Name:Harrison Location:United States

The Original Lovable Little Fuzzball

Here's the straight stuff.

The adventures of Harrison are true.
Try a few of his Crunchy Bites for a taste.
--Alpha Human Mom

Friday, November 28, 2008

From the Litter Pan

Apparently the Mutt is lookin' for a new church—at least until someone starts one centerin' on him. Here's a suggestion:

Tarvu—creator of Universe A and Universe B (we live in Universe B)—came to Earth over 3,000 years ago as a tiny baby boy. After landing in the oceans, and swimming with Oobu the holy octapus, Tarvu came ashore and lived amongst men and women so that he could teach them "to live". Soon his Word spread, and that Word became Tarvuism

It's easy to join. Just say the Tarvu prayer.

Tarvu tarvooti,
Oboonoo cTooti,
Mimmin O'tibbi noonah,
Mdfitty fitty noonah,
Arvu immentiBarvu,

Someone's havin' a whole lotta' fun with this.

Here's two words I never thought I'd join together parrot sex.

Horrified Jackie Lucking woke to find her parrot bonking her feather hat — while she was wearing it! Her pet Shrek flew into a lust-filled frenzy after swallowing nine SlimNSexy diet pills, which also boost sex drive. …Jackie… had nodded off wearing the hat after a christening. She said: “He turned into a maniac. All he wanted was to get his wing over, it’s disgusting.”

Only The Sun could use the verb "bonking" with a straight face.

Speakin' of parrot sex—there'll be some hot times in the ole' White House come January.

President-Elect Barack Obama's transition team is reported to be deeply divided over whether to offer a post to Monica Lewinsky, the former White House Intern whose intimate relationship with President Bill Clinton led to his impeachment.

Until now, Lewinsky was one of the few high-profile figures from the Clinton Presidency who had not been recruited for the incoming Obama team. Mr. Clinton's brother Roger is another, though on Friday there were rumors he would be named ambassador to Spain.

The gangs all there. I'm startin' to think the rest of us should be somewhere else.

However, this former Demo-cat hasn't been tapped by the Mutt's administration--yet.

[Former U.S. Rep. Gary] Condit once was a rising political star who was elected to Congress in 1989. But he lost his seat amid reports that he had had an affair with [Chandra} Levy, the daughter of one of Condit's constituents.

Several publications speculated that he had played a role in her [2001] disappearance. That suggestion was unfounded, though Levy's murder—her remains were eventually found in Washington's Rock Creek Park—has never officially been solved… [snip]

After his House defeat [in 2002], the Condit family moved to Scottsdale, Ariz. They attempted various business ventures before buying the two Baskin-Robbins' franchises in nearby Glendale for $65,000 each in February 2006.

They both failed in less than a year. Sign him up for Asst. Treasury Secretary!

And finally, you know any comment on this story is gonna' be called "racist."

A new plague which jumps from rats to humans has been discovered by scientists. …[snip] Professor Change [sic] said the results raised concerns about the existence of a 21st century plague. 'This certainly warrants further investigation,' he said. The Black Death was one of the deadliest pandemics in human history, widely thought to have been caused by a bacterium named Yersinia pestis, or Bubonic plague. It was spread by rodents in the 14th century and centuries after that, killing an estimated 75 million people worldwide.

The good professor's name is actually Chao-Chin Chan not Change. Guess the writer's mind was wanderin'…

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posted by Harrison at 8:23 AM


Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

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posted by Harrison at 8:53 AM


Dog Watch

Election Day plus somethin'-or-other.

I got news for the Mutt—no girly-dog wants him either.

Obama: "Cha Cha?"
Barbara: "It's short for Cha Cha Cha."
O: "What is a Havanese?"
B: "It's like a little terrier and they're non-allergenic and they're the sweetest dogs.."
O: [Face suddenly changes.] "It's like a little yappy dog?"
Michelle: "Don't criticize."
O: "It, like, sits in your lap and things?"
M: "It's a cute dog."
O: "It sounds kinda like a girly dog."
M: "We're girls. We have a houseful of girls."
O [with hand gestures]: "We're going to have a big rambunctious dog, of some sort."

For the record, all dogs shed. Some just shed less than others.

In the interest of holdin' the White House for the Terrier Group, I vote the Mutt consider an Airedale.

What? You thought I was gonna' suggest one of us? Bite your tongue!

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posted by Harrison at 1:10 AM


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Breakin' News…

…from inside the Office of the President Elect.

They make it too easy.

Dug up at Neatorama

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posted by Harrison at 12:46 PM


Friday, November 21, 2008

What The Pack is Buyin' AHM for Christmas

Many Liver Snaps® will be sacrificed for the cause.

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posted by Harrison at 2:27 PM


Thursday, November 20, 2008

So How's That Obama Administration Shapin' Up?

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posted by Harrison at 9:45 AM


Sunday, November 16, 2008

Dog Watch

Election Day Plus Twelve.

Another promise broken…er…de-furred

Malia and Sasha Obama will have to wait at least two more months for that puppy their dad promised them.

President-elect Barack Obama said on Election Night that he had promised his young daughters that they could get a dog once the race was over. But the pup won't become part of the first family until after they move into the White House on Jan. 20.

Let's start a list of what the next excuse will be.

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posted by Harrison at 10:55 PM


Friday, November 14, 2008

A Day in the Life of the Average Demo-cat

Rinse, repeat.

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posted by Harrison at 3:53 PM


Thursday, November 13, 2008

From Sea to Shinin' Sea…

Demo-cat madness is spreadin' so know thy enemy.

How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you.

Sign #2 – Excessive shoveling of kitty litter...

...or any time a Demo-cat opens its mouth.

Demo-cat economics and other math jokes.

Theorem. A cat has nine tails.

Proof. No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no cat, it must have nine tails.

Illegal immigrants flockin' to Florida in wake of Demo-cat win.

University of Florida researchers are alerting pest-control operators and homeowners to be on the lookout for several new species of Florida's least-favorite character, the cockroach. Along with the [Madagascar hissing cockroach], the newest trespassers could include the Turkestan cockroach, lobster roach and the orange spotted roach. All could inadvertently be introduced to the state… [a]nd once here, they would thrive.

Give us the vote and you'll have your answer.

"[Researchers] want to discover whether human skills, such as speech, art and music, are a result of human-only attributes, or whether animals could also possess similar abilities."

I guaran-damn-tee we're already smarter than your average voter.

Three months before the inauguration and Saint Mutt is already creatin' jobs.

Do you speak frog? Georgia needs your help. Wildlife biologists need volunteers for the annual statewide calling frog survey, which starts Jan. 15.

Disppointment still growin' over Prop. 8.

[A] man tried to bring his 3-foot pet alligator into Johnny's Saloon [in Huntington Beach, CA] and was shunned.

Shunned? Shunned?! In any other part of the country we'd call it run screamin' from the premises.

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posted by Harrison at 9:55 PM


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Kibbles 'n Bits®

So now he can run for President. And he's probably more qualified than the Mutt.

When Amy Jones received her law degree from Baylor University, her playful service dog Skeeter got the same honor. As Jones got her juris doctor degree on Saturday, Skeeter received an honorary law degree. […]

Fellow Baylor law graduate Jolie McCuiston of Lubbock said "everyone loves playing with Skeeter, but Skeeter always knows when he's working." McCuiston said Skeeter will occasionally add a growl to a professor's lecture for added emphasis. "He always said what we couldn't say," McCuiston [said]…

Must be a Republi-canine.

Only the Brits could write a headline like this:

Toadfish sex hum stirs boffins

Obviously he just heard who won the election.

The 80 minute mile

The treadmill which was built in a tank of water enabled researchers to measure the activity levels of a "jogging" shrimp. Scientists found the four inch long shrimp could move at speeds of 66ft per minute and that it was able to continue for three hours before needing a rest.

Usually it's the Euro-weenies doin' this kind of silly research. This, unfortunately, was funded by US taxpayers.

Things people worried about 30 years ago…

Regarding the expression "deeper than whale shit," just how deep is whale shit?

I foresee that expression makin' a biiiiig comback.

And finally, we're officially carryin' this diversity business too far.

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posted by Harrison at 11:41 PM


Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Replace Barney with what?

Peruvians crazy about their national dog, a bald and often toothless breed popular among Incan kings, offered to send a hypoallergenic puppy to the Obama family.

Well, there is a certain resemblance 'round the ears.

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posted by Harrison at 9:10 AM


Sunday, November 09, 2008


The perfect dog for the Mutt and his muttettes.

Dug up at Dave Barry's Blog

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posted by Harrison at 11:13 PM



November 9, 1938: Kristallnacht.

November 9, 1989: Fall of the Berlin Wall.

November 9, 2008: The Mutt shows his claws.

President-elect Obama plans to use his executive powers to make an immediate impact when he takes office, perhaps reversing Bush administration policies on stem cell research and domestic drilling for oil and natural gas. […]

"There's a lot that the president can do using his executive authority without waiting for congressional action, and I think we'll see the president do that," [John] Podesta said.

UPDATE: The hell with just showin' his claws—the Mutt's goin' straight for dictator.

Plans are being made to promote a national holiday for Barack Obama, who will become the nation's 44th president when he takes the oath of office Jan. 20.

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posted by Harrison at 10:33 PM


Saturday, November 08, 2008

Okay…Who's Cribbin' My Notes?

At least He said it before I did…

It popped out casually, a throwaway line as he talked to reporters about finding the right puppy for his young daughters.

But with just three offhanded words in his first news conference as president-elect, Barack Obama reminded everyone how thoroughly different his administration—and inevitably, this country—will be.

"Mutts like me."

So Bar-ack!'s gonna' create a country of mutts like him? He must be takin' advice from Bill Clinton.

Two Dogs: My speakers aren't workin' so I couldn't listen to the video you posted.

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posted by Harrison at 10:11 PM


Barney Loses It

I know how he feels…damn liberal press. It's about time a black Republi-canine started showin' some teeth.

Yes, I know I'm late reportin' this.

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posted by Harrison at 9:59 PM


Friday, November 07, 2008

Dog Watch

Election Day Plus Three.

Last December Bar-ack! promised his kids he'd get them a dog after the election.

Hmmmm… The clock's tickin'.

I said it then and I'll say it now—if he can't keep a promise to his own kids, what the hell can the rest of us expect?

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posted by Harrison at 11:25 PM


Thursday, November 06, 2008

"It's my money."

Yes, that's a quote, but not from an outraged conservative entrepreneur. The speaker--er--yeller--is an Obama campaign worker who isn't gettin' paid.

Whoa! Mickey Mouse hasn't coughed up his promised donation? Where'd all those millions go to and why are the poor workin' stiffs who sacrificed themselves on the altar of The One bein', well, stiffed?

Oh. Yeah. It's Bar-ack! business as usual.

Lines were long and tempers flared Wednesday not to vote but to get paid for canvassing for Barack Obama. Several hundred people are still waiting to get their pay for last-minute campaigning. Police were called to the Obama campaign office on North Meridian Street downtown to control the crowd. The line was long and the crowd was angry at times.

"I want my money today! It's my money. I want it right now!" yelled one former campaign worker. [...]

Eventually people did start getting paid, but some said they were missing hours and told to fill in paperwork making their claim and that eventually they would get a check in the mail.

"Still that's not right. I'm disappointed. I'm glad for the president, but I'm disappointed in this system," said Diane Jefferson, temporary campaign worker...

"It should have been $480. It's $230," said Imani Sankofa.

"They gave us $10 an hour. So we added it. I added up all the hours so it was supposed to be at least $120. All I get is $90," said Charles Martin.

"I worked nine hours a day for 4 days and got paid half of what I should have earned," said Randall Waldon.

Can you say rude awakening? The video is great.

Excuse me while I go roll on the floor and laugh.

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posted by Harrison at 3:54 PM


Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I Wanna' Bite Someone

There is waaaaayyy too much of this sort of kitty litter bein' hacked up by pundits who wanna' be looooved by the new regime.

But we have a black president, and that’s an important distinction to make, because it means something. It means this nation has progressed. […] Progress is something to be proud of.

Progress for the sake of progress isn't progress. A dog chasin' his tail can "progress" across the lawn while spinnin' in wild circles.

Bar-ack!'s got the tail-spinnin' down already.

The comments on that post are priceless and show exactly how those kind of pundits are beginnin' to sound like they're auditionin' for an anchor chair at MSNBC. But the best comment of all is from a non-American. A South African, in fact, who knows somethin' about racism and havin' black presidents

My country, South Africa, has had a couple of black presidents now, largely due to American pressure. I must say, it hasn’t worked out all that well, for us or our neighbour, Rhodesia. Come to that, it hasn’t worked out well for any country that’s tried it, so far. Maybe you’ll be luckier. Maybe this time…

I wouldn’t count on it, though. You are about to get a valuable education. I pray that you will learn from it.

And let me forestall the avalanche of name-calling that I know is coming. Yes, I am a racist. The name offends me not at all. Everybody who has lived in Africa is a racist, black or white. That is, we are not deceived into believing that all races are the same. Experience is a great teacher.

You have elected a man who despises your culture, who uses lawyers’ tricks to subvert your democratic process, who has the thinnest resume of any President to date, and whose record (such as it is) is the most radical. All in the Hope! of absolution from your sin of racism. Well, I’m afraid there will be no absolution. Your race problems are not over. They’re just beginning.

Believe me, I say that with no malice. I love the American people. I have two generations of descendants in America. I don’t blame the American people for what their government did to my country. Well, now they’re doing it to you, too.

I hope you can recover.

I know most of you hate me now, and I’ll try to live with that somehow. But remember what I’ve said, and check back with me in four years.

Okay people. Stop talkin' 'bout lookin' toward 2012 and start workin' to have conservatives take back the House and Senate in 2010.

Oh, and Bar-ack!

Bite me.

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posted by Harrison at 11:06 PM


Save Us A Spot in Line

The shape of things to come for our future spelled out in a few short paragraphs.

A soup kitchen exclusively for dogs has opened its doors in Berlin providing pets of the homeless and unemployed with a free meal, the director of the establishment said on Friday. […]

One woman who uses the free service said she had two dogs, four cats, a rabbit and some guinea pigs.

"Without this animal bread line, I'd probably starve to death," the 20-year old told German daily Sueddeutsche Zeitung.

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posted by Harrison at 8:46 AM


Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Jimmy Carter in Blackface

Ya' wanted him, ya' got 'em. As far as today's travesty is concerned, the quote that will echo over the next four years was provided by NRO's The Corner:

"This is an unlovely party filled with unlovely people, as America's about to find out once the Obama pixie dust wears off."

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posted by Harrison at 11:42 PM


The Polls Haven't Closed Yet…

…in the Pacific Time Zone. So if ya' haven't voted yet, why the hell are ya' sittin' around readin' this?

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posted by Harrison at 9:30 PM


The Polls Haven't Closed Yet…

…in the Mountain Time Zone. So if ya' haven't voted yet, why the hell are ya' sittin' around readin' this?

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posted by Harrison at 8:30 PM


The Polls Haven't Closed Yet…

…in the Central Time Zone. So if ya' haven't voted yet, why the hell are ya' sittin' around readin' this?

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posted by Harrison at 7:30 PM


November 4, 1979

Elect Bar-ack! and go back to the future

Only this time a nation will be held hostage 4 years, not 444 days.

The scrawny runt on the right is (I believe) Iran's current President Ahmadinejad—the terrorist
Bar-ack! wants to smooze.

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posted by Harrison at 8:49 AM


Monday, November 03, 2008

Vote, Vote, Vote, Vote, Vote

I know lots of people out there who aren't crazy 'bout McCain. Fact is, I'd be tempted to whizz on his shoes if I ever met him so I'm not plannin' on any overnights in the Lincoln Bedroom if he wins.

But the alternative is to be dragged into the darkest depths of a depression by a man who doesn't care if a baby born alive in a botched abortion is left to die; who brags about forcin' coal companies into bankruptcy leavin' the rest of us to struggle with skyrocketin' electric bills; who mocks and harrasses the ordinary workin' stiff; who strong-arms media outlets who criticize his actions and politcies; who plans to make Iraq another Vietnam by pullin' out our troops and slashin' defense spendin', while he creates his very own KGB—er—Civilian National Security Force; and who will raise taxes on everybody, one way or another.

Elect Bar-ack!. Get Zimbabwe.

Somethin' to watch out for, from Another Rovian Conspiracy:

NBC will be eager to call Virginia and Pennsylvania early on Tuesday, and will cite exit polls throughout the day to give the impression that all is lost. They'll couch their statements with the following:

"We're not going to call the state until the polls close at x:xx pm, but it certainly looks like this is going to be a good night for Obama."

prepare for it....
Watch for it...
ignore it and get to the polls.

To anyone readin' this in the Central, Mountain, or Pacific time zones: Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain—or in front of the camera. Keep on votin'. And if they try closin' the pollin' places while you're still in line, start howlin' loud and long. And keep a lawyer on speed dial.

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posted by Harrison at 10:42 PM