Name:Harrison Location:United States

The Original Lovable Little Fuzzball

Here's the straight stuff.

The adventures of Harrison are true.
Try a few of his Crunchy Bites for a taste.
--Alpha Human Mom

Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Five Basic Laws of Human Stupidity

Take two—for Two Dogs who's doin' yoeman's work outin' the idiots.

I orginally posted this monograph by Carlo M. Cipolla three years ago, but ya' humans haven't learned a thing since then. In fact, I'd say you've gone backwards. The illustrations by James Donnelly are a howl.

The first basic law of human stupidity asserts without ambiguity that: Always and inevitably everyone underestimates the number of stupid individuals in circulation.

Unless they've counted up the roster of registered Demo-cats—dead or alive, real or imagined.

THE SECOND BASIC LAW: The probability that a certain person be stupid is independent of any other characteristic of that person.

THE THIRD (AND GOLDEN) BASIC LAW: A stupid person is a person who caused losses to another person or to a group of persons while himself deriving no gain and even possibly incurring losses.

The fact that the activity and movements of a stupid creature are absolutely erratic and irrational not only makes defense problematic but it also makes any counter-attack extremely difficult—like trying to shoot at an object which is capable of the most improbable and unimaginable movements.

Such as a Demo-cat congress. Must be why Nancy Pelosi always has that deer-in-the-headlights look in her eyes.

THE FOURTH BASIC LAW: Non-stupid people always underestimate the damanging power of stupid individuals.

Through centuries and millennia, in public as in private life, countless individuals have failed to take account of the Fourth Basic Law and the failure has caused mankind incalculable losses.

And whenever we forget it, there's an election that proves it—again…

THE FIFTH BASIC LAW: A stupid person is the most dangerous type of person. The corollary of the Law is that: A stupid person is more dangerous than a bandit..

The corollary to that is, if a stupid person is a Demo-cat member of congress, that stupid person is a bandit.

When stupid people are at work, the story is totally different. Stupid people cause losses to other people with no counterpart of gains on their own account. Thus the society as a whole is impoverished. The system of accounting which finds expression in the basic graphs shows that, while all actions of individuals falling to the right of the line POM (see fig. 3) add to the welfare of a society, although in different degrees, the actions of all individuals falling to the left of the same line POM cause a deterioration. [Emphasis mine.]

Now for the really scary stuff:

In a country which is moving downhill, the fraction of stupid people is still equal to [the constant] å; however in the remaining population one notices, among those in power, an alarming proliferation of the bandits with overtones of stupidity…and among those not in power an equally alarming growth in the number of helpless individuals… Such change in the composition of the non-stupid population inevitably strengthens the destructive power of the å fraction and makes decline a certainty. And the country goes to Hell.

Or to put it in words the stupidest can understand: We're doomed

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posted by Harrison at 10:26 PM


Seem Like Hard Times

Or not.

We've all read the stories 'bout families havin' to give up the family pet when they're forced to move outta' their homes. Tragic and traumatic. More so when ya' consider how much they probably wanted to keep their companions while these fools are worryin' 'bout their décor.

Thirty years on since the [Dogs Trust] charity made famous the trademarked slogan "A dog is for life not just for Christmas", people are dumping their pets for the flimsiest of reasons—even over the festive period.

Here's a few of their excuses:

"My dog doesn't match the sofa."

Let 'em sleep on the couch for a few weeks—they'll match then.

"My black dog doesn't match the new white carpet, can we swap him for a white dog?"

See above and tell everyone ya' got tweed carpetin'.

"My dog ate the Christmas turkey cooling on the work-top."

Provin' once again dogs are smarter than humans—and we really appreciate the dummies who leave a whole Christmas turkey unattended. Believe me, we'll figure out a way to get at it.

"My pet guinea pig got worried with a dog in the house."

Sounds like a Disney movie in the makin', big eyes 'n all.

"The dog opened all the presents on Christmas Eve."

Be thankful the dog didn't pee on 'em, which is what ya' deserve for bein' so…so…fe-lyin'!

More idiot reasons are in the article. Someone write a Dogs for Dummies manual now.

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posted by Harrison at 8:43 AM


Friday, December 26, 2008

And the Returns Are In

If everyone rushes to malls the day after Thanksgivin' to buy stuff, they move just as fast to malls (or mailboxes) the day after Christmas to return stuff. No surprise, all things considered…

Montana, in fact, got started early.

The Montana wildlife agency has been asking that people with frogs acquired through kits called Grow-a-Frog give up those animals. The Department of Fish, Wildlife and Parks says tadpoles in the kits become African clawed frogs, a species prohibited in Montana. […] Grow-a-Frog is part of Florida-based Three Rivers Mail Order Corp.

Considerin' my long experience with frogs I can't figure why anyone, anywhere would wanna' grow their own.

I've noticed you humans are getting' more obsessed with how ya' smell, or rather how to get rid of any smells ya' might have. Might wanna' reconsider that idea since smell is how we canines identify you. Ya' wouldn't want us gettin' confused and jumpin' in the wrong car. 'Course if it smelled like corn dogs that could explain the mix up. Still, this is probably a gift that will end up in the garbage bin. Even the makers aren't quite sure of their product.

It may make your car smell gross, but your passengers mouths will water!

This little gift is supposed to be for humans, but if Bozo insists on drinkin' outta' the toilet bowl he might never know anythin' ever again.

Spritz the Bowl Before You Go…/And No One Else/Will Ever Know

See what I mean? Obsessed. Mark it "Return to Sender."

This eliminates the need for any exercise for the average couch potato:
The Whistle and Find Remote Control Locator

Are you one of the many television watchers that always loses your remote control? Well kiss those days goodbye because your savior is here! This great gadget is a simple device that sticks on to your remote to help you find it immediately! Just blow into the whistle transmitter (with TV caddy) and you'll be on your way to watching uninterrupted TV for hours!

Yeah, right. Next year they'll be offerin' a clapper to find the missin' whistle transmitter.

I remember when AHM gave Silly Human Female one of those clapper keychain thingys 'cause she was always losin' her keys. She thought it was a good idea until we all discovered the stupid alarm was triggered by a whole bunch of other things—like closin' doors, ringin' doorbells, bangin' pots—or barkin' canines. Ah, memories… That was a fun two weeks.

We've seen two versions of the Hip Hop Tabletop
Zombie which doesn't matter 'cause neither is somethin'
you'd wanna' see under the tree. Besides, 'round here
the pups freak out over anythin' that moves and roars
at the same time.

[Like the vacuum cleaner? ~ AHM]

[What vacuum cleaner? ~ Harrison]

[The one with all your teeth marks on it. ~ AHM]

Movin' right along…

[Or the train we used to put under the tree. ~ AHM]

[Train? ~ Harrison]

[You tried to eat the engine until the smoke went up your nose. You tossed it across the room and sneezed for nearly an hour. ~ AHM]

Okay, okay. But I hit the fe-lyin' with it, didn't I? Which proves my point that ya' don't wanna' bring anythin' into this house that moves and roars at the same time.

Now here's a present for everyone who ever wondered…

"Why can't I have a flying pig for EVERY holiday?!"

I think the last election answered that question.

And, finally, to all my liberal acquaintences, sorry I missed out on sendin' you the Wealth Redistribution 2008 Holiday Ornament:

Oh, no! We sold out of 'Wealth Redistribution Christmas Tree Ornament'.

Now that's what I call real life "wealth redistribution."

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posted by Harrison at 10:49 PM


Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas

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posted by Harrison at 12:20 AM


Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Barney's Farewell Tour

Photo by Joyce BoghosianFor six of the past eight years, one of the best productions to come from the White House has been Barney's Christmas Video. This year Barney and his sister Miss Beazley are makin' their final appearance. If you're thinkin' of watchin' a movie or two tomorrow, take a few minutes to watch Barney and Miss Beazley in A Red, White and Blue Christmas. (Scroll down the right-hand sidebar.)

Terriers always make a merrier Christmas. Thanks for the memories.

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posted by Harrison at 11:16 PM


Sunday, December 21, 2008

On The Run…

…for those last-mintue treats for the bailout bag? Or maybe you're just lookin' to drive someone nuts with the "why-in-God's-name-would-someone-buy-this-thing" C-day gift.

Well, here's a goody

Lingerie for pets... no, it's not what you're thinking. Best Ever's "Love Pets Sexy Lingerie" are bra & panty chew toy sets available in your choice of black, pink or white. Padded in all the right places, the 2-piece pet pleasers make a squeaky sound when chomped upon—just like YOU would if you were wearing them.

They even come with a disclaimer:

Keep that in mind, ladies, should you be one who enjoys vacuuming, cooking or just lounging around in your undies - you don't want Fido or Fifi exercising their jaws on the wrong squishy toy.

Not somethin' we'll find in our stockings.

Now this has possibilities—a fully functional Miniature Medieval Catapult. They call it an executive desk toy, but I think it's a great way to pass out dog treats while makin' sure your canine works off the the calories at the same time. And if ya' happen to smack a fe-lyin' in the butt with an errant shot, consider it a bonus.

Speakin' of workin' off canine calories, this is a bit extreme even in a good economy.

Designed with the input of veterinarians, physical therapists, breeders and engineers, JOG A DOG is truly the best exercise system available for the most discriminating consumer.

The only people who can afford $1,200 for a jogadog are auto workers and Demo-cat legislators. 'Round here we take our exercise on the cheap and all at the same time with our "get-outta'-the-way-we're-comin'-thru" walk in the neighborhood.

Naturally if you're too lazy to walk your canine yourself, you're probably too lazy to let the poor clod outside on a regular basis too. Never fear. For a mere $300 you can ignore your canine completely by gettin' a Pet-a-Potty ($130 extra for the fire hydrant accessory). 'Course if ya' got a canine larger than a teacup, it'll cost ya' over $1,000, not to mention the replacement synthetic grass linings and the "Smell'U'Later" odor spray.

Our advice: get a cat. They're cheap and have no taste. In a pinch, they'll even er—pinch—their own gifts.

Frankie the tom cat has got his claws into 35 teddies and soft toys in the last year. Owner Julie Bishop believes the two-year-old feline is sneaking into her neighbours' homes. He drags each one of his finds through the catflap before depositing them on the same spot in the living room. […] 'They're all soft toys for cats I think. About 15 of them are all the same leopard. He doesn't really play with them. He dumps them down and goes out looking for something else.'

A true Demo-cat.

And speakin' of Demo-cats, this is the ultimate gift to remind all Demo-cat lovers where that political party resides...

Cat lovers, take a seat. An adorable kitten's face decorates your toilet lid; viewed from above, the matching rug completes the cat's body to hilarious effect.

And when ya' get tired of decoratin' your bathroom or embarrassin' your pet with fake antlers 'n angel wings, you can embarrass your car instead.

Complete with two antlers and a red nose for the front grill area, the Reindeer Car Costume Get Up will spread Christmas cheer across roads and highways wherever you may roam.

Every year there's a new fangled alarm clock under the tree that guarantees to get you up on time no matter how soundly you sleep. The Alarming Gun O'Clock plays on your frustration with that janglin' alarm by makin' ya' even more frustrated. Could make mornings reeeeeal interestin' in some concealed-carry states.

The Puzzle Alarm Clock claims "Nobody sleeps through this!"

It wakes you up by firing four puzzle pieces up in the air, and then it is your task to get the pieces and put them back in the alarm clock - it won't turn off until then.

Or until you rip the sucker outta' the socket.

This one, however, is my entry for the Most Evil Alarm Ever Invented: the Sonic Bomb Alarm.

If you're readin' this at the office and wanna' scare the shit outta' your co-workers—or get fired, whichever comes first—turn your speakers on high, insert industrial strength earplugs, and click this video.

That's almost better than a four-year-old on Christmas mornin'.

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posted by Harrison at 12:08 AM


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

When Regulations Fail…

…go for Scare Tactics.

Rocking around the Christmas tree could be one of the quickest ways to land in hospital as the party season gets into full swing, The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents warned today.

Of about 80,000 accidents expected in the home over the Christmas and New Year break—around 1,000 are likely to be caused by Christmas trees. Most will result from branches poking into people’s eyes, others will cut themselves trimming the tree to shape and some will fall off ladders while adding the decorations.

Not to mention the whole tree fallin' over when your lovable fe-lyin' decides you've bought a new-fangled cat pole complete with shiny toys.

Gift wrappings, cards, glue and adhesive tape are likely to claim hundreds of victims. Look out for small parts falling off decorations or presents as these can choke children.

Provided you haven't already done it yourself after weeks of "I want" whining.

Thousands will have slips and falls over presents or on fat spilled on the kitchen floor. Too much alcohol is also likely to lead to falls or is sometimes drunk by children polishing off the remains of drinks from the previous night’s party. If guests are staying, keep stairs well lit and free from obstacles such as toys… "With a little more care and planning people can have an accident-free Christmas," David Jenkins [RoSPA Product Safety Adviser] said.

Boy, Mr. Jenkins sure knows how to make Christmas an adventure. But he left out the most serious injury incurred durin' the Christmas season: shoppin' bag injuries.

The authors, at Torbay Hospital, Torquay, U.K., report: “Upper limb digital arterial occlusion is uncommon. We present the case of a 47-year-old man with an ischaemic right middle finger (dominant hand) due to trauma from carrying a heavy plastic shopping bag.

Britain—again. Geeze. Almost makes ya' wanna' root for Global Warmin' so they'll sink under the North Sea and end their misery.

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posted by Harrison at 3:33 PM


Monday, December 15, 2008

Special Gifts…

…all 'bout that "special" person.

First, one of the few examples of truth in advertisin':

Make a Donation Today and Get Your Official Obama Fleece

Next, from TwoDogs, somethin' with hundreds of uses:

"What do you get when you cross the biggest fad that ever existed with the current Democratic candidate? The Pet Barack, that's what!"

Not sure how long this toy, or the company for that matter, will be around, so get 'em while ya' can.

If you're wonderin' "How will I get through the next four years?" here's an idea. It's my personal favorite, but it probably won't last more'n four months of bein' savaged by tooth and claw—not to mention the damage we canines can inflict.

And finally, if ya' really wanna' keep up with the Euro-weenies, ya' gotta' have one of these in your winter wonderland decor.

Catalonians traditionally celebrate Christmas by placing a caganer, which translates as pooper, in a nativity scene.

Evidently Bar-ack! is the big seller this year. Don't think it's quite the image The One had in mind.

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posted by Harrison at 8:58 AM


Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Once Again It's Time…

…to catch up with the progress of the Office of the President-Elect.

Yes, we know the video is looped. What's your point?

Sidebar: AHM has a cold, which means after starin' at a computer all day, she isn't in the mood to blog about my rantings.

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posted by Harrison at 11:48 AM