Two Minute Montage
Dug up at Netorama
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posted by Harrison at 3:35 PM
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Chicago Demo-cat Machine Air Force
Blackbirds dive-bombing Chicago residents.
"The attacks bare obvious, though rather less lethal, comparisons to the film The Birds and one of the worst offenders has indeed been nicknamed Hitchcock after the movie's director.
"Holly Grosso, a local businesswoman, said she was talking on her mobile phone on a Chicago street last week when Hitchcock went for her…"
Okay, I gotta' give 'em points for that. Haven't ya' always wanted to do the same thing?
"Cyclists are particularly popular - and helpless - targets. "It's making people so they're not being alert when they're biking," Miss [Tara] Soltow told the Chicago Tribune. "Bikers are going to fall off and maybe get hit by traffic."
That's one way to guarantee more Demo-cat voters in November.
And the ultimate solution is…
"Douglas Stotz, a conservation ornithologist at the city's Field Museum…advised anyone targeted by an angry blackbird to stare directly at it. If that fails, barking like a dog should keep it away, he said."
Votin' Republi-canine will do the same thing.
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posted by Harrison at 8:03 AM
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, "Well, ya' know, Obama is a 'post turtle'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'."
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
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posted by Harrison at 9:50 PM
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Kibbles 'n Bits®
Everything's bigger in Texas
"What has webbed feet like a duck, scales on its tail but is furry and weighs about 80 pounds?"
Women Flock To Bird Poop Facials
It's called uguisu no fun powder and costs $180 a pop. Ya' could do the same thing by stickin' your head outta' the car window.
Hope for fe-lyin' owners everywhere
"Were hairballs once considered things of beauty?"
A big stink over pig pong.
"Farmers have been ordered to fit filters on buildings housing pigs – to stop the smell of porkers breaking wind.
"Lulu came to his rescue by going to the family home and making a barking noise to attract the attention of Richards' wife Lynn.
What to do when relatives overstay their welcome.
From the comments: "If you get a dingo to water your roses, it also promises to repel relatives, neighbours, encyclopaedia and insurance salesmen, mormons, Jehovah's witnesses, politicians, and news reporters - and people who like the smell of roses...(Not necessarily in that order)"
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posted by Harrison at 8:39 AM
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
I waited a few days before writin' about Big Brown's loss in the Belmont, just to make sure he was really okay. After spendin' time readin' the various blogs and comments 'bout the whole thing, AHM and me noticed there were a bunch of people celebratin' his loss. Not 'cause they didn't like him, but because they didn't like the trainer. There were lots of people who thought the horse won the Derby and Preakness 'cause he was shot up with steroids, but when the reporters asked the winnin' trainer (Nick Zito) if Da'Tara was given steroids his answer was—no comment. Can you say "double standard?" From the main stream media? Who'da thought.
But Dutrow was the one with the big mouth—an excess of hubris—and people seem to love seein' those people lose no matter what. Not sure why, considerin' you humans have been shootin' up your pups with the ole' self esteem steroids for years 'n years.
What's more important, though, 'specially in an election year, what happened last Saturday was an a-number-one example of how yankin' people around by the bit, tryin' to force 'em to do what you want 'em to isn't very smart. Kent Desormeaux was so sure he knew what was best for Big Brown—was so set on his plan—he forgot to listen to the horse and lost the race. 'Course maybe he would have lost anyway, but after bein' dragged all over the place within the first few strides and endin' up flirtin' with the outside rail goin' 'round the first turn, no wonder Big Brown gave his jockey the equine equivalent of "Hell no, I won't go."
I've seen handlers in the show ring try doin' the same sort of thing to their dogs with pretty much the same result. At some point the smart dogs say "Nuts to you, buster," and plunk their butts on the ground in protest.
You humans could learn a thing or three from those example. The next time you humans have some fool politician tellin' ya' how to live your life—or how ya' have to "sacrifice" to pay for someone else's health care—just yank that leash outa' their paws and say "Nuts to you, buster!"
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posted by Harrison at 2:12 PM
Urkel Rides Again…
…with a flat tire.
Dug up at Don Surber's blog
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posted by Harrison at 8:10 AM
Friday, June 06, 2008
"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes—and ships—and sealing-wax—
Of cabbages—and kings—
And why the sea is boiling hot—
And whether Big Brown has wings."*
Over at The Blood-Horse blogs there's a separate thead just for people to wish Big Brown good luck in the Belmont. Interestin' read—'specially those writers who don't seem to be thinkin' before typin'—like the lady who posted "To all the runners - please, please, please come home for dinner." Nice sentiment but tactless phrasin'.
'Round here we've been Big Brown fans from the start, first 'cause AHM really wants to see another Triple Crown winner and second 'cause he so obviously reeeeaaally loves what he's doin'. That's one horse who's havin' a whole lotta' fun winnin'. And I know what I'm talkin' about here, people, 'cause I'm the same way, just like my dad. AHM tried retirin' Dad for a whole month and he pitched a fit whenever the rest of us trotted off the the show ring without him. He was un-retired in a hurry—and went on winnin' 'til he was over seventy dog years old.
If ya' haven't been in the showin' biz ya' won't understand. When I was just a pup—6 months and 3 days old—I walked into my first show ring. Gotta' say I didn't know what was goin' on with all the walkin' and standin' and gropin' when AHM was trainin' me so I was pretty much of a pain. We arrived at that big ole' show arena and there I was, all of ten puppy pounds with Chows to the right of me; German Shepherds to the left of me; bright lights over my head; and a whole pack of Aussies all around me. Then AHM and me walked into the ring and I looked up to see all the people in the stands watchin' me! Well that's all she wrote. I wiped up the rubber mattin' with all those other pups, comin' in second (Reserve) to the big grown-up Winners Dog. (I was only six months old, for pete's sake.)
That's what I see in Big Brown. Everybody's watchin' him and he knows it. When he leads the post parade onto that huge Belmont track and the roar of the crowd shakes the ground, he'll know it's for him. Yeah, they might be cheerin' for the others too (like they were for the other dogs at my first show) but he won't even think of that—any more than I did. Never underestimate the power of a big ego, human, canine, or equine. (Okay, so fe-lyings have big egos too but they never acoomplish anything so it doesn't count.)
But the clincher for Big Brown—the real piece of racin' luck—is he's avoided the dreaded Jinx of the Sports Illustrated Cover.
"[A]n in depth survey of every cover in SI's history from its debut issue in 1954 through 2002 which found the following:
"Of the 2,456 covers SI had run, 913 featured a person who, or team that, suffered some verifiable misfortune that conformed to our definition -- a Jinx rate of 37.2%. The majority of those instances (52.7%) were bad losses or lousy performances by a team, followed by declines in individual performance (44.6%), bad loss or lousy performance by an individual (25.2%), postseason failure (13.4%), injury or death (11.8%) and blunder or bad play (4.6%)."
The study only went through 2002. If ya' keep going to 2004 you'd see another victim of the Jinx on the May 10, 2004 cover. And the athlete in question?…
UPDATE: As of this mornin' the status of Casino Drive is in doubt 'cause of a stone bruise. Hopefully they play it smart and save their colt if there is the slightest question of unsoundness. Horse racin' does not need another tragic accident.
*With apologies to Lewis Carroll
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posted by Harrison at 3:53 PM
June 6, 1944
"June 6, 1944 marked the Allied invasion of Europe into Normandy, France; an event which marked the beginning of the end for Hitler's Nazi regime in World War II. Termed "Operation Overlord" it was the largest air, land, and sea operation undertaken before or since D-Day. The landing included over 5,000 ships, 11,000 airplanes, and over 150,000 service men. The Allied Forces suffered nearly 10,000 casualties while more than 4,000 were killed in battle.
"[This photo is of] the cover of a 78 r.p.m record set that was given to Governor [Stephen] McNichols [of Colorado] in 1957. It was produced by the National Broadcasting Company as a private collection of excerpts from NBC radio broadcasts on D-Day. The narrator was Arnold Moss, the script was prepared by Charles Newton and the program was directed by Morris W. Hamilton."
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posted by Harrison at 10:21 AM
Thursday, June 05, 2008
"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night…"
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
There's lots of yappin' out there 'bout another horse called Casino Drive who won a race or two in the Far East then came over here and wowed 'em in the Peter Pan Stakes. At least he's walkin' around Belmont (literally) wowin' a bunch of pundits and track writers. Me, not so much.
Casino Drive is owned by a guy named Hidetoshi Yamamoto, who got rich makin' computer games and casino slot machines (d'uh). He's trained by another guy named Kazuo Fujisawa, and his spokesperson is Nobutaka Tada who doesn't seem to get much speakin' time with Rick Dutrow on the loose. Anyway, if ya' haven't figured it out those are all Japanese names, so, far as we're concerned, if Casino Drive wins it will be a dark day in horseracin'.
See, there was once a horse named Ferdinand who won the 1986 Kentucky Derby with his 54-year-old jockey Bill Shoemaker takin' him through the pack like a sports car weavin' through traffic on the 405 freeway. If ya' watch the video, you don't hear the announcer even mention his name until he suddenly bursts through on the rail to win.
A year later Ferdinand nosed out 1987 Derby winner Alysheba in the Breeder's Cup Classic that really was a classic.
Ferdinand was ultimately bought by a bunch of Japanese and went live at Arrow Stud in Hokkaido from 1995 to 2000. By 2002 he had vanished. No one was talkin', but Barbara Bayer, a zealous reporter from The Blood-Horse, pursued the story through the smokescreen of lies thrown up by the Japanese, and discovered when Ferdinand got too old and sick to be an effective stud—they sent him off to be slaughtered.
That's nothin' new, of course. The whole greyhound rescuse operation was started 'cause of so many unsuccessful racin' dogs bein' killed. And sellin' horsemeat overseas is big business just like sellin' steaks. But when I think of a Derby champ like Ferdinand endin' up in my Alpo, well, it's almost enough to put me off my feed.
Because of Ferdinand's fate, there are all sorts of efforts underway to find and fund retirement care for racehorses, and a web site, Overseas Stallion and Broodmare Database that tracks where our champion stallions and broodmares are bein' sold.
Bein' a champ isn't all big purple 'n white rosettes and ESPN interviews—it's talent and hard work. And when it's all in the past, ya' can only hope for a cushy bed, fe-lyings to chase, and an AHM who let's ya' bark your head off—online.
That's Japanese for "Big Brown" (or at least as close as a web translator can get). Here's hopin' that's the headline name the Japanese will be readin' come Sunday mornin'.
*Isoroku Yamamoto was the commander-in-chief of the Japanese Navy during the early years of the Pacific War and was responsible for Pearl Harbor. He died while on an inspection tour when his plane was ambushed by American P-38 Lighting fighters.
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posted by Harrison at 11:22 PM