (aka, per LawDog, Critters--AHM).

As I understand it, these less fortunate critters are dumber than clumps scooped out of a dirty litter pan, but, bein' the human fe-lyings they are (and well trained by all our local Demo-cats), they still come runnin' whenever they hear the ole' can opener revvin' up. The other day one of 'em got outta' the pound in the mornin', jumped into a taxi, and showed up at The Enablers' demandin' his weekly can of Fancy Feast®. Now since we're talkin' a product of the local public schools, this unfortunate fe-lyin' critter was real mathematically challenged. Somehow it never dawned on 'em the cab fare was 'bout the same amount as the free money they were grabbin'.

Geeze… That type needs warnin' labels on shoelaces so they don't trip over 'em.

And that's exactly why manufacturin' companies are wastin' money (and raisin' prices) by labelin' everything in sight with
stupid warnings.

"Don't clean your kids in the washing machine. Don't dry your cell phone in the microwave. And be sure not to read the phone book while driving. Those are among the winning entries in this year's Wacky Warning Label Contest, run by an anti-lawsuit group.

"Backers of the right to sue have a warning of their own don't be so quick to poke fun at labels, which help save lives. They say the contest is part of an effort to pass laws that shield businesses from liability for those they hurt…

Don't ya' just love all those "rights" we've got? 'Course there's no word on how to shield anyone from the stupidity of dumbass fe-lyings like these who are claimin' the "right" to cost the rest of us a gazillion bucks…

"The top vote-getter was a warning tag from a front-load washing machine. "DO NOT put any person in this washer," it read.

Notice they don't warn ya' 'bout puttin' in a fe-lyin' or two so I suppose that's a-okay. Anyone got change for a dollar?

"A front loader is just at the right height…for a 4-year-old," said Patti Andresen-Shew, marketing director for Alliance Laundry Systems LLC in Ripon, Wis. She said there have been lawsuits filed against companies "fortunately not ours" after small children got into coin-operated laundry equipment and an older child started the machine."

Hmmm… Can you say siblin' rivalry? Sounds like there shoulda' been a trial for attempted murder 'stead of a lawsuit against a washin' machine.

"…Dorigo Jones [author of Remove Child Before Folding: The 101 Stupidest Silliest and Wackiest Warning Labels Ever] said unwarranted lawsuits lead to labels so bizarre that people ignore them. "People are more likely to get hurt as lawsuit-driven labels get longer and more absurd," the contest organizer said.

"Second place went to a warning on a personal watercraft that said, "Never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level."

No mention 'bout not usin' a lit match or open flame to read the stupid warnin' label, though. Sounds like a lawsuit just waitin' to happen.

"There was a tie for third place between a statement on a Super Lotto ticket that said, "Do not iron," and a warning on a cell phone that said, "Don't try to dry your phone in a microwave oven."

I'd like to meet the sucker who decided a lottery ticket needed ironin'. Probably was just givin' it a quick press while the cell phone was dryin'.

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posted by Harrison at 10:19 PM

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