Name:Harrison Location:United States

The Original Lovable Little Fuzzball

Here's the straight stuff.

The adventures of Harrison are true.
Try a few of his Crunchy Bites for a taste.
--Alpha Human Mom

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Attention NY Giants and Their Fans

The New England Cheaters have a Super Bowl XLII message for you: You Lost!

19-0: The Historic Championship Season of New England's Unbeatable Patriots (Paperback)

3:15 p.m. UPDATE: Oops... It seems Amazon has lost that particular page. Hope someone from the Giants organization got a screen shot.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 3:40 PM


Monday, January 28, 2008

Kibbles 'n Bits®

Evel Knievel Jumps in His Grave

"A dog had a miraculous escape when she was blown off a 135 ft cliff by a gust of wind. Tara, a 13-year-old German Shepherd, was being walked by her owner along the blustery cliff top when she was suddenly swept over the edge by 50mph winds gusting in from the English Channel."

Flipper Flips. Dolphin gangs run rampant.

I seez nuthin'.

United States Patent Application #20060014125

"In summary, the purpose of the training system is to substantially increase the [hyperspace] energy of a human being [in order to pull the body out of dimension] who will then have the capability of walking through walls, body levitation, instantaneous healing of infections, full-body teleportation to another location, remote viewing at vast distances in terms of light-years, and looking into hyperspace co-dimensions. …I have been able to experience all the above phenomena…by spinning on my vortex accelerator machine and using this invention."

Relatively speakin', of course.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 10:25 PM


Thursday, January 24, 2008

When Your Fake Stone Hands Need a Nose to Scratch

A few years ago I wrote about a house in our area we call the Cute House. It's still there. The only way to describe the place is that it looks like there was an explosion at a crafts fair and all the crap landed in one yard. If it's cute, country, and crafty they have it—and dumped it somewhere on their lawn.

There are folk art flags painted on pieces of old barn siding, folk art flowers painted on pieces of old barn siding, and folk art heart shapes cut out of pieces of old barn siding. There's a miniature lighthouse with rotating light, a wooden highchair holdin' a pot of flowers, a child's wagon holdin' a pot of flowers, and little flowery garden flags flappin' butt high all over the place. If you're only a foot high, gettin' too close means a nasty flap burn.

The only time I ever got near the front door was one Halloween when I took the pups trick-or-treating. They got totally spooked when they saw two hands sticking up from the top of a tree stump. Barked for a full thirty seconds 'til I figured out it was a fake-stone bird feeder and shut them up. 'Course they were so embarrassed they had to almost drown the ceramic bunny-holding-a-watering-can beside the front stoop.

Every time we walk past it AHM mutters "How many mail-order catalogues had to be sacrificed to create this?"

Well, thanks to Amazon's on-line shoppin', those fools won't have to sacrifice one more page.

And they can pretty much guarantee no one will walk on their lawn.

Ceramic Stone Face Smiling, Small Stone faces are ideal for inside and outside use…

Let's take a moment to think about that shall we? Hmmmmm… Temptin'… 'specially when ya' consider the clincher:

"Each head is packaged individually in its own box."

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 11:30 PM


Wednesday, January 23, 2008

From the Home of Failed Presidential Candidates

A seminar hosted by Professor Karma.

"Does Intelligence Help or Hinder in Achieving Consensus"

What goes around comes around, Willard.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 11:09 PM


Scare of the Day

As a terrier, I find this a bit disturbin':

"Globally, it's pretty clear we're running out of dirt," [geologist David] Montgomery said."

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 10:35 PM


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Global Warmin' Panic in Spearfish, South Dakota…*

Within two minutes, the temperature in this town near the Wyoming border jumped 47 degrees, from –2 degrees to 45 degrees. Ack! Guess we really gotta' do somethin' about this global warmin' business if that sorta' thing's gonna' hap—



Never mind.

*…on January 22, 1943

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 9:30 PM


Sunday, January 20, 2008

Stealers, Squealers, Suicide Squirrels, Mashpee Wampanoag, 'n Global Warmin'

No, this isn't a political post, however, considerin' the McPainful news comin' outta' SC, I thought some of us could use a reminder things can get worse…

They don't steal fe-lyings, do they? No, they don't. But this thief wasn't payin' attention to the right stuff.

"[RCMP Const. Scott Hagarty said] police are relying on tips from people who may have seen this rare, tan-coloured pooch. “It’s kind of a unique dog because it only has one testicle,”

Unique, hell. I know lots of guys with none.

Isn't this how Dan Rather got started?

"It is not every day that a television news crew solves the local crime of the century. It happened yesterday in Alice, [TX].

"…Puddles, the Shih Tzu [belonging to] the Rudy Gutierrez family [was] left with their neighbor, the mayor, while they went on a weekend vacation. When a family member called during the weekend to check on the dog, Mayor Grace Saenz-Lopez sadly said the dog had died and she had buried it.

"But months later, a friend spotted a dog that looked just like Puddles at a local grooming shop. When the family called the groomer, she said the mayor had dropped it by for work. Its name was Panchito.

"Through her lawyer, the mayor admitted that Panchito was Puddles, but said she had rescued the dog from a family that was killing it by neglect.

Sign that woman up for the Female Dog's campaign team—right after I chew her face off!

The poodle took a dive

"…Joe Stapleton got home from work and walked into the kitchen, and Mango [a two-pound poodle] raced to greet him. Stopped short by a new gate the family had installed to keep their dogs out of the kitchen, Mango jumped. Up, up, up she went before gravity took charge and Mango landed. On her head…

"…she's had two blows to the head that might have killed her, and she's still wobbly. Her vet recommended that until she's steady on her paws, Mango should use caution. So when…the Stapletons are with her, they strap Mango into a new safety device that suits her poodlelicious style: a hot-pink hard hat.

…and the cat squealed.

"A man was arrested for murdering his long-term partner after police secretly taped him apparently confessing to his cats, a jury has been told."

I blame Boris and Natasha.

"Romania angry over suicidal squirrels. A cartoon showing squirrels hanging themselves and throwing themselves in front of cars has drawn the ire of Romanian broadcasting authorities."

Remember all those conservation/environmental types tellin' us how sympathetic and at-one-with-nature those original residents of America were? Well, not so much…'specially when money's concerned.

I'll bid one Wampanoag and raise ya' two cooters.

"The red-bellied cooter, a turtle named on both the state and federal endangered species lists, is present on the 500-acre site where the Mashpee Wampanoag are planning a resort casino. "

Speakin' of global warmin'…well…not really

"The cold weather and deep snow is not only affecting people [in Utah]; it's affecting the moose. They're coming down to lower elevations in record numbers this year."

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 12:17 AM


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Cheezy Choice Cuts

I'll have an order of #5, the Tang Hua, with fried rice.

"Cars made in China are set to go on sale in the US within months, industry observers predict."

The Chinese are also warmin' up for the Olympics with the 2nd National Cricket Singing Competition and issuing some stern warnings:

"Don't let your cricket take drugs. Anybody caught cheating will be disqualified."

And what exactly does a singin' cricket sound like?

"…Jia Guoquan, a 62-year-old retiree who served as one of the judges at the singing competition…says the tone of the best crickets should be sort of a cross between an opera singer and a snorer."

I was gonna' think up some suitably snarky subhead for this, but I just couldn't.

"Let your dog tell the world he/she is wholesome, good natured, and has great taste in music...just like his/her owner!"

Reeeeaaally bad idea #17,945

"The Nevada Humane Society is doing a promotion surrounding the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday called "Black Is Beautiful" where black dogs and cats are offered for adoption at a reduced rate."

And one sick puppy

"Oscar the dog and his best friend, Arthur the cat, were inseparable in life. So, when 17-year-old…Arthur died…[his] owners, Robert and Mavis Bell, buried Arthur in the garden. But Oscar's love for his friend would not die – and during the night, he pulled the cat from his grave, carried him inside, laid him in the basket they used to share and gently cleaned him up.
"Mr Bell found the pair curled up together in the basket… Arthur is now buried in a secure grave in the garden at the Bells' home… Oscar has a new playmate kitten called Limpet."

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 12:27 AM


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Scratch 'n Sniff

The Michigan primary seems pretty much of a done deal for someone by now—Romney, maybe, if all the Demo-cats cross over. Considerin' their only choice up there is The Female Dog, they'll be out mischief-makin' on the Republi-canine side of the ballot.

More interestin' is South Carolina, where Fred Thompson seems to be makin' a stir. Now I've tried and tried, but I just can't find out if Fred has any pets at all, so I'm guessin' he doesn't. That can be good or bad, dependin' on whether he knows he doesn't have time to take care of a non-human companion or if he just doesn't like havin' one around.

But, at least his kids have the good sense (so far) to keep their mouths shut about their father's campaign, unlike another child who bragged about her Mama's plans.

From Michelle Maklin comes the story of Chelsea Clinton's secret little round table with her buds at Stanford, with this quote:

"What my mother argues is that if you don’t mandate that everyone have healthcare, the healthy people may not buy into the system, which means that the average cost of insuring people is a lot higher.”

So healthy people are gonna' be forced to pay for a crappy system they don't want so all the deadbeats can get free piggyback rides. Geeze. Stinks like that half-chewed pork rind the pups lost under the piano last summer.

On the other paw, while I was scratchin' through Instapundit's links, I found this little tidbit from Fred Thompson:

"A woman asked [Thompson] if he would “as a Christian, as a conservative” continue President Bush’s programs to combat global AIDS.

“Christ didn’t tell us to go to the government and pass a bill to get some of these social problems dealt with. He told us to do it,” Thompson said. “The government has its role, but we need to keep firmly in mind the role of the government, and the role of us as individuals and as Christians on the other.”

Personal responsibility. Whew. What an incredible smell he's discovered.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 12:03 AM


Saturday, January 12, 2008

Cat Fight, Cat Fight!

Roseanne Whatever-Name-She's-Usin'-Now is lettin' her jealousy of Oprah's success run wild. Not bein' a fan of either one, it's kinda' fun watchin' Demo-cats rip the fur off each other. Too bad Rosie's such an ignoramus no one can take her seriously.

From Raw Story

"The following was posted on RoseanneWorld.com, whose account was suspended for exceeding its CPU quota and captured by RAW STORY before it went down."

[All errors and misspellings are Rosie's. No surprise there.]

"Oprah, you play the race card and the gender card too. You are a closeted republican and chose Barak Obama because you do not like other women who actually stand for something to working American Women besides glamour, angels, hollywood and dieting!

"When Americans find out that Obama backs right wing corporate racist anti worker bullshit, they will not vote for him, and the victory will go to the most racist right wing republican ever.... Mccain, who is a fascist! That the culinary service workers in vegas have promised barak their vote,( he is anti union in his votes) over edwards, who is a pro-union man, just proves how stupid americans are and how they can be tricked so easily by the color of a person's skin...exactly what MLK hated!"

But… accordin' to this story, Hillary's minions have been busy.

"So, the Nevada state teacher's association is suing in a move to disenfranchise members of the culinary union that recently endorsed Obama."

"LAS VEGAS — Nevada’s state teachers union and six Las Vegas area residents filed a lawsuit late Friday that could make it harder for many members of the state’s huge hotel workers union to vote in the hotly contested Jan. 19 Democratic caucus in Nevada."

Apparently the Demo-cats decided to create a bunch of at-large votin' precincts inside the casinos. Whoa! What could possibly go wrong with that idea?

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 11:35 PM


Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Green Eggs and Ham

"Would you like them
here or there?

"I would not like them
here or there.
I would not like them
I do not like
green eggs and ham."

Before the fe-lyings, before the rabbits, there was Green Eggs and Ham.

"A cloned pig whose genes were altered to make it glow fluorescent green has passed on the trait to its young, a development that could lead to the future breeding of pigs for human transplant organs, a Chinese university reported…

"Robin Lovell-Badge, a genetics expert at Britain’s National Institute for Medical Research, said the technology “to genetically manipulate pigs in this way would be very valuable.”… He said…that organs from genetically altered pigs would potentially solve some of the problems of rejected organs in transplant operations.

"He said the presence of the green protein would allow genetically modified cells to be tracked if they were transplanted into a human. The fact that the pig’s offspring also appeared to have the green genes would indicate that the genetic modification had successfully penetrated every cell, Lovell-Badge added."

Okay, so some green fluorescent porker is gonna' contribute organs to an ailin' human and this guy is braggin' the glowin' green genes had penetrated every cell. Now I'm not the scientific sort, but I do know somethin' 'bout breedin' and cells dividin' and transferrin' genes among my offspring. Can you say fluorescent green humans?

And y'all were worried 'bout China exportin' a little lead in toys.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 10:52 PM


A Guide for Lazy Voters

Saved by the mouse.

Now ya' don't have to go to all those rallys, get screamed at by Ron Paul supporters, listen to an endless loop of candidates preachin' "change, hope, and government charity," and eat cold weiners on soggy buns—'tho that last bit doesn't bother me much s'long as they hold the onions.

Surprisingly this survey is pretty accurate. I pawed over my choice cuts and they dished up the candidate I favor (at the moment). And no, I'm not tellin'. Yet.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 9:55 PM


Sunday, January 06, 2008

Johnny on the Spot

Now that Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show has temporarily settled in New Hampshire, humans-in-the-know are sayin' Johnny McCain is leadin' the pack over the Mutt. 'Course, the man's been runnin' for President since before the new millenium so he should have the song and dance routine down pat.

I'll let everyone else do the fancy analysis of how he massages his message 'cause all we need to know 'round here is that McPain was the co-author of Campaign Finance Reform. But for those who need more, ya' might wanna' think twice 'bout a man who's tryin' to be all things to all people. Just look at the list of non-human companions he's collected if ya' don't believe me.

For the East Coast elites as well as Second Amendment people, Sam the English springer spaniel is a rare twofer. A Springer took Best in Show in 2007 at Westminster and they're known as gun dogs. He's probably tryin' to show his good Republican roots as well by havin' the same breed as George W. Bush. Doesn't wanna' seem outa' touch with the common voter of flyover country, though, so Coco the mutt covers that base. There's even a nice story out there 'bout how Johnny saved Coco from chokin' to death. (The family has three other canines as well.)

Now, since McPain did, after all, work with Demo-cat Russ Feingold on that infamous "reform" thingy, ya' know he's gotta' keep 'em happy by ownin' a fe-lyin', a black and white named, a bit obviously, Oreo. 'Nuf said.

Even though Bar-ack! probably has the little old lady vote sewn up, thanks to Oprah, Johnny's makin' a bid for his share with not one but three parakeets. Can't say I've ever done the stick-your-nose-up-the-tail-feathers investigation of parakeets 'cause AHM seems to think I'd consider 'em lunch. But the only people AHM knows who have parakeets are little old ladies ('cept for one little old lady who doesn't like anything, fish, fowl, canine or fe-lyin').

Movin' right along, for the few weasily big-government-what's-yours-is-mine-and-I-get-to-supervise-everything-you-do types who might be lookin' his way, McPain has included a ferret in his collection. I've only known two ferrets in my time, but considerin' we were all on leashes there wasn't much activity on either side—if ya' don't count all the barkin' and chitterin'.

Finally, there's the turtles, Cuff and Link. Maybe Johnny's keeps 'em around to show he's a conservationist, since some turtles are near to bein' endangered. Then again, maybe they're just left over from his kids' Teeage Mutant Ninja Turtles phase.

Whew. This political analysis gig is getting' tough, 'specially when you're dealin' with someone who 1) can't make up his mind to hold one position and 2) is tryin' like mad to keep everybody happy.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 11:15 PM


Thursday, January 03, 2008

I-O-Waaaaay Gone Round the Bend

The Female Dog comes in third in Iowa. And if that weren't embarrassin' enough, as Michelle Malkin reported earlier:

Update 10:02pm Eastern. Hill turned upside-down…For all her gender card-playing, it was Obama who won the women’s vote in Iowa…

Well, I tried to warn ya' that all the crazy-aunts-in-the-attic would be votin' for Bar-ack!. Next time pay attention.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 11:37 PM


Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Small Crunchy Bites

I wouldn't recommend orderin' the combo plate at this place.

"Barnegat, NJ - A building overrun with wild cats will get a new life later this year as a combination seafood restaurant and bait and tackle shop."

More evidence that beer and buffaloes don't mix.

"A man who took one of his pet buffaloes for a ride at a ranch north of Phoenix on New Year's Eve ended up being bucked off the animal and trampled, authorities said. The unidentified 75-year-old man was flown to a Scottsdale hospital with non-life threatening injuries."

Farm Aid for hamsters.

"France…has been threatened by the European Commission with…fine[s] – for failing to protect the only colony of wild hamsters in western Europe. The…"great hamster of Alsace"… The problem facing the hamsters is that once-plentiful cabbages…have now been abandoned by farmers for more lucrative maize. So when the hamster awakes from its hibernation in March there is nothing to eat."

Didn't Darwin have a theory about that?

"In 2000 a rescue plan was launched, with the government making [monies] available to encourage farmers to plant crops other than maize. Given that maize earns far more than other crops, the attempt failed."

Capitalism in France. Who knew.

Remember when we only had cute little glowworms crawlin' around?

"Chinese scientists expect the world's first rabbit cloned by using a biological process that takes cells from a fetus will be able to reproduce in three months. The genetically-modified cloned rabbit glows green under a fluoroscope, a result of being injected with special genes. Scientists hope this special trait will be transferred to the rabbit's offspring."

Should we be worryin' that scientists in Korea and China seem to be addicted to glow-in-the-dark animals?

Japan, on the other paw, has gone from transitors to trash.

"Hello Kitty products target young males. The cute cuddly white cat from Japan's Sanrio Co., usually seen on toys and jewelry for girls and young women, will soon don T-shirts, bags, watches and other products targeting young men, company spokesman Kazuo Tohmatsu said Friday. "We think Hello Kitty is accepted by young men as a design statement in fashion," he said."

Three score sharpened canines in three pounds of canine. Musta' seemed that way to this sucker.

"The California Highway Patrol managed to catch one of four minivan thieves, thanks to a three-pound Pomeranian-Chihuahua mix named Tink. Police were responding to a call of a stolen minivan, with three juveniles and an adult as the suspects. The four fugitives then crashed the vehicle into a hillside near the home of Wendy Anderson. One of the suspects fled, and took refuge under a neighbor's motor home. Tink…found him in his hiding place, and proceeded to chase him straight into the woods… "My son's little dog…found one of the alleged runners underneath a motor home in the neighbor's yard." [Anderson said.] "He ran from a three-pound dog."

And just in case ya' didn't get enough useless fe-lyin'-related stuff this past holiday…

"The Catsifier™ is basically an animal pacifier. It consists of a high quality pillow and a zippered, removable pillow cover with a faux fur cat sewn to one side. There are four nipples securely attached to the furry cat, which allows the kitten or other young animal to comfortably and safely satisfy the need to suck without damaging home furnishings and decor."

Oh yeah. Like a fe-lyin' will always do what ya' want 'em to.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 11:01 PM


For Shame…

…or The Mutt and the Female Dog

Accordin' to just released polls, Willard Milton Romney, former governor of Massachusetts, (home of liars, cheats, and thieves, not to mention Kennedy and Kerry), is runnin' second behind Huckleberry. Far as I'm concerned, that's just another example of why ya' don't wanna' have voters anywhere near a ballot right after they've been celebratin' New Year's Eve.

Now Mutt Romney is such a tangled furball of positions it's almost impossible to figure out what breed he is. Liberservative? Conservalib? Doesn't really matter to us 'cause all ya' need to know is this, from 1983:

"The incident: dog excrement found on the roof and windows of the Romney station wagon. How it got there: Romney strapped a dog carrier — with the family dog Seamus, an Irish Setter, in it — to the roof of the family station wagon for a twelve hour drive from Boston to Ontario, which the family apparently completed, despite Seamus's rather visceral protest.”

(Okay, I tried to resist, but after readin' that story, the hell with it… The tag line of a certain movie from 1971 is: "Where your nightmares end… Willard begins." And now you'll be stuck with that Michael Jackson song in your brain for the rest of the day.)

As far as sayin' anything about the female dog and her litter, well, after killin' off their original lab, Buddy (by lettin' him play in traffic), they got another lab…and named him:

(warning…irony alert…)


This cartoon, posted over at Kelly the Little Black Dog's place, says everything else.

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 9:32 PM


Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Happy 2008

Read the rest

posted by Harrison at 12:02 AM